When Babies Wean and Re-purposing an Ottoman

A New Bed for Beatrice

Beatrice was waking more and more at night as her co-sleeper got smaller and smaller for her growing baby self. I had a great idea suddenly. I re-purposed a large unused ottoman of ours that had storage inside of it and made it into a toddler bed! Beatrice got the bottom part and Everett the plush top part.

I feel like a genius, a free and cute bed! I lined it with lots of blankets for now but we could add a memory foam mattress pad later if needed. They LOVE their new beds in our room. Beatrice plays in her bed with her baby dolls and looks at books periodically during the day. It's SO cute! She is sleeping really well in her bed once we rock her to sleep in the evening. She has recently weaned (at 25ish months old). Gone so quickly are the care-free easy days of nursing to sleep...for both of us. I had been sadly counting down until I was to hit 20 weeks pregnant...because of nursing.  She was already nursing less and less naturally, but around 20 weeks pregnant seems the magic number my body tends to halt milk production altogether. She was on her way towards self-weaning and this of course progressed it. Some of my babies will keep on nursing through the milk decline and others stop completely. Both are hard life changing situations. If you have ever 'dry' nursed you know it's pretty awful and you start to go through a natural stage I call the mama cat stage... where you just don't want them nursing on you anymore. It's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. Mama cats (and other mammals but mama cats I've watched) bite their young, growl, or walk away from their young when they don't want to nurse them anymore. I know the feeling! It's a very primal reaction and I am always so surprised how it feels. It's also so sad! She's my sweet baby! I don't want to growl at her! But that is what happens. I actually have made growling or frustrated sounds and felt like a mama cat wanting to get away. It's happened with the other kids too. My body just gets done, but my mind wishes it wasn't the end already. It's natural.

Weaning has been hard on her but not super hard. She mostly weaned herself thank goodness. But it's still a hard and different thing and a huge change for us both. Before things went totally dry she had gradually cut out all nursing except once at nap time, bed time, and sometimes at 4am. Once milk dried up she further cut out enough sessions that she eventually "forgot" how to nurse. This is natural and normal progression of weaning. She no longer sucks correctly which makes nursing super horrible and irritating for me and a bit confusing for her. She knows it was comfort and food. She knows it was warmth and love. She just doesn't understand why it's not the same. After a couple of minutes of awkward nursing she will usually ask for milk from the kitchen. If she doesn't stop on her own I have to make her stop nursing. Sometimes she willingly stops when I ask her to and other times she cries a little or a lot. Overall she has been my easiest to actually help wean. I had other babies hang on to the prospect of nursing, dry nurse, and cry and cry over the change. (Some started nursing again after a new baby came which was pretty sweet actually -though not without a new set of challenges.) Sebastian and Sage technically win the easiest and fastest weaning awards. They both just abruptly stopped one day and never wanted back on again. Not even out of comfort, habit, or when sick or hurt. Just pretty much like 'Thanks mom, nice to know ya! Bye now!" Interesting enough to later learn their personalities are VERY similar even now! (They are seven years apart in age.)

Starting about a month ago I became really grouchy, moody, tired, and felt so off. I was snappy at the kids and that is a huge red flag for me. Not just the normal stressed mom occasional snappy spell either... I mean it felt more like I was going to snap every 20 minutes and the kids seemed irritating/annoying to me over normal stuff. I was way less patient and dreading every day for a while. It's a "red flag" because I have learned that feeling that way often means my thyroid is under active. Also I felt depressy. Not fully depressed, but just kinda depressed and down. I take Armour thyroid so I had my blood drawn to check out my levels/dosage. The tests came back fine for the dosage I'm on. I later finally realized her big weaning transition coincided with this grouchy, moody, tired, "off" phase I was having. See: Sadness and Depression during (and after) Weaning at Kellymom.

Very interesting isn't it!?

I am feeling better now and Beatrice is too. She was also super cranky around the same time that I was. She of course wanted me to hold her a lot and I did. I told everyone in our house why she was cranky and that she needed extra love and patience but I didn't realize I needed that too! The acceptance period has now set in for the both of us. Her and I are finding new ways to snuggle and cuddle and we are learning new ways to soothe her when she is tired, hurt or upset. For a solid two years nursing was the cure-all for everything. Nursing is such a easy fix. It is amazing how fast nursing can solve problems. Tired, cranky, hungry, teething, hurt...it's the most magical thing. And now I have to pace the floor with her and actually get out of bed if she wakes up at 2 or 4 am. (So much more work ;) Overall though she is doing so great.

I don't feel sad, but if I think about how fast it went I can get sad real quick. She was such a fun, sweet nursing baby. She still is sweet and fun and my "baby." Look at her though: weaning, out of diapers, has a new bed, talking SO much, and has a new baby sister or brother on the way!

It's also quite natural that around this time I get a bit bummed that "I'm throwing her out of the nest." I started having the feelings that she is the baby and I want her to stay the baby.  True she won't be the youngest, but she's just two! She has not over welcomed her baby stay. She is still very much my baby. But, whether I like it or not she is growing up and is a big girl older baby now. A lot of women have guilt, sorrow, and fear about having another baby and "replacing" their baby with a fresher, newer model. Since I have done this many times this is what I have to say about that: Feel sad, afraid, overwhelmed, feel whatever you are feeling and just know those feelings will melt away and they are normal. Everything will be okay and you will love both babies the same and cuddle with them together and hold them together... and do motherful things you never thought physically or mentally possible with them. It is truly amazing what mothers do.

Beatrice has weaned completely since I started writing this post off and on for over a month. She is now falling asleep on the floor every night near us while we get the other kids ready for bed or while I read books to her. I move her into her own bed after she falls asleep and she sleeps all night! I am SO lucky! Not all babies/toddlers are this easy so quickly. I can't believe how many sleepless nights of toddler waking and weaning hardships I've had in the past years with other babies. I so deserve this break! Every child is different and their needs and personalities are too. I am enjoying sleeping ALL night long (most nights anyway) while it lasts!

Seven Months

 Seven months have passed like a flash of lightning. Baby Bee snuggles in-between us during the night; she has open, soft, relaxed hands until she's hungry and she grabs for me tightly as she nurses into another deep slumber. At sunrise she batts her long eyelashes at us and we're pretty stunned how fast it goes. Another newborn grown and gone... and now a little curious, wide eyed sweetheart blooms before our watchful eyes.

 I left the bed for a moment one early morning, leaving a large gap between her and her daddy. In under a minute she had scooted up against her daddy to find security. It was precious.

 Beatrice talks to all of her siblings when they enter the room. Her face lights up as she scans their familiar faces and she lets out a intentful wide mouthed "ahh-aah" sound as her arms flap like a baby bird. The kids all take the time to acknowledge her with their own brand of greetings and Baby Bee goes wild with happiness that her little tribe notices her. They always say hi to her, they always carry on about how cute she is. Watching her face light up and her brain make familiar connections as she learns we all live with her is one of many great joys we get from having her in our lives.
 Her personality is sweet and watchful, content but careful. She nods her head into my chest when she gets bashful. She sucks in her bottom lip when she's interested. She smiles when she's filled with joy. She squeaks and carries on when I walk by; she has a call for me and the squeaking gets louder and then sadder sounding the longer I take at responding. I usually am able to get her before she cries out, she's learned communication with me is working and I hear her. I love this little sweetie so much. It's such a blessing to get to do this all over again.

Days Go By, Family, & How Nurturing Children and Their Experiences Might Alter Family DNA

I can't seem to get everything written that I want to, not even close, not even a little bit.

Days are filled with laughter and craziness. Days are filled with hilarious children and also screaming children. Days are filled with fun and also hard work. Days are filled with stress and also peace. Days are filled with boredom and excitement, laundry, and an army of hungry kids. Days and nights are filled with nursing a hungry, sweet, bright eyed baby. (I'm in total awe of her and I smell and kiss her all of the time. It's as if I've never had a baby before. I just look at her totally amazed she came from *us.*) Days are filled with temper tantrums --both mine and the kids'. Days are filled with appreciation for many blessings, and days are filled with too much to do.

I wish I could remember all of the things I wanted to write over this past week...or three. But I at least remember laughter and silliness, I remember hilarious kids, I remember family time, I remember Penelope's excitement and fabulous joy as she discovered she can touch the pool bottom now --and swim without floaties. I remember a lot of love and friendship between family. I remember thinking to myself...it's always been this way in my life, whether I knew it at the time or not. What a blessing.

I remember wanting to write about the simple lovely images I tried hard to burn into my mind last week... my grandma cutting watermelon, my aunt who made cupcakes for the kids to decorate, the kids playing games, the refreshing swimming pool, Aunt Sharon cooking up a storm, Aunt Holly's wit, good company and helpfulness, Echo's helpful and friendly presence. We look forward to July every year. I want to hold onto those memories because the years seem to roll on too fast and it scares me.

As I watched the kids playing and visiting with family I looked on and carefully listened as our aunts, uncles, and grandma talked and played with the kids. Even the youngest ones are allowed to help cook and water plants when they ask. I notice they bring the kids along to feed the hummingbirds or let them have the hose to water plants and many other things. The children are included so much in everything we all do. It was this moment I realized that I was destined to be a good mother, I didn't know it at age 7 or 12 or 16 ... but I was destined to be a loving person, and I was destined to be happy. I believe it is because of my family. When children are shown love and joy they carry it with them.

Including the youngest kids in the simplest things, talking to them, and spending time with them teaches an important lesson: be kind to children. I notice that when I'm stressed, short tempered, or angry at the younger kids in our household the older kids act that way to them too. When I'm calm,  respectful, patient and sensitive to them and I treat them like the innocent small human beings that they are the older kids act the same.

I watch the whole cycle start again as Charlotte (16) patiently takes Everett (2) with her to gather eggs and feed the chickens. My Aunt Sharon used to take me to feed my Grandma's chickens at that age.

Charlotte lets Penelope 'be on her team to play 'big kid games' even though it takes longer and Penelope might make “wrong” choices. Penelope feels special and has so much fun. Sage and Ethan also include the younger kids in far more things and are far more patient than I could have imagined.

I vividly remember being on grown up 'teams' when I was young, even when the game didn't require teams. It's one of the nicest and inclusive things you can do for a child; make them feel important and equal and 'big.' I didn't tell her to include Penelope, she just did. It's just what you do in a family: include, love, enjoy. I'm lucky to have had a long line of nurturing family members with various talents, interests, hobbies...all with a wild and wacky sense of humor and love of children.

Then I look at my husband: patient and nurturing, kind and honest. He's hardworking, humble and unselfish. Just like his parents.

 As I wrote this blog post this fascinating article came across my desk "Grandma's Experiences Leave a Mark on Your Genes" 
I'll be sharing it with my children. We tell them all the time how various things we do can help or hurt babies and kids.

According to the new insights of behavioral epigenetics, traumatic experiences in our past, or in our recent ancestors’ past, leave molecular scars adhering to our DNA. Jews whose great-grandparents were chased from their Russian shtetls; Chinese whose grandparents lived through the ravages of the Cultural Revolution; young immigrants from Africa whose parents survived massacres; adults of every ethnicity who grew up with alcoholic or abusive parents — all carry with them more than just memories. 

"...our experiences, and those of our forebears, are never gone, even if they have been forgotten. They become a part of us, a molecular residue holding fast to our genetic scaffolding. The DNA remains the same, but psychological and behavioral tendencies are inherited. You might have inherited not just your grandmother’s knobby knees, but also her predisposition toward depression caused by the neglect she suffered as a newborn.  Or not. If your grandmother was adopted by nurturing parents, you might be enjoying the boost she received thanks to their love and support. The mechanisms of behavioral epigenetics underlie not only deficits and weaknesses but strengths and resiliencies, too."

 I've long known that excessive crying is not good for babies.

Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16 

Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times. 

         Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful

 Science tells us that when babies cry alone and unattended, they experience panic and anxiety. Their bodies and brains are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol stress hormones. Science has also found that when developing brain tissue is exposed to these hormones for prolonged periods these nerves won’t form connections to other nerves and will degenerate. Is it therefore possible that infants who endure many nights or weeks of crying-it-out alone are actually suffering harmful neurologic effects that may have permanent implications on the development of sections of their brain? Here is how science answers this alarming question:Chemical and hormonal imbalances in the brain
Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16
Researchers at Yale University and Harvard Medical School found that intense stress early in life can alter the brain’s neurotransmitter systems and cause structural and functional changes in regions of the brain similar to those seen in adults with depression. 17
One study showed infants who experienced persistent crying episodes were 10 times more likely to have ADHD as a child, along with poor school performance and antisocial behavior. The researchers concluded these findings may be due to the lack of responsive attitude of the parents toward their babies. 14.
Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times. 6
Dr. Allan Schore of the UCLA School of Medicine has demonstrated that the stress hormone cortisol (which floods the brain during intense crying and other stressful events) actually destroys nerve connections in critical portions of an infant’s developing brain. In addition, when the portions of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional control are not stimulated during infancy (as may occur when a baby is repeatedly neglected) these sections of the brain will not develop. The result – a violent, impulsive, emotionally unattached child. He concludes that the sensitivity and responsiveness of a parent stimulates and shapes the nerve connections in key sections of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional well-being. 7, 8
Decreased intellectual, emotional, and social development
Infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings at an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, concluding that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.”
Researchers have found babies whose cries are usually ignored will not develop healthy intellectual and social skills. 19
Dr. Rao and colleagues at the National Institutes of Health showed that infants with prolonged crying (but not due to colic) in the first 3 months of life had an average IQ 9 points lower at 5 years of age. They also showed poor fine motor development. (2)
Researchers at Pennsylvania State and Arizona State Universities found that infants with excessive crying during the early months showed more difficulty controlling their emotions and became even fussier when parents tried to consol them at 10 months. 15
Other research has shown that these babies have a more annoying quality to their cry, are more clingy during the day, and take longer to become independent as children 1.
Harmful physiologic changes
Animal and human research has shown when separated from parents, infants and children show unstable temperatures, heart arrhythmias, and decreased REM sleep (the stage of sleep that promotes brain development). 10 12, 13
Dr. Brazy at Duke University and Ludington-Hoe and colleagues at Case Western University showed in 2 separate studies how prolonged crying in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. They concluded that caregivers should answer cries swiftly, consistently, and comprehensively. (3) and (4)

1. P. Heron, “Non-Reactive Cosleeping and Child Behavior: Getting a Good Night’s Sleep All Night, Every Night,” Master’s thesis, Department of Psychology, University of Bristol, 1994.
2. M R Rao, et al; Long Term Cognitive Development in Children with Prolonged Crying, National Institutes of Health, Archives of Disease in Childhood 2004; 89:989-992.
3. J pediatrics 1988 Brazy, J E. Mar 112 (3): 457-61. Duke University
4. Ludington-Hoe SM, Case Western U, Neonatal Network 2002 Mar; 21(2): 29-36
5. Butler, S R, et al. Maternal Behavior as a Regulator of Polyamine Biosynthesis in Brain and Heart of Developing Rat Pups. Science 1978, 199:445-447.
6. Perry, B. (1997), “Incubated in Terror: Neurodevelopmental Factors in the Cycle of Violence,” Children in a Violent Society, Guilford Press, New York.
7. Schore, A.N. (1996), “The Experience-Dependent Maturation of a Regulatory System in the Orbital Prefrontal Cortex and the Origen of Developmental Psychopathology,” Development and Psychopathology 8: 59 – 87.
8. Karr-Morse, R, Wiley, M. Interview With Dr. Allan Schore, Ghosts From the Nursery, 1997, pg 200.
9. Kuhn, C M, et al. Selective Depression of Serum Growth Hormone During Maternal Deprivation in Rat Pups. Science 1978, 201:1035-1036.
10. Hollenbeck, A R, et al. Children with Serious Illness: Behavioral Correlates of Separation and Solution. Child Psychiatry and Human Development 1980, 11:3-11.
11. Coe, C L, et al. Endocrine and Immune Responses to Separation and Maternal Loss in Non-Human Primates. The Psychology of Attachment and Separation, ed. M Reite and T Fields, 1985. Pg. 163-199. New York: Academic Press.
12. Rosenblum and Moltz, The Mother-Infant Interaction as a Regulator of Infant Physiology and Behavior. In Symbiosis in Parent-Offspring Interactions, New York: Plenum, 1983.
13. Hofer, M and H. Shair, Control of Sleep-Wake States in the Infant Rat by Features of the Mother-Infant Relationship. Developmental Psychobiology, 1982, 15:229-243.
14. Wolke, D, et al, Persistent Infant Crying and Hyperactivity Problems in Middle Childhood, Pediatrics, 2002; 109:1054-1060.
15. Stifter and Spinrad, The Effect of Excessive Crying on the Development of Emotion Regulation, Infancy, 2002; 3(2), 133-152.
16. Ahnert L, et al, Transition to Child Care: Associations with Infant-mother Attachment, Infant Negative Emotion, and Cortisol Elevations, Child Development, 2004, May-June; 75(3):649-650.
17. Kaufman J, Charney D. Effects of Early Stress on Brain Structure and Function: Implications for Understanding the Relationship Between Child Maltreatment and Depression, Developmental Psychopathology, 2001 Summer; 13(3):451-471.
18. Teicher MH et al, The Neurobiological Consequences of Early Stress and Childhood Maltreatment, Neuroscience Biobehavior Review 2003, Jan-Mar; 27(1-2):33-44.
19. Leiberman, A. F., & Zeanah, H., Disorders of Attachment in Infancy, Infant Psychiatry 1995, 4:571-587. 

Penelope

A day after we were home from the hospital I saw on our dining room chalkboard wall "Bring Nellie Home" written around flowers, hearts and other pictures from the previous week. I stood and stared at it almost welling up with tears. There are those moments when you look at your child and wonder 'what if the worst happens to my child, what if this actually happens.' It can be triggered by a sad news report involving a child or something like a medical uncertainty and scare. The moment when you stop and imagine the unimaginable can also be triggered by nothing at all, just fear and imagination. It’s called having kids.

In the hospital I soaked up her blue eyes and occasional smile as I couldn’t hide from my thoughts: what I would life be if she weren’t here? When you're in the hospital and bone scans and MRI's start being mentioned you can't help but ask yourself 'what if it is something really bad... and in our future we have to watch her die?' I then thought of other parents who were in the very same hospital just floors away from me who were actually doing just that with their own kids. It's so unfair when kids are hurt. It's a fear and terror like no other I could truly imagine, and of course I have had and probably will continue to have those thoughts and moments with each and every one of my kids. Several years ago I had to stop reading a book where a child was abducted and killed because it was too disgusting and horrible for me to even read in fiction. Even worse the blue eyed child in the story reminded me so much of Penelope that I sobbed and sobbed before finally putting the book down forever without finishing it. I'm a total basket case about things like that and totally avoid it in any form real or not.

No matter how stressful things are day to day I feel we live with a lot of gratitude, I try to pass on that thankful spirit to my kids as we really strive to see the bright side. I feel like the last few months have been really trying and stressful but I'm so thankful our family works together to make the best of it all. I hope the children learn to deal with life as it comes and to keep trying and remembering that this too shall pass. Ricky and I smile and laugh through tough times, we break up a lot of kid fights and live through a lot of toddler meltdowns, we wade through work, home repairs, chores and money problems. We sigh a lot and we hold our head from the stress, we tell each other it's going to be okay... and we have each other. We all have each other. I really try not to get too caught up in the stress because as long as we all have each other things are good.  

Penelope before she turned 6

 No one ever says 'I wish I hadn't spent so much time with my kids'
There are many things that I'll never regret that are time consuming and self-sacrificing. Co-sleeping is one of those things. Beyond just typical co-sleeping though we also lay with whatever child, at whatever age, for however long, to get them to sleep. For example Penelope is six years old and I still lay with her every night to get her to sleep. Usually we let her fall asleep in our cozy bed. Sometimes this is really time consuming, sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I think it's ridiculous because I need to get something done and she needs me at bedtime. Most of the time, however, I find it calming, soothing, bonding, quiet time. Someday she won't be my little girl, she'll be big. She won't cuddle or need me as often, and one day I'll never lay with her at bedtime again.  Sometimes we are tired and heads hit pillows and eyes close quickly; more often though she winds down by telling me about some thoughts, fears or dreams. Sometimes she tells me about something that happened that day and I get to really hear her speak and I often find myself loving her excitement and voice. It's usually during bedtime that I get to find out even more about who she is and how she feels about things. I get to hear her imagination churn on about things without being distracted by daytime sounds or other kids. She tells me about interactions with her siblings, too. Once she repeatedly reminded me to talk to Layla about something that hurt her feelings. We kept forgetting during the next day to talk to Layla, but at night she'd remember and talk about it with me. She tells me sweet things too. She'll tell me she likes that I am spending more time with her during the day (I cut out internet time and deleted my Facebook two months ago). That touched me so much that she told me that! Tonight she told me that she couldn't wait until she could run again (she's on limited movement for illness). I realize as I write this it's not always what she says but how she says it. She's just so sweet. She rubs my arm sometimes while she falls asleep. I think about how safe and warm she must feel. I think about how I slow down and take the time to enjoy my kids -not just my babies- and I so enjoy our quiet bedtime routine together. Ricky and I had a chuckle the other day over her telling me during quiet bedtime talks that she doesn't like it when daddy is on a business trips but kinda does like it because she gets to sleep with me all night long. :)

Update on the illness: Penelope's health continues to improve. She still has a cough, but she is on the mend. We had a couple more days of concern, swollen neck lymph node, fevers at night that went away and a little uncertainty about if we should get a chest x-ray. She is doing great and we are very confident now she's healing. We continue to keep her close to us, hydrated and on somewhat limited activity. She was skipping around the house after three days being home from the hospital. We had to keep reminding her to rest, rest, REST!!

Because my town printed an article that said sleeping with your children is bad and dangerous...

I want the US Dept of Health services out of our bedroom.

We love sharing SAFE sleep.