I read this: Don't Shame Children In Pursuit Of Discipline
And it's really, really good.
And then a couple days later I read this: Why Aren’t We Rude to Grown-ups the
Way We Are Rude to Kids? And it's really great.
Not terribly long ago I watched
this: Violence - a family tradition: Robbyn Peters Bennett and
it changed my life.
If you are a parent or ever deal with kids on any level I strongly recommend reading/ watching the above links. They are not that long. As a mother of eight, my oldest 17, all of those links spoke volumes to me.
The last link, a TEDx talk video,
brought about full circle change in me that I had been working towards for
years. It literally drained every ounce of leftover
anger/frustration/impatience towards children from my body. This one video
after 17 years of parenting: something REALLY just clicked. I thought I
understood so many things about child development, but this really refined my
understanding of what spanking really does to kids. The term I learned in this
video is self-regulation. I apply it to everything my kids do now. (Too much
television/screen time can harm children’s ability to self-regulate too, so I’m
familiar with this concept).
Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate! It's my favorite word. I "get" that word! I am constantly working on helping my children self-regulate now. It's my parenting mantra.
I write about toddler and preschool
challenges as a parent, particularly I've written about Sebastian because he
has been the most anger filled, hard to manage, stubborn kid we've ever had.
(Sage being a close second) Sebastian screams when embarrassed or upset, he hides, he thrashes, he's strong and proud, and
chock full of some kind of Superman-toddler-preschool testosterone levels. Layla
is the other child I've written about in detail: stubborn, moody, gloomy, and a master at debate.
I have not written much about
Everett but the child is a nut. I need to write what he's up to for his (and
our) amusement later in life. His name means wild boar; and my God is he ever. He's fearless, too.
I cannot change these children's personalities, they belong to them, but I can do my best to not beat them down literally or figuratively over their own personalities. I've noticed as parents we want to curb bad behavior so that we don't have "bad" kids, and that works to a certain extent, manners for example are important. But when the problem goes beyond just behavior and good manners and these kids actually have difficult personalities it's a game changer. You can't change someone's personality, it's imprinted into them. People can change themselves, but we can do very little to literally change another person.
As parents most
of us barely remember what it was truly like to be a kid, and
over the years of parenting (observing myself and others) I have come to the
conclusion that we have to try harder --and that the trying harder thing most
likely never ends.
Every day, every month, every
year I try hard in different ways and for different reasons. I try hard
to do better and in the process I find better ways to talk to the kids,
teach the kids, and discipline the kids without punishing or shaming them. I
was not always this way; I've learned there is a better way though.
The ONE thing I must remind myself so very often not to do is to NOT shame them, talk harshly, or judge them --even in small ways. I try to let the kids be the people they are instead of attempting to make my life easier and rush them into the people they will be one day. Ricky's really good at it. The man is gifted with so much patience it makes me drop my jaw. I have to work on it. My mood changes often, and as a fiery Aries personality my frustration and patient levels fluctuate too. My mouth is also quick to fly open; sometimes even when I'm trying hard to be patient and/or kind with the kids I'm actually being super condescending.
What has helped immensely is that I've come to realize that the stages children go through as they grow are important and purposeful. I realize that while it's interesting and easy to watch and marvel at a six month old going from sitting to crawling to standing --very important developmental milestones mind you, it's so much harder and less cute to watch kids go through some other stages. Like forgetting to brush their teeth, or forgetting putting a liner in the trash after they take it out. It's hard dealing with kids' mood swings. But, kids and teens have mood swings just like adults do! It's not cute when kids and teens juggle responsibility poorly and seem forgetful or unfocused. It's hard when toddlers: break stuff, spill things, have mood swings, have melt downs, and make bad decisions, but it's even harder when a 10, 13, 16 year old does those same things. However, it's all stuff even grown-ups do on some level or another (and learn a lot from too). It's part of human development. I get too caught up in my own life to realize it sometimes though.
The ONE thing I must remind myself so very often not to do is to NOT shame them, talk harshly, or judge them --even in small ways. I try to let the kids be the people they are instead of attempting to make my life easier and rush them into the people they will be one day. Ricky's really good at it. The man is gifted with so much patience it makes me drop my jaw. I have to work on it. My mood changes often, and as a fiery Aries personality my frustration and patient levels fluctuate too. My mouth is also quick to fly open; sometimes even when I'm trying hard to be patient and/or kind with the kids I'm actually being super condescending.
What has helped immensely is that I've come to realize that the stages children go through as they grow are important and purposeful. I realize that while it's interesting and easy to watch and marvel at a six month old going from sitting to crawling to standing --very important developmental milestones mind you, it's so much harder and less cute to watch kids go through some other stages. Like forgetting to brush their teeth, or forgetting putting a liner in the trash after they take it out. It's hard dealing with kids' mood swings. But, kids and teens have mood swings just like adults do! It's not cute when kids and teens juggle responsibility poorly and seem forgetful or unfocused. It's hard when toddlers: break stuff, spill things, have mood swings, have melt downs, and make bad decisions, but it's even harder when a 10, 13, 16 year old does those same things. However, it's all stuff even grown-ups do on some level or another (and learn a lot from too). It's part of human development. I get too caught up in my own life to realize it sometimes though.
The human brain isn't fully mature
until 25 years old. Learning this several years ago changed the way I parented, but it continues to change the way I parent. I realized that I had done tons of
research on what newborns, babies, toddlers and preschoolers needed, but not
adolescents and teens. I hope I'm becoming a better mom every day to my teens.
(When they read this 10 or 15 years from now I hope they see that I really am
trying to be a good mom to them too, I love them with the intensity that I love
the babies.)
Feature links:
A funny thing is happening now that we have teens: we have
to be more accountable for our parenting. Mutual respect is always important in
any relationship (parents rarely realize this) but now respect is more
important than ever. If I want to achieve a healthy relationship with my teens I
have to nourish a healthy non-violent relationship with them. (Remember violence can be emotional or verbal in nature not just physical.) Why do I have to be more aware of what I'm saying or how I'm saying it to my older kids? Well, because they aren't
little anymore. They have: higher thought processes, better vocabulary, and
more refined personality traits. They have a more refined desire to stand up
for themselves, and more hormones too. This makes me wonder how many times they
would have stood up for themselves if they could have when they were younger.
When they were young they wouldn't resent me long if I yelled or acted poorly or
judged them harshly (or spanked them!) -but they are sure as heck more likely to now.
In hindsight it's sad to think about my young children without a voice just because I'm bigger, meaner, and stronger than them. Funny... I chuckle typing that though because our four littlest kids say 'no' to us plenty right now. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying to listen to what they are saying though, instead of just reacting to them. It seems like a lot of people don't understand the give and take, patience, sacrifice, and commitment of relationships. I know there was a time when I most definitely did not. It's not modeled to us very much. I view our society as pretty self-centered.
I'm amazed at the things I learn when I listen to my kids, really listen, instead of react. Sometimes kids do things and they don't even know why. The other day Sebastian snapped part of a Styrofoam cooler lid in half. I looked at him and he looked at me... I wanted to ask him why the 'F' he'd do such a thing. But I didn't have to ask. He's five. I looked at him blankly as the realization of what he did spread across his face. The impulse to test the lid was too great to control at that moment, but once it snapped and the impulse was fulfilled the reality set in. Everett does things like that too, except with him (a three year old) he doesn't have the high thought process of 'Mom and Dad needed this." It's more of a 'that was cool I'm totally going to do it 50 more times and defend my actions by yelling at you (or crying) when you take my fun away.'
In hindsight it's sad to think about my young children without a voice just because I'm bigger, meaner, and stronger than them. Funny... I chuckle typing that though because our four littlest kids say 'no' to us plenty right now. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying to listen to what they are saying though, instead of just reacting to them. It seems like a lot of people don't understand the give and take, patience, sacrifice, and commitment of relationships. I know there was a time when I most definitely did not. It's not modeled to us very much. I view our society as pretty self-centered.
I'm amazed at the things I learn when I listen to my kids, really listen, instead of react. Sometimes kids do things and they don't even know why. The other day Sebastian snapped part of a Styrofoam cooler lid in half. I looked at him and he looked at me... I wanted to ask him why the 'F' he'd do such a thing. But I didn't have to ask. He's five. I looked at him blankly as the realization of what he did spread across his face. The impulse to test the lid was too great to control at that moment, but once it snapped and the impulse was fulfilled the reality set in. Everett does things like that too, except with him (a three year old) he doesn't have the high thought process of 'Mom and Dad needed this." It's more of a 'that was cool I'm totally going to do it 50 more times and defend my actions by yelling at you (or crying) when you take my fun away.'
Layla
Layla, age 9, and I have had intense power struggles (we
always have) and at my husband’s suggestion I stopped engaging in them. Oh I
tried in bits and pieces here and there to stop engaging in them a long time ago, but I completely
stopped engaging in them more recently. I retrained my reactions to soften and I told myself
to stop taking everything so dang personal. This was serious now, I had to act
like an in control grown up, and actually act like the person I wanted her to
be. If I couldn’t control my frustrations how could I expect her to learn too control hers? Explaining
my hurt feelings and talking without reacting got my point across so much
better than reacting in anger or frustration. Sometimes it seemed to fall on deaf ears though. My husband says her and I are SO
much alike we crash heads in anger and want to tear each other apart. (She and
I are both fire signs!)
I learned, or rather forced myself, to talk to her and explain my side of things without expecting anything in return. This is an exercise in being very unselfish. So many times in relationships we do things with selfish intentions but so often we don't even realize it. I ask myself when I apologize to my spouse or child for a wrong doing: Am I apologizing because I want to make them feel better? Or, do I want to make myself feel better? So they can utter the word 'it's ok' therefore freeing me from my guilt or bad feelings? I have to think about this and be aware of this, and by being aware of that I have become a vastly more compassionate and unselfish person.
I learned, or rather forced myself, to talk to her and explain my side of things without expecting anything in return. This is an exercise in being very unselfish. So many times in relationships we do things with selfish intentions but so often we don't even realize it. I ask myself when I apologize to my spouse or child for a wrong doing: Am I apologizing because I want to make them feel better? Or, do I want to make myself feel better? So they can utter the word 'it's ok' therefore freeing me from my guilt or bad feelings? I have to think about this and be aware of this, and by being aware of that I have become a vastly more compassionate and unselfish person.
Back to Layla: I started having no expectations when I shared
my feelings with her. She needs to hear what I have to say and then do with it
what she wishes. And things have gotten better. The amount of time she stays
angry has lessened. I also noticed when I don't act condescending to her she is
a whole different person towards me. Hum…respect is given when it's earned?
Interesting concept, eh? I just happened to have a kid that demanded more of it
than usual. I’m humbled.
If you are still with me here and
reading this blog post I'm guessing it's because you are looking to be a
better caregiver to kids and probably the topics in the title
interest you. So go watch and read those links at the top. They are simply
fascinating. If you only click one thing watch the video. It changed my whole life and it's just amazing. It's a wake up call. Parenting: we're doing it wrong.
