What will we imprint on our kids today?

We all too easily forget that everything imprints upon kids in some way.
We all live our lives going through the motions of life as it happens and even though we are aware of imprinting we also forget. And life unfolds, and things happen, and kids pick up the good and the bad.

Like all parents I have those mouth drop moments when my kid says something that I never thought they would... those "I taught you better!" moments. Except sometimes I sadly realize I didn't teach them better. And that's what totally happened yesterday.

We were at the Y swimming when an older lady entered the small pool area we were in. Sebastian in very low voice (I know she did not hear him THANK you God) said, "Oh no, here comes an old person." I scowled at him and reprimanded him. I asked why he'd say such a thing or where he would have heard such a thing. And here it came... like a slap to the face, or a bucket of cold water dumped over my head waking me up, "You mom, you say 'oh no an old person' when you are driving."

Crap. I have said that. :(

I tried explaining to him that I like older people though, and I usually don't care if an old person pulls in front of me while I'm driving, but sometimes we are running late, like for example to the dentist, and that's when I say it. I told him all kinds of people drive slower than the speed limit and I should not have just picked on old people. I tried explaining that we should value all people and that I'm glad the lady, who looks like a very nice lady,  is using the pool to exercise. Unfortunately I realized in my explaining that he was not going to understand me very well at that moment sitting on the edge of the pool on a Monday afternoon. I just need to do better. I really try to not be negative or unkind and if I am negative I definitely try to be aware of how it might affect the kids and their behavior.  We don't even say "I hate ________" in our home. We encourage everybody in our home to use a better word than hate to express the displeasure of something.

This was an example of how quickly and innocently kids see the world through our eyes. They learn, absorb, and react to nearly everything. Imprinting. What a huge glaring responsibility we have as parents.

This is a great companion post to this post: Adults You Stop Bullying First

Kids: Punishment, Shame, and Spanking

I read this: Don't Shame Children In Pursuit Of Discipline

And it's really, really good. And then a couple days later I read this: Why Aren’t We Rude to Grown-ups the Way We Are Rude to Kids? And it's really great.

Not terribly long ago I watched this: Violence - a family tradition: Robbyn Peters Bennett and it changed my life.

If you are a parent or ever deal with kids on any level I strongly recommend reading/ watching the above links. They are not that long. As a mother of eight, my oldest 17, all of those links spoke volumes to me.

The last link, a TEDx talk video, brought about full circle change in me that I had been working towards for years. It literally drained every ounce of leftover anger/frustration/impatience towards children from my body. This one video after 17 years of parenting: something REALLY just clicked. I thought I understood so many things about child development, but this really refined my understanding of what spanking really does to kids. The term I learned in this video is self-regulation. I apply it to everything my kids do now. (Too much television/screen time can harm children’s ability to self-regulate too, so I’m familiar with this concept).

 Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate! It's my favorite word. I "get" that word! I am constantly working on helping my children self-regulate now. It's my parenting mantra.

 I write about toddler and preschool challenges as a parent, particularly I've written about Sebastian because he has been the most anger filled, hard to manage, stubborn kid we've ever had. (Sage being a close second) Sebastian screams when embarrassed or upset, he hides, he thrashes, he's strong and proud, and chock full of some kind of Superman-toddler-preschool testosterone levels. Layla is the other child I've written about in detail: stubborn, moody, gloomy, and a master at debate.

I have not written much about Everett but the child is a nut. I need to write what he's up to for his (and our) amusement later in life. His name means wild boar; and my God is he ever. He's fearless, too.

I cannot change these children's personalities, they belong to them, but I can do my best to not beat them down literally or figuratively over their own personalities. I've noticed as parents we want to curb bad behavior so that we don't have "bad" kids, and that works to a certain extent, manners for example are important. But when the problem goes beyond just behavior and good manners and these kids actually have difficult personalities it's a game changer. You can't change someone's personality, it's imprinted into them. People can change themselves, but we can do very little to literally change another person.

As parents most of us barely remember what it was truly like to be a kid, and over the years of parenting (observing myself and others) I have come to the conclusion that we have to try harder --and that the trying harder thing most likely never ends.

 Every day, every month, every year I try hard in different ways and for different reasons. I try hard to do better and in the process I find better ways to talk to the kids, teach the kids, and discipline the kids without punishing or shaming them. I was not always this way; I've learned there is a better way though.

 The ONE thing I must remind myself so very often not to do is to NOT shame them, talk harshly, or judge them --even in small ways. I try to let the kids be the people they are instead of attempting to make my life easier and rush them into the people they will be one day. Ricky's really good at it. The man is gifted with so much patience it makes me drop my jaw. I have to work on it. My mood changes often, and as a fiery Aries personality my frustration and patient levels fluctuate too. My mouth is also quick to fly open; sometimes even when I'm trying hard to be patient and/or kind with the kids I'm actually being super condescending.

What has helped immensely is that I've come to realize that the stages children go through as they grow are important and purposeful. I realize that while it's interesting and easy to watch and marvel at a six month old going from sitting to crawling to standing --very important developmental milestones mind you, it's so much harder and less cute to watch kids go through some other stages. Like forgetting to brush their teeth, or forgetting putting a liner in the trash after they take it out. It's hard dealing with kids' mood swings. But, kids and teens have mood swings just like adults do! It's not cute when kids and teens juggle responsibility poorly and seem forgetful or unfocused. It's hard when toddlers: break stuff, spill things, have mood swings, have melt downs, and make bad decisions, but it's even harder when a 10, 13, 16 year old does those same things. However, it's all stuff even grown-ups do on some level or another (and learn a lot from too). It's part of human development. I get too caught up in my own life to realize it sometimes though.

The human brain isn't fully mature until 25 years old. Learning this several years ago changed the way I parented, but it continues to change the way I parent. I realized that I had done tons of research on what newborns, babies, toddlers and preschoolers needed, but not adolescents and teens. I hope I'm becoming a better mom every day to my teens. (When they read this 10 or 15 years from now I hope they see that I really am trying to be a good mom to them too, I love them with the intensity that I love the babies.)

Feature links:

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain Part 1

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain, Part 2

A funny thing is happening now that we have teens: we have to be more accountable for our parenting. Mutual respect is always important in any relationship (parents rarely realize this) but now respect is more important than ever. If I want to achieve a healthy relationship with my teens I have to nourish a healthy non-violent relationship with them. (Remember violence can be emotional or verbal in nature not just physical.)  Why do I have to be more aware of what I'm saying or how I'm saying it to my older kids? Well, because they aren't little anymore. They have: higher thought processes, better vocabulary, and more refined personality traits. They have a more refined desire to stand up for themselves, and more hormones too. This makes me wonder how many times they would have stood up for themselves if they could have when they were younger. When they were young they wouldn't resent me long if I yelled or acted poorly or judged them harshly (or spanked them!) -but they are sure as heck more likely to now.

In hindsight it's sad to think about my young children without a voice just because I'm bigger, meaner, and stronger than them. Funny... I chuckle typing that though because our four littlest kids say 'no' to us plenty right now. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying to listen to what they are saying though, instead of just reacting to them.  It seems like a lot of people don't understand the give and take, patience, sacrifice, and commitment of relationships. I know there was a time when I most definitely did not. It's not modeled to us very much. I view our society as pretty self-centered.

I'm amazed at the things I learn when I listen to my kids, really listen, instead of react. Sometimes kids do things and they don't even know why. The other day Sebastian snapped part of a Styrofoam cooler lid in half. I looked at him and he looked at me... I wanted to ask him why the 'F' he'd do such a thing. But I didn't have to ask. He's five. I looked at him blankly as the realization of what he did spread across his face. The impulse to test the lid was too great to control at that moment, but once it snapped and the impulse was fulfilled the reality set in. Everett does things like that too, except with him (a three year old) he doesn't have the high thought process of 'Mom and Dad needed this." It's more of a 'that was cool I'm totally going to do it 50 more times and defend my actions by yelling at you (or crying) when you take my fun away.'

Layla

Layla, age 9, and I have had intense power struggles (we always have) and at my husband’s suggestion I stopped engaging in them. Oh I tried in bits and pieces here and there to stop engaging in them a long time ago, but I completely stopped engaging in them more recently. I retrained my reactions to soften and I told myself to stop taking everything so dang personal. This was serious now, I had to act like an in control grown up, and actually act like the person I wanted her to be. If I couldn’t control my frustrations how could I expect her to learn too control hers? Explaining my hurt feelings and talking without reacting got my point across so much better than reacting in anger or frustration. Sometimes it seemed to fall on deaf ears though. My husband says her and I are SO much alike we crash heads in anger and want to tear each other apart. (She and I are both fire signs!)

 I learned, or rather forced myself, to talk to her and explain my side of things without expecting anything in return. This is an exercise in being very unselfish. So many times in relationships we do things with selfish intentions but so often we don't even realize it. I ask myself when I apologize to my spouse or child for a wrong doing: Am I apologizing because I want to make them feel better? Or, do I want to make myself feel better? So they can utter the word 'it's ok' therefore freeing me from my guilt or bad feelings? I have to think about this and be aware of this, and by being aware of that I have become a vastly more compassionate and unselfish person.

Back to Layla: I started having no expectations when I shared my feelings with her. She needs to hear what I have to say and then do with it what she wishes. And things have gotten better. The amount of time she stays angry has lessened. I also noticed when I don't act condescending to her she is a whole different person towards me. Hum…respect is given when it's earned? Interesting concept, eh? I just happened to have a kid that demanded more of it than usual. I’m humbled.

If you are still with me here and reading this blog post I'm guessing it's because you are looking to be a better caregiver to kids and probably the topics in the title interest you. So go watch and read those links at the top. They are simply fascinating. If you only click one thing watch the video. It changed my whole life and it's just amazing. It's a wake up call. Parenting: we're doing it wrong.

Homeschool Reflections ...how far we've come and where we are going

Layla has a snow day and so far today she's watched various educational shows from Nova Science, learned about Ireland, played an online game that helps you construct a model of the human body (with focus on the digestive system), and is creating an advertisement (for a real or made up product) with the other kids. Homeschool family win! We are education focused, wholesome, and family centered. Nothing changes that. I think you can have that dynamic with a public school family as well, it's just rare because focus is easily shifted to other things and school left up to the institution. Ultimately the environment the child is raised in makes a huge difference no matter what, but from a homeschool family’s point of view I'm thrilled our household dynamic never changed. This is a common wonder/concern in families that enroll homeschool kids into public school.

The other day Layla told me all kids should go to public school. I gently reminded her that if homeschool isn't for everyone then public school isn't for everyone either. I know she agrees but she was being defiant and stubborn and argued with me. I didn't take the bait and dropped the conversation.

Today homeschooling and public school came up again and I mentioned one of the reasons I asked her if she wanted to try public school was because she was so angry when she'd ask me to teach her something and five minutes into me helping her she would suddenly get angry for no reason and storm off. It was confusing and frustrating for me. This went on for not just months but years!
 She told me defiantly, "Well yeah ‘cause learning with math blocks is BORING!" I retorted, "Yeah and you've never used math blocks in public school have you?" 

There was SILENCE and Charlotte half smiled at me knowingly and quietly. We didn't say anymore, nothing needed to be said. Layla's RARELY silent and I rarely can get the last word in with that child! But she realized for a moment that some things, many things perhaps, aren't that different when you learn them at school or home; you still have to sit and learn some things and be patient. She obviously just prefers her school, and that's okay because we like this particular school and she is thriving.

The other day something else caught her attention. I was cooking dinner and talking to the children about having good character. We started discussing what it means to be a good role model, to do the right thing and to have good character. We talked about how the way we act shapes the entire world around us, what others think of us and how we feel about others and ourselves. Having good character is important. Layla excitedly piped up, "Oh at school we have a sign in the lunch room that says character is everything!!"
I knew this -and that's why I enjoy her school. They spend time focusing on developing respectful students, and we get reinforcement of values and manners that we have already been working on at home for years! Because of this Layla is even more perceptive to our rules and our family’s character. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I really love her school.  It’s won awards, the principal is amazing, the staff down to the bus drivers and cafeteria workers are all part of the schools mission statement /goal to teach safety respect and responsibility.  

We have an understanding though, 5th grade is the cut off. Our kids aren't going to public middle school/Jr. High and it's something we made clear before she was enrolled. The very idea of segregating children in a Lord of The Flies, popularity driven environment with dwindling adult supervision and dwindling parental involvement in a media obsessed and boyfriend/girlfriend/sex crazed society...as parents we simply draw the line. Her elementary school is fabulous, but it all ends here. No exceptions. We don't agree with the moral decline of our society -and we have a commitment to raise our own children in a respectful, supervised and wholesome environment. I know what *I* learned in middle school and what a lack of supervision and direction there is. I lived in an upper class suburban neighborhood and went to a brand new pristine school that was still tainted with a society that teaches ‘teens will be teens’ and use a condom for sex, instead of don’t have sex.  Like the majority of teens I knew I looked at my peers and the media for what was acceptable social behavior. Friends suddenly become your family, at least you feel that way for a while. Sadly, no one is immune to it, so I can't predict if our kids will get horribly sucked into that culture or not. Ultimately the bad influences won out for me and it set the stage for high school years that were terribly reckless, valueless and not at all school focused. It's the reason I'm an obsessively attentive mom. I'll never let that happen to my kids. I don’t believe in the society I stand in, I don’t trust others and I take responsibility for how my kids turn out (to a certain degree anyway…at some point nature and nurture do collide and they fully become their own human being). That saying "I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my child" applies here.

Layla and I have always had a weird relationship. She's very standoffish but warms up and I have to be careful in order for our relationship to grow. The only reason she's not a raging brat with a ton of problems is her stable life and family. Ricky and I are 100% sure of it. We also have no doubt that she is not only improving and growing but she is learning trust, patience and acceptance...slowly over time...since birth. It's almost like through her I have a glimpse of my own complicated and angry self at a young age. As a child I was fraught with emotional problems and anger that was difficult to pinpoint and it haunted me from 8 until 18. I told Ricky I would not let that happen to her, and so we carefully supervise and nurture her. We give her space when needed and surround her with siblings/family and proper morals. We limit her exposure to all media (just like the rest of our kids). She seems to thrive and grow instead of get worse. Thank you, God.

Since I'm writing and reflecting about school life and kids I must write about how proud I am of our teenagers Charlotte, Sage and Ethan. I want to reflect on how far we’ve come with homeschooling/ child-led learning!  I'm really proud of how proactive they are of their education. They spend so much independent time on school work and I don't do very much in the way of planning their day out for them anymore. They have texts, workbooks, and projects, suggestions from us, computer programs and internet sites. They have the 'tools' they just have to apply the time and desire to learn. And they do. We have long told them we are not responsible for their education beyond providing them the tools and support they need. From a young age we gave them simple ideas and suggestions about what success might mean to them. We painted a picture of what lazy and unmotivated is and we strongly discouraged that kind of behavior. We provided rules but also gave suggestions for keeping busy at home and limiting things like TV, video games and procrastination. We often say 'find something constructive or meaningful to do.' It can be anything but it needs to have a purpose. Another thing I say is “live with intent.” Move your body or your minds... take care of something. It can be housework, school work, reading, playing, exercising, art, crafts, playing games with siblings, building something, journaling, knitting, gardening, nature walk, write a letter, play with siblings…whatever! But we must keep our minds busy. We must keep our bodies moving. I use their dad as an example: he has to be at work all day long; we must use our time wisely as he does and show something for our day.

We always embraced child-led learning by leaving educational magazines and books strewn about the house. We always had nature guides and maps around the house as well as snake, bird, plant and spider identifying books. One year, many years ago, we did almost nothing but go on field trips and watch brainpop.com. I'm STILL amazed at all the stuff they learned from that site (and still learn), it is pure gold! I wanted our kids to value books and the library. I wanted them to know they could learn anything; and that we didn't have to teach them, they could teach themselves. I wanted them to love to learn and to never be bored by history. I wanted them to learn arithmetic, but to choose how much math they needed in their life. I used to be worried about what they knew or didn't know but after years of studying them and their habits I realized there is no one size fits all way to ensure kids learn 100% of everything. Some kids are voraciously academic (my husband) some kids struggle (me). Sage was a “very late” reader and still isn't a real strong reader, but neither are lots of other public school kids. Ethan and Charlotte need more spelling skills, but so do a lot of public schooled adults I know. We find our strengths and weaknesses and we hone both as needed. As parents we of course guide them towards the area that show weakness so they can improve and the things they are best at they naturally build upon. Charlotte is old enough now that she can see her own weaknesses and think through what she really wants to accomplish academically. She has taken it upon herself to learn many things this year without guidance. One focus she has is to improve her math skills and prepare for college in case she wants to go. She spends hours and hours on the Kahn Academy website.  It all seriously impresses me. We teach personal responsibility and self-sufficiency but I barely realized that when we told our kids their education was up to them it was actually the ultimate test and act of personal responsibility a person could have. They log their own subject and homeschool hours and they do very well at writing everything they do down.  I’m really proud of them. 

There are still times I’m concerned, there are still doubts, and I still get completely overwhelmed about what we are able to provide them or not provide them. That’s life though. I wish we could afford more things like piano lessons; and if we had less kids we could. That doesn’t mean our kids can’t work on playing piano on their own (Charlotte does!) and it certainly doesn’t ever mean we wish we had less kids.  Same goes for private school. We were well aware that by having a big family private/alternative school would not ever be an option. I mention Sage not being a strong reader. I’m sure he’d be labeled in public school as dyslexic but since labels tend to give people an excuse instead of encouragement I never wanted him to learn that excuse. I felt like it was enough to just know –on his part and ours- that he needs extra practice and time. And he does know he has an extra hard time and we try to present it as a challenge instead of a handicap. We are all good and bad at different things. I told him SO WHAT if he is homeschooling until he’s 20. So what? So what if he can’t “graduate” and he takes time to live at home while probably working a side job while working on more language arts or math or whatever….Public school wouldn’t have given him that option. Public school would have failed him until he quit or passed him with a diploma he didn’t deserve. (I knew illiterate people in high school, it was painful to watch them struggle and it was stunning to see them graduate barely able to read.) I don’t think he’ll be “schooling” that long. I think he makes huge strides and improvements and he’s gaining confidence, but the great thing about homeschool is learning at your own pace and directing your education and yourself.

 I had to let go of a tremendous amount of fear to homeschool the kids.  “What if we make them dumb!?” I’d ask my husband.

But when does self-doubt about life ever stop? It never will truly. It will control you if you let it. This is yet another thing I’ve recently talked over with the kids; we should not fear where we are in life. Life is a ‘choose your own adventure’ book and behind every adventure there are unknown challenges, lessons and rewards. Have faith my children, for it has served our family well.

A Vigil for Blake Litton

Penelope rght after adding her doggie to our box-sign

We held our own personal vigil for Blake Litton tonight. I was proud of my kids gathering favorite stuffed animals and setting up the candles (blue for child abuse awareness). I didn't act like the little kids were going to participate at all. Since they are so young I mainly asked the older kids to help get things ready. The younger kids pitched in on their own though and wanted to take part too. We don't normally discuss violent crime with the younger kids (unless it were to accidentally come up). However, in this situation I saw a teachable moment and even though it was hard to say I told them the truth about what happened. Penelope brought her stuffed doggie to me and told me she was ready. It was really sweet.


I talked to the kids about child abuse in many forms: neglect, endangerment, verbal abuse, and physical abuse. I talked about how this wasn't a stressful situation in which a child was hurt and killed, like some children are a victim of, this was a deliberate and real case of child abuse; where children were harmed purposely and repeatedly many times. (All types are inexcusable.) I talked to the kids about broken homes, broken marriages, trusting others to care for our children as well as and making wise decisions before having children. We've been teaching that to our kids for years so that was more of a 'this is why we've told you that before' type of point to make. We talked about speaking up against child abuse in any setting. We talked about the fact that someone usually knows when kids are being hurt; family, neighbors, friends sometimes know so we need to pay attention so we can help kids if we ever suspect abuse in a home. Lastly I told the kids that five or more children die everyday from child abuse. They were all silent and shocked with a couple mouths dropped open. Sage asked me if that was in the United States alone. I told him yes. They were shocked to think about the fact that every day we could write 5 new kids' names on our board and do this over and over again each day. In fact, we had a picture of another recently killed baby tucked under a stuffed animal on our sign. There are so many children.

We said a prayer and we told Blake we were sorry his life here was so short and painful. I told him I wished I could have helped him and I hope he is feeling our presence and love for him, even though we have never even met him.

The kids then talked, played with the candles (lighting tiny twigs with them), and hung out together out front. Their dad got home from work during the vigil and slowly drove by us to say hi and admire our sign and effort before pulling into the driveway. It was a beautiful night to be outside. We had a cup of coffee together and enjoyed our corner of the world, which is free from pain and sorrow in our own lives, all while wishing Blake and many other children could feel that same security.

We took our sign in because it's supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow. I plan on putting it back out after the rain passes in a day or so. I wanted to leave the candles burning but Ricky said the leaves were too dry around the front garden bed and it was windy. Charlotte said something like' burn down our house mom, that'll get our message out then' and we laughed.

After the vigil I don't feel much different (proud of my kids though). If I think too much I still feel hollow, speechless, lost and sad. I feel good about sharing time with the kids and talking about an important and unpleasant subject with them. I don't like unpleasantness, sadness and violence so I avoid it a lot. I taught the kids to pour loving energy outward instead of keeping it inward. They learned things about child abuse. I guess my gloom has a little less to do with Blake at this point. I try and imagine him wrapped in love now, free of pain. I guess now I just feel defeated, there are so many kids out there hurting. I feel the sting of a selfish society with a slipping moral fiber. (Although I know we've always had pain and abuse so please don't tell me that if you read this and think that.)

Sometimes this planet is such an amazing place, sometimes it's nothing short of horrible. Our world, our lives, our society is only as good as the people that are in it.

Teach your children well... show them how to love. Tell them why.

My commitment in life is to teach my children how to love, how to protect themselves,
and how to help others

I was surprised not one kid smiled for this photo, since it's usually habit

Rest In Peace Blake

We think of you and all other children whose lives were silenced because of the

selfishness and hate carried by the adults you trusted.