I can't seem to get everything written that I want to, not
even close, not even a little bit.
Days are filled with laughter and
craziness. Days are filled with hilarious children and also screaming children.
Days are filled with fun and also hard work. Days are filled with stress and
also peace. Days are filled with boredom and excitement, laundry, and an
army of hungry kids. Days and nights are filled with nursing a hungry, sweet, bright eyed baby. (I'm in total awe of her and I smell and kiss her all of the time. It's as if I've never had a baby before. I just look at her totally amazed she came from *us.*) Days are filled with temper tantrums --both mine and the kids'. Days are filled
with appreciation for many blessings, and days are filled with too much to do.
I wish I could remember all of the things I wanted to write
over this past week...or three. But I at least remember laughter and silliness, I remember hilarious kids, I remember
family time, I remember Penelope's excitement and fabulous joy as she
discovered she can touch the pool bottom now --and swim without floaties. I
remember a lot of love and friendship between family. I remember thinking to
myself...it's always been this way in my life, whether I knew it at the time or
not. What a blessing.
I remember wanting to write about the simple lovely images I
tried hard to burn into my mind last week... my grandma cutting watermelon, my
aunt who made cupcakes for the kids to decorate, the kids playing games, the
refreshing swimming pool, Aunt Sharon cooking up a storm, Aunt Holly's wit,
good company and helpfulness, Echo's helpful and friendly presence. We look
forward to July every year. I want to hold onto those memories because the years seem to roll on too fast and it scares me.
As I watched the kids playing and visiting
with family I looked on and carefully listened as our aunts, uncles, and grandma talked
and played with the kids. Even the youngest ones are allowed to help cook and
water plants when they ask. I notice they bring the kids along to feed the
hummingbirds or let them have the hose to water plants and many other things.
The children are included so much in everything we all do. It was this moment I
realized that I was destined to be a good mother, I didn't know it at age 7 or 12 or 16 ... but I was destined to be a loving
person, and I was destined to be happy. I believe it is because of my family. When children
are shown love and joy they carry it with them.
Including the youngest kids in the simplest things, talking to them, and
spending time with them teaches an important lesson: be kind to children. I
notice that when I'm stressed, short tempered, or angry at the younger kids in
our household the older kids act that way to them too. When I'm calm,
respectful, patient and sensitive to them and I treat them like the innocent
small human beings that they are the older kids act the same.
I watch the whole cycle start again as Charlotte (16)
patiently takes Everett (2) with her to gather eggs and feed the chickens. My
Aunt Sharon used to take me to feed my Grandma's chickens at that age.
Charlotte lets Penelope 'be on her team to play 'big kid games' even though it
takes longer and Penelope might make “wrong” choices. Penelope feels special
and has so much fun. Sage and Ethan also include the younger kids in far more
things and are far more patient than I could have imagined.
I vividly remember being on grown up 'teams' when I was young, even when the
game didn't require teams. It's one of the nicest and inclusive things you can
do for a child; make them feel important and equal and 'big.' I didn't tell her
to include Penelope, she just did. It's just what you do in a family: include,
love, enjoy. I'm lucky to have had a long line of nurturing family members with various talents, interests, hobbies...all with a wild and wacky sense of humor and love of children.
Then I look at my husband: patient and nurturing, kind and
honest. He's hardworking, humble and unselfish. Just like his parents.
As I wrote this blog post this fascinating article came across my desk "Grandma's Experiences Leave a Mark on Your Genes"
I'll be sharing it with my children. We tell them all the time how various things we do can help or hurt babies and kids.
According to the new insights of behavioral epigenetics, traumatic
experiences in our past, or in our recent ancestors’ past, leave
molecular scars adhering to our DNA. Jews whose great-grandparents were
chased from their Russian shtetls; Chinese whose grandparents lived
through the ravages of the Cultural Revolution; young immigrants from
Africa whose parents survived massacres; adults of every ethnicity who
grew up with alcoholic or abusive parents — all carry with them more
than just memories.
"...our experiences, and those of our forebears, are never
gone, even if they have been forgotten. They become a part of us, a
molecular residue holding fast to our genetic scaffolding. The DNA
remains the same, but psychological and behavioral tendencies are
inherited. You might have inherited not just your grandmother’s knobby
knees, but also her predisposition toward depression caused by the
neglect she suffered as a newborn.
Or not. If your grandmother was adopted by nurturing
parents, you might be enjoying the boost she received thanks to their
love and support. The mechanisms of behavioral epigenetics underlie not
only deficits and weaknesses but strengths and resiliencies, too."
I've long known that
excessive crying is not good for babies.
Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents
in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone
cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances
inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth,
and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16
Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this
finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain
stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the
portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are
neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the
child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child
will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in
life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other
stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times.
Science tells us that when babies cry alone and unattended, they
experience panic and anxiety. Their bodies and brains are flooded with
adrenaline and cortisol stress hormones. Science has also found that
when developing brain tissue is exposed to these hormones for prolonged
periods these nerves won’t form connections to other nerves and will
degenerate. Is it therefore possible that infants who endure many
nights or weeks of crying-it-out alone are actually suffering harmful
neurologic effects that may have permanent implications on the
development of sections of their brain? Here is how science answers
this alarming question:
Chemical and hormonal imbalances in the brain
Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents
in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone
cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances
inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth,
and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16
Researchers at Yale University and Harvard Medical School found
that intense stress early in life can alter the brain’s neurotransmitter
systems and cause structural and functional changes in regions of the
brain similar to those seen in adults with depression. 17
One study showed infants who experienced persistent crying
episodes were 10 times more likely to have ADHD as a child, along with
poor school performance and antisocial behavior. The researchers
concluded these findings may be due to the lack of responsive attitude
of the parents toward their babies. 14.
Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this
finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain
stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the
portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are
neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the
child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child
will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in
life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other
stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times. 6
Dr. Allan Schore of the UCLA School of Medicine has demonstrated
that the stress hormone cortisol (which floods the brain during intense
crying and other stressful events) actually destroys nerve connections
in critical portions of an infant’s developing brain. In addition, when
the portions of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional
control are not stimulated during infancy (as may occur when a baby is
repeatedly neglected) these sections of the brain will not develop. The
result – a violent, impulsive, emotionally unattached child. He
concludes that the sensitivity and responsiveness of a parent stimulates
and shapes the nerve connections in key sections of the brain
responsible for attachment and emotional well-being. 7, 8
Decreased intellectual, emotional, and social development
Infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research
findings at an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, concluding that
“the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual
development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her
baby.”
Researchers have found babies whose cries are usually ignored will not develop healthy intellectual and social skills. 19
Dr. Rao and colleagues at the National Institutes of Health
showed that infants with prolonged crying (but not due to colic) in the
first 3 months of life had an average IQ 9 points lower at 5 years of
age. They also showed poor fine motor development. (2)
Researchers at Pennsylvania State and Arizona State Universities
found that infants with excessive crying during the early months showed
more difficulty controlling their emotions and became even fussier when
parents tried to consol them at 10 months. 15
Other research has shown that these babies have a more annoying
quality to their cry, are more clingy during the day, and take longer to
become independent as children 1.
Harmful physiologic changes
Animal and human research has shown when separated from parents, infants
and children show unstable temperatures, heart arrhythmias, and
decreased REM sleep (the stage of sleep that promotes brain
development). 10 12, 13
Dr. Brazy at Duke University and Ludington-Hoe and colleagues at
Case Western University showed in 2 separate studies how prolonged
crying in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates
stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and
decreases oxygenation to the brain. They concluded that caregivers
should answer cries swiftly, consistently, and comprehensively. (3)
and (4)
- P. Heron, “Non-Reactive Cosleeping and Child Behavior: Getting a
Good Night’s Sleep All Night, Every Night,” Master’s thesis, Department
of Psychology, University of Bristol, 1994.
- M R Rao, et al; Long Term Cognitive Development in Children
with Prolonged Crying, National Institutes of Health, Archives of
Disease in Childhood 2004; 89:989-992.
- J pediatrics 1988 Brazy, J E. Mar 112 (3): 457-61. Duke University
- Ludington-Hoe SM, Case Western U, Neonatal Network 2002 Mar; 21(2): 29-36
- Butler, S R, et al. Maternal Behavior as a Regulator of
Polyamine Biosynthesis in Brain and Heart of Developing Rat Pups.
Science 1978, 199:445-447.
- Perry, B. (1997), “Incubated in Terror: Neurodevelopmental
Factors in the Cycle of Violence,” Children in a Violent Society,
Guilford Press, New York.
- Schore, A.N. (1996), “The Experience-Dependent Maturation of a
Regulatory System in the Orbital Prefrontal Cortex and the Origen of
Developmental Psychopathology,” Development and Psychopathology 8: 59 –
87.
- Karr-Morse, R, Wiley, M. Interview With Dr. Allan Schore, Ghosts From the Nursery, 1997, pg 200.
- Kuhn, C M, et al. Selective Depression of Serum Growth
Hormone During Maternal Deprivation in Rat Pups. Science 1978,
201:1035-1036.
- Hollenbeck, A R, et al. Children with Serious Illness:
Behavioral Correlates of Separation and Solution. Child Psychiatry and
Human Development 1980, 11:3-11.
- Coe, C L, et al. Endocrine and Immune Responses to Separation
and Maternal Loss in Non-Human Primates. The Psychology of Attachment
and Separation, ed. M Reite and T Fields, 1985. Pg. 163-199. New York:
Academic Press.
- Rosenblum and Moltz, The Mother-Infant Interaction as a
Regulator of Infant Physiology and Behavior. In Symbiosis in
Parent-Offspring Interactions, New York: Plenum, 1983.
- Hofer, M and H. Shair, Control of Sleep-Wake States in the
Infant Rat by Features of the Mother-Infant Relationship. Developmental
Psychobiology, 1982, 15:229-243.
- Wolke, D, et al, Persistent Infant Crying and Hyperactivity Problems in Middle Childhood, Pediatrics, 2002; 109:1054-1060.
- Stifter and Spinrad, The Effect of Excessive Crying on the Development of Emotion Regulation, Infancy, 2002; 3(2), 133-152.
- Ahnert L, et al, Transition to Child Care: Associations with
Infant-mother Attachment, Infant Negative Emotion, and Cortisol
Elevations, Child Development, 2004, May-June; 75(3):649-650.
- Kaufman J, Charney D. Effects of Early Stress on Brain
Structure and Function: Implications for Understanding the Relationship
Between Child Maltreatment and Depression, Developmental
Psychopathology, 2001 Summer; 13(3):451-471.
- Teicher MH et al, The Neurobiological Consequences of Early
Stress and Childhood Maltreatment, Neuroscience Biobehavior Review 2003,
Jan-Mar; 27(1-2):33-44.
- Leiberman, A. F., & Zeanah, H., Disorders of Attachment in Infancy, Infant Psychiatry 1995, 4:571-587.
