Adults: You STOP Bullying First

Dear Parents, caregivers of children, or future parents,

  This ranty letter isn't just about one kid... this is about all kids, but one kid inspired me to write it. An 11 year old tried to commit suicide by hanging himself and he is fighting for his life now. (Link at bottom of page)
He was being bullied at school. These types of stories are not few and far between. These kinds of stories are easy to find, easy to come across, and horrible to imagine. So are stories about sexual abuse among kids and teens -peers abusing each other. It happens more than anyone knows because parents are often too preoccupied to realize it. It happens more than it should because we let kids raise each other most of the week, especially from Jr. High on up.

 Childhood should be the most amazing, free, happy, transformational time of a child's life, instead it's often a constant race to survive. It's a time that many look back on with good memories...but most of us also have heartbreaking stories too. There are often various events, situations, and periods of time where we should have been protected or guided either from the bully or from being the bully.

 Socialization of children is a total joke...it's not healthy for kids to grow up with as much unsupervised alone time as they do -completely free to ridicule and treat each other however they want. Kids shouldn't be expected to know how to treat others if they aren't guided through it. Not only do they need supervision, but they need examples, and they need to be taught. We follow around three year old kids and teach them manners, basic life skills and hygiene, how to cut with scissors, and how to cross the street. We teach our four year old kids to share, how to clean up, and how to make a bowl of cereal. We teach these young tikes how to talk to adults and say thank you and to not throw fits or whine. We teach them to share and to be fair with their young friends; but soon, all too soon, we let these kids run off largely unsupervised to play with other children from families we don't even know... all in the name of "socialization." And we let them do it forever and we rarely look back. From kindergarten on many of us rarely see what kids do during the day when they are "socializing."

 Today I just wanted a type out a message to parents and the message is this: What you say affects kids. What they see, hear, and learn about... ALL types of communication you have with them and that they have with other people affects them. If you bash others, or simply just complain or harass others within earshot of children they learn it is okay to do it to other people...namely their peers. They learn communication and socialization first from you and second from others and television/radio. They learn it's funny to ridicule others. We all do it at some point, and the point of it is usually to selfishly put ourselves on a pedestal above all others. It eventually becomes a serious habit for most people. A habit most people don't even realize they have. I'm a really nice person who cares about other people, but even I realized a few years back I said things I shouldn't. I changed myself for my kids, because even though I wasn’t a mean person I still said some negative things that I wouldn’t want them to say. In our household we also quit saying the word hate. We have to find kinder and more descriptive ways and reasons for saying we dislike something or someone; we also often to try to match a positive with a negative. This humanizes people and broadens our view on things. Even politically I play fair and try to teach two sides to every opinion and that people have the right to theirs. I just feel like it makes kinder, better kids to do so.

 Please pay attention to what you say about people that like certain things. Pay attention to how you treat others. Pay attention when you say 'I hate this actor’s ugly hair', 'I hate this show', 'look at that fat person', or whatever other rude thing you hold a personal opinion or bias about. What you say and how you treat others becomes your child's world view.

 Please pay attention when you say someone looks like a slut, or they have a big nose, or they are "lazy" because they get government assistance. Pay attention when hateful words fly out of your mouth about politics. Pay really close attention to everything you say and imagine your child going up to another child and rattling off those same words.

Just pay attention.

 If you say something on purpose or accident at least have the common sense and decency to follow up your negativity with something positive like: 'Well at least variety makes things interesting, I might not like it but people have a right to be who they are." Or, "I shouldn't say that, they are people too, I will be nicer and not bully people with my opinions."

 Make new habits to NOT say things you wouldn't say to someone in person. Deep down most of us adults don't want to hurt other people; most of us do have a conscience when held accountable for our words and actions. We have to teach our kids right from wrong and that should come largely from our example.

 Our kids grow up in a world where it's funny to ridicule people: just watch TV and read celebrity news. Read anything on the internet (especially the comments on news stories or on Facebook).  You'll see just how disgusting and hateful people are. A woman posted pictures of herself surfing while pregnant and the outpouring of hate and people calling her an idiot was baffling. Another blogger posted what others thought of as too many 'selfies' and so she received hate mail and death threats, from adults! Bullying is rampant, it's bad, and it's hurting our society. People LOVE to hate, and honestly they feed on it... it's gross. It has become cool to hate on things. It has  become cool to spew on about how much people and things suck.

 Commercials, T.V., movies, radio, magazines, Internet memes...you can find hate and shame in those things daily. Our kids soak it all up and they learn to be judgmental and hateful through them, their peers, and us. We all enjoy a funny skit on Saturday Night Live from time to time, or edgy comic bit, or political meme poking fun. We all laugh at someone's expense sometimes. I'm saying to be aware of it. Ask yourself why you think it's funny to make fun of others. Ask yourself why you're laughing. Ask yourself what your child is watching.

Our kids are watching and listening more than anyone thinks.

 I just recently heard one of my kids mock something they didn't understand or even care to understand. It wasn't a big deal, it wasn't even hateful, but it was unkind and uncompassionate. I broke into an impassioned speech about being nice and kind and watching what we say and who we judge. What they mocked meant something to someone and I don't want them spreading unkindness or meanness to others. It's especially important because their younger brothers and sisters were listening to them. It was a perfect example of standing up for someone in front of my kids so that they would learn empathy. They understood when I was done, and of course hadn’t even realized they were being unkind or negative.

 So that's my message today: watch kids, guide kids, show them good examples, talk to them about bullying, ask them what kind of bullying they see and how it makes them feel, ask them if they bully. Express to your kids that we should be kind to others and stand up for others. Be the person you want your kids to be. Teach personal boundaries and sexual boundaries. Teach kids not to touch, assault, rape, harm, push, or speak badly to other people. Teach kids about cyber bullying, and monitor what they do online. Don’t just assume they will be good kids. Say the words to them. Tell them what you expect and ask them to talk to you about things they see on T.V. or from their peers. Start young and then show them by example.

 After all the effort I put into raising nice kids, many years ago one of my kids did bully someone. This was 9 years ago or so... and of course I was shocked, but I faced it head on and we talked about it in detail. Turns out they were mimicking something they saw in a PG movie geared towards kids, and they had just repeated/reenacted what they saw and they did it word for word.

Kids ARE WATCHING and learning from everything they see.

News Story:

11-yr-old Boy Bullied for Being A Brony Fighting for Life After Suicide Attempt; How You Can Help

Winning a Pie Contest and Meeting Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar (Why I really do love them)

 When we arrived at the Patriot Day Rally we had a few things to get in order: pie drop off, bounce house for kids, find some food. After we got our food I was happy the table seating was taken up because I instead parked us in the grass next to where the Duggar family was signing autographs and meeting people. There was a huge line to meet them. Some of their older kids noticed us as I started spreading out blankets for kids to sit on and as Ricky and I opened chips and drinks for little kids. I often feel like a busy and satisfied mother hen tending to my chicks as I'm: wiping faces, making sure they have the food they will actually eat, helping them with this and that, patting them on the heads, kissing their cheek and laughing at them... or telling them to be good/quiet down... or to STOP fighting.

 The line to meet the Duggar family got longer and longer. I had not planned on waiting in line. I went up close to take some photos of them talking to other people. I just wanted to observe. As more of the event unfolded the Duggar clan soon took the stage leaving the line of people on hold. Their kids sang, played violins, played piano, they talked. 

 I knew our little kids were going to grow bored so we headed off to the playground after a while. Jim Bob and Michelle were telling their life story together which included the motivation behind having a large family, but I already knew some of those things. I wanted to make sure my kids didn't get burnt out and bored so I could listen in later and be there for the winning pie announcement. Sebastian is at this really frustrating (for us all) 3-4 year old screaming/angry stage. He's very independent and having trouble expressing himself and controlling his anger so I try to keep him busy and unruffled.

 We played on the playground and then played closer to the event. We played duck-duck goose, red light green light and ran round like crazies. Sebastian screamed over something, I was worried about him having a meltdown but he was okay. 

Charlotte's unbaked cherry-raspberry pie

 When it was time for door prize announcements we moved in closer. 

my unbaked apple star pie

 Yay pie contest was up first!! Third place was a peanut butter pie, second place they announced was Charlotte! To which I jumped up and down and started yelling, "This is my 16 year daughter!! She won 2nd!!" I'm sure she was thrilled at my yelling. Hahaha. Then they announced my name for 1st place. I jumped up hollering and acting like I was at a pie rodeo. I grabbed Charlotte by the arm and pulled her up to the front of the podium with me. All the while I'm yelling, "Mother-daughter won, mother-daughter won!!" at the top of my excited lungs.

                                                                  I dorked out. Totally.

And not only did they say I won but they said that my pie was exceptional. I'm so happy!

 The lady handing us our ribbons questioned me with a smile, "Wait, did you say you're mother and daughter?" I proudly did not hesitate to confirm that fact once again. When we got back to our seats in the grass some other people asked if we were mother and daughter too. It was fun. Several people thought it was so neat! We thought it was pretty great to win together. Charlotte worked so hard on her pie!

 After we collected our other prizes/ gift certificates I realized I dorked out and Charlotte was sweet and reassured me that it was okay. She's so cute :)  Aunt Sharon had met us at the rally so she got to see. She was so glad she came and didn't miss it!

 It was dark and the little kids were bored, unfortunately the other fun things closed down. We didn't get to the mechanical bull ride or rock wall climb in time. It was a bummer. We walked around the back of the stage area and ended up at the end of the line to meet the Duggar family. I stepped in line and looked at my husband lovingly and asked if we should wait after all. Charlotte was all for waiting in line and so were Sage and Ethan. Ricky said sure but we both had the obvious worry about the younger kids. He took them for a walk to see some emergency vehicles on display. I strapped Everett into the Ergo baby carrier to nurse and he thankfully fell asleep. When Ricky came back Sebastian and Penelope sat in the double stroller and looked bored but tired. It wasn't long until they started fighting, crying or doing both. It was 8pm and dark. I thought the fireworks might start and that would be the perfect line waiting activity, but we found out they didn't start until 9pm. Somehow we entertained the kids, it was touch and go for a little bit but then things were fine. There were jumbo post cards with the Duggar family on them that we could get signed. The kids met about five of the Duggar kids, they were super friendly. They talked and answered questions if you instigated the conversation. I thanked them for being so nice to sign autographs and be at the event, they said they loved it.

 As I approached Jim Bob and Michelle I gushed with a big smile and they returned it. 

 They were just as fantastically refreshed and happy looking as they were at the beginning of the event. There is nothing wrong with the picture above, but I'm telling you they look better than this. Charlotte had mentioned earlier how much younger they looked in person, and it's so, so true! They look great and younger! They beam with happiness and gratitude for their happy and content lives. They glow with love for each other. That's what first attracted me to them so many years ago. As I gushed and told them we wanted a big family and now have seven kids they were super happy for us. I totally thought they probably hear that all the time and would be like 'oh yes that's so nice dear now run along'. But it wasn't like that at all, they were interested in our kids and us! I thanked them for being an inspiration to us and that having lots of kids was something we already wanted to do but were afraid to plunge into. I said, "People think you are crazy when you have a lot of kids." Jim Bob laughed, "Well it is a little crazy." :) I laughed back, "Okay, it's actually a lot crazy, but so wonderful! They said they had to get a picture with our family which really made me happy. I wasn't going to ask but they jumped right up and joined our kids in line for a picture. I was so happy they wanted too! 

 As I introduced Ricky to both of them Jim Bob shook hands with Ricky and quipped, "There's the good guy." I can totally see Jim Bob in politics (as he has been) he's very personable and very charismatic. Jim Bob took the time to ask how old Everett was as he slept in the Ergo even though Everett had his face hidden. Michelle commented on my Ergo baby carrier. (Moms bond over Ergos!)  She said, "Aren't Ergos the best carriers, we have a few of those."

 Nicest people I've ever met. They had met hundreds of people over the past 4-5 hours and they were that nice to us. I feel like they actually looked at the people they talked to and met.

 I don't care that they believe in somethings I do and somethings I don't. I don't care they are "extreme." I'm fascinated by them and always have been. We didn't have a big family because Jim Bob & Michelle did, but it has sure made me feel better about it at times. Made me feel less alone I guess. When they look at each other I see how Ricky and I look at each other. When I hear them talk about children it's how we feel about our children. It was wonderful meeting such wonderful happy people. I'm amazed they have so many children and I'm inspired by them in various ways.

 Sometime in late 2004 or early 2005, before people knew who they were,  I caught a TLC documentary on TV called 14 kids and pregnant again. Ricky and I had four kids and wanted another couple of kids at least. So this show was a must see for me. I thought four kids was busy...I couldn't wait to see how a household of 14 ran! This show was my first TV encounter with the Duggar family and it covered lots of things I wanted to know:
Why do they only have one closet?
How much do they spend on groceries?
How much laundry do they do every day? And who does it?
How can they support such a large family?
How does each child feel about being a member of such a large family?
What do they do for fun?
Where does everybody sleep?
Do the kids ever get in fights?
How are conflicts settled?
How do you home school so many different ages?

 I recorded the show and watched it with Ricky and we found it interesting. It was the first time that I truly believed we could have more kids and be okay. Soon I heard about them on morning shows and in follow up shows on TLC. I remember telling my husband after we had Penelope, baby number five, that I had heard 'that family with the 14 kids are up to 16 kids now.' They soon became a household name in our own home. I enjoyed hearing about their new additions. I recorded their documentary style TLC shows to show our kids how their big family ran as I struggled to find our own groove and routine. As the laundry and chores at my house piled up I felt like if they could do it so could I. We were also new to homeschooling at that time. The Duggars were the first family with more than five children that I remember being exposed to. They inspired me and helped me see that we could do what we wanted to do, which was have more kids because it was what we believed in and it was the path we felt truly lead to. Their birth control beliefs struck me as especially interesting because we hold our own unique and in some ways similar beliefs as well. It didn't matter to us that they are extreme in their lifestyle. They are who they are and I enjoy the pieces that I connect with, which is really what we should do with all people. Their love and commitment for their family, their beliefs, their home and each other was and still is full of familiar and happy inspiration for me. I feel like people think they need to be exactly like each other in order to respect, embrace or admire one another. The best thing I learned in my young adult years was that this notion is totally wrong and dangerous. The saddest thing I discovered is that people love to hate each other. It's all over in our society. When I really opened my eyes to it I saw it everywhere. We all expect our children not to bully each other but our society shows adult bullying and the berating of people all of the time. It's in the news, in our own lives, in celebrity news, on TV and movies. Hate because some one is too fat or thin, too ugly or too beautiful, too outspoken, gay, because of political or religious beliefs. Hate just because. Read the comments at the bottom of news stories and opinion pieces, the hate is thick. Hate is the default emotion of 'I don't agree.' The biggest change I made over the years was to make doubly sure I didn't hate on others for who they are and that I didn't teach hate to my children. I was already teaching that to my kids but I had to make sure I was living that way. I now try hard to find the good in people, because it's there.  When I started doing that I felt more free because of it. Learning how to do that in a society of bullying and self righteousness takes realization, acceptance, self discovery and at times effort.

In a world where we aren't rallying against abusers and rapists or rioting in the streets over hungry and abused children in our very OWN country, heck in our very own communities,  I hold a lot of sadness and disappointment in people who take the time to criticize the Duggar family.

Related topics:
In Defense of the Duggars  

The Anti-bully Bullies 

The Top 10 Most Bullied Internet Celebrities People just being people, except hateful people band together and decided when people apparently aren't allowed to just be themselves.

Cyber-bullying cripples even celebrities  

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