Penelope

A day after we were home from the hospital I saw on our dining room chalkboard wall "Bring Nellie Home" written around flowers, hearts and other pictures from the previous week. I stood and stared at it almost welling up with tears. There are those moments when you look at your child and wonder 'what if the worst happens to my child, what if this actually happens.' It can be triggered by a sad news report involving a child or something like a medical uncertainty and scare. The moment when you stop and imagine the unimaginable can also be triggered by nothing at all, just fear and imagination. It’s called having kids.

In the hospital I soaked up her blue eyes and occasional smile as I couldn’t hide from my thoughts: what I would life be if she weren’t here? When you're in the hospital and bone scans and MRI's start being mentioned you can't help but ask yourself 'what if it is something really bad... and in our future we have to watch her die?' I then thought of other parents who were in the very same hospital just floors away from me who were actually doing just that with their own kids. It's so unfair when kids are hurt. It's a fear and terror like no other I could truly imagine, and of course I have had and probably will continue to have those thoughts and moments with each and every one of my kids. Several years ago I had to stop reading a book where a child was abducted and killed because it was too disgusting and horrible for me to even read in fiction. Even worse the blue eyed child in the story reminded me so much of Penelope that I sobbed and sobbed before finally putting the book down forever without finishing it. I'm a total basket case about things like that and totally avoid it in any form real or not.

No matter how stressful things are day to day I feel we live with a lot of gratitude, I try to pass on that thankful spirit to my kids as we really strive to see the bright side. I feel like the last few months have been really trying and stressful but I'm so thankful our family works together to make the best of it all. I hope the children learn to deal with life as it comes and to keep trying and remembering that this too shall pass. Ricky and I smile and laugh through tough times, we break up a lot of kid fights and live through a lot of toddler meltdowns, we wade through work, home repairs, chores and money problems. We sigh a lot and we hold our head from the stress, we tell each other it's going to be okay... and we have each other. We all have each other. I really try not to get too caught up in the stress because as long as we all have each other things are good.  

Penelope before she turned 6

 No one ever says 'I wish I hadn't spent so much time with my kids'
There are many things that I'll never regret that are time consuming and self-sacrificing. Co-sleeping is one of those things. Beyond just typical co-sleeping though we also lay with whatever child, at whatever age, for however long, to get them to sleep. For example Penelope is six years old and I still lay with her every night to get her to sleep. Usually we let her fall asleep in our cozy bed. Sometimes this is really time consuming, sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I think it's ridiculous because I need to get something done and she needs me at bedtime. Most of the time, however, I find it calming, soothing, bonding, quiet time. Someday she won't be my little girl, she'll be big. She won't cuddle or need me as often, and one day I'll never lay with her at bedtime again.  Sometimes we are tired and heads hit pillows and eyes close quickly; more often though she winds down by telling me about some thoughts, fears or dreams. Sometimes she tells me about something that happened that day and I get to really hear her speak and I often find myself loving her excitement and voice. It's usually during bedtime that I get to find out even more about who she is and how she feels about things. I get to hear her imagination churn on about things without being distracted by daytime sounds or other kids. She tells me about interactions with her siblings, too. Once she repeatedly reminded me to talk to Layla about something that hurt her feelings. We kept forgetting during the next day to talk to Layla, but at night she'd remember and talk about it with me. She tells me sweet things too. She'll tell me she likes that I am spending more time with her during the day (I cut out internet time and deleted my Facebook two months ago). That touched me so much that she told me that! Tonight she told me that she couldn't wait until she could run again (she's on limited movement for illness). I realize as I write this it's not always what she says but how she says it. She's just so sweet. She rubs my arm sometimes while she falls asleep. I think about how safe and warm she must feel. I think about how I slow down and take the time to enjoy my kids -not just my babies- and I so enjoy our quiet bedtime routine together. Ricky and I had a chuckle the other day over her telling me during quiet bedtime talks that she doesn't like it when daddy is on a business trips but kinda does like it because she gets to sleep with me all night long. :)

Update on the illness: Penelope's health continues to improve. She still has a cough, but she is on the mend. We had a couple more days of concern, swollen neck lymph node, fevers at night that went away and a little uncertainty about if we should get a chest x-ray. She is doing great and we are very confident now she's healing. We continue to keep her close to us, hydrated and on somewhat limited activity. She was skipping around the house after three days being home from the hospital. We had to keep reminding her to rest, rest, REST!!