When Babies Wean and Re-purposing an Ottoman

A New Bed for Beatrice

Beatrice was waking more and more at night as her co-sleeper got smaller and smaller for her growing baby self. I had a great idea suddenly. I re-purposed a large unused ottoman of ours that had storage inside of it and made it into a toddler bed! Beatrice got the bottom part and Everett the plush top part.

I feel like a genius, a free and cute bed! I lined it with lots of blankets for now but we could add a memory foam mattress pad later if needed. They LOVE their new beds in our room. Beatrice plays in her bed with her baby dolls and looks at books periodically during the day. It's SO cute! She is sleeping really well in her bed once we rock her to sleep in the evening. She has recently weaned (at 25ish months old). Gone so quickly are the care-free easy days of nursing to sleep...for both of us. I had been sadly counting down until I was to hit 20 weeks pregnant...because of nursing.  She was already nursing less and less naturally, but around 20 weeks pregnant seems the magic number my body tends to halt milk production altogether. She was on her way towards self-weaning and this of course progressed it. Some of my babies will keep on nursing through the milk decline and others stop completely. Both are hard life changing situations. If you have ever 'dry' nursed you know it's pretty awful and you start to go through a natural stage I call the mama cat stage... where you just don't want them nursing on you anymore. It's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. Mama cats (and other mammals but mama cats I've watched) bite their young, growl, or walk away from their young when they don't want to nurse them anymore. I know the feeling! It's a very primal reaction and I am always so surprised how it feels. It's also so sad! She's my sweet baby! I don't want to growl at her! But that is what happens. I actually have made growling or frustrated sounds and felt like a mama cat wanting to get away. It's happened with the other kids too. My body just gets done, but my mind wishes it wasn't the end already. It's natural.

Weaning has been hard on her but not super hard. She mostly weaned herself thank goodness. But it's still a hard and different thing and a huge change for us both. Before things went totally dry she had gradually cut out all nursing except once at nap time, bed time, and sometimes at 4am. Once milk dried up she further cut out enough sessions that she eventually "forgot" how to nurse. This is natural and normal progression of weaning. She no longer sucks correctly which makes nursing super horrible and irritating for me and a bit confusing for her. She knows it was comfort and food. She knows it was warmth and love. She just doesn't understand why it's not the same. After a couple of minutes of awkward nursing she will usually ask for milk from the kitchen. If she doesn't stop on her own I have to make her stop nursing. Sometimes she willingly stops when I ask her to and other times she cries a little or a lot. Overall she has been my easiest to actually help wean. I had other babies hang on to the prospect of nursing, dry nurse, and cry and cry over the change. (Some started nursing again after a new baby came which was pretty sweet actually -though not without a new set of challenges.) Sebastian and Sage technically win the easiest and fastest weaning awards. They both just abruptly stopped one day and never wanted back on again. Not even out of comfort, habit, or when sick or hurt. Just pretty much like 'Thanks mom, nice to know ya! Bye now!" Interesting enough to later learn their personalities are VERY similar even now! (They are seven years apart in age.)

Starting about a month ago I became really grouchy, moody, tired, and felt so off. I was snappy at the kids and that is a huge red flag for me. Not just the normal stressed mom occasional snappy spell either... I mean it felt more like I was going to snap every 20 minutes and the kids seemed irritating/annoying to me over normal stuff. I was way less patient and dreading every day for a while. It's a "red flag" because I have learned that feeling that way often means my thyroid is under active. Also I felt depressy. Not fully depressed, but just kinda depressed and down. I take Armour thyroid so I had my blood drawn to check out my levels/dosage. The tests came back fine for the dosage I'm on. I later finally realized her big weaning transition coincided with this grouchy, moody, tired, "off" phase I was having. See: Sadness and Depression during (and after) Weaning at Kellymom.

Very interesting isn't it!?

I am feeling better now and Beatrice is too. She was also super cranky around the same time that I was. She of course wanted me to hold her a lot and I did. I told everyone in our house why she was cranky and that she needed extra love and patience but I didn't realize I needed that too! The acceptance period has now set in for the both of us. Her and I are finding new ways to snuggle and cuddle and we are learning new ways to soothe her when she is tired, hurt or upset. For a solid two years nursing was the cure-all for everything. Nursing is such a easy fix. It is amazing how fast nursing can solve problems. Tired, cranky, hungry, teething, hurt...it's the most magical thing. And now I have to pace the floor with her and actually get out of bed if she wakes up at 2 or 4 am. (So much more work ;) Overall though she is doing so great.

I don't feel sad, but if I think about how fast it went I can get sad real quick. She was such a fun, sweet nursing baby. She still is sweet and fun and my "baby." Look at her though: weaning, out of diapers, has a new bed, talking SO much, and has a new baby sister or brother on the way!

It's also quite natural that around this time I get a bit bummed that "I'm throwing her out of the nest." I started having the feelings that she is the baby and I want her to stay the baby.  True she won't be the youngest, but she's just two! She has not over welcomed her baby stay. She is still very much my baby. But, whether I like it or not she is growing up and is a big girl older baby now. A lot of women have guilt, sorrow, and fear about having another baby and "replacing" their baby with a fresher, newer model. Since I have done this many times this is what I have to say about that: Feel sad, afraid, overwhelmed, feel whatever you are feeling and just know those feelings will melt away and they are normal. Everything will be okay and you will love both babies the same and cuddle with them together and hold them together... and do motherful things you never thought physically or mentally possible with them. It is truly amazing what mothers do.

Beatrice has weaned completely since I started writing this post off and on for over a month. She is now falling asleep on the floor every night near us while we get the other kids ready for bed or while I read books to her. I move her into her own bed after she falls asleep and she sleeps all night! I am SO lucky! Not all babies/toddlers are this easy so quickly. I can't believe how many sleepless nights of toddler waking and weaning hardships I've had in the past years with other babies. I so deserve this break! Every child is different and their needs and personalities are too. I am enjoying sleeping ALL night long (most nights anyway) while it lasts!

Sebastian...the boy behind the fits

Two weeks ago Sebastian (5) said, "When I'm a grown up I will still live here because Everett will still need me to take care of him."

How totally precious.

 The other day I saw Everett in our tulip tree out front (the kid climbs up anything). Sebastian stepped under him and said, "I'll catch you!" Everett fell and they both hit the ground flat. Thank goodness they were both laughing and neither one was hurt. It was funny. Like a floppy Grover falling on top of another floppy Grover. Now Everett runs under Penelope and Sebastian when they are on the playground out back and says "I catch you!" He's dangerously copying exactly the brotherly love Sebastian showed him.
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Tonight Sebastian had a monster size meltdown after we summoned him inside and took his stick away for the night. It was after he was yelling, being mean and repeated physical hurting/grabbing of people. At first it seemed like we might avoid a big fit but I think I may have exasperated the situation by making a point that I was taking his stick away too. Saying that he had to come in for the night and it was time for him to leave his stick outside (something we do each night anyway) would have been a gentler approach than me saying he had to come inside for the night AND I was taking his stick away too. Subtle difference but the way I made him feel powerless was huge to him. It showed too because he came back with the classic I can do whatever I want line. That totally translates to 'I'm my own person and I don't want to be controlled by you.'

So he yelled and cried for his stick for 15 minutes. I finally calmed him down by cleaning up his room and making jokes about stuff and making small talk with mostly myself. Soon he started up a conversation with me. This isn't always this easy (and 15 minutes is easy with him, he can go on in self-pity, anger, and feeling sad for a A LONG time) but sometimes it is easy. Once he perked up we finished cleaning his room together and then made some popcorn for everyone. Bath time and tooth brushing went smoothly and he was all smiles. I pulled down his covers and he said to me, "Even when I'm a grown up I'll still live here, did you know that?" I said, "Really!? That's cool!" He said, "Yup, I will live here so I can still help out."

I'm sitting here wanting to put into words what hearing that means to me. Since we are so "unfair" and so "mean." Since we aren't the bosses and since we can't tell him what to do, and since he told me last week that he could go run away into the woods if he wants to. To hear he wants to stay, to hear his ideas on why he'll live here when he's a grown up --that he wants to be a part of our family and that he clearly sees value in who he is in the family... it's priceless. He knows he helps, he knows he's loved and wanted. He knows his little brother Everett looks up to him. Penelope is friends with him. The older kids are helpers and buddies to him. His mom and dad feed, clothe, and love him. He is really blinded by it all when he's angry and frustrated, but when he's clear headed and being himself he's our happy, talkative, helpful, and vibrant Sebastian of the family. We wouldn't be the same without him. He's got a tough personality. I love him right through it.

Sebastian when he was three, he has not changed much. He's still an ol' scurvy dog!

What will we imprint on our kids today?

We all too easily forget that everything imprints upon kids in some way.
We all live our lives going through the motions of life as it happens and even though we are aware of imprinting we also forget. And life unfolds, and things happen, and kids pick up the good and the bad.

Like all parents I have those mouth drop moments when my kid says something that I never thought they would... those "I taught you better!" moments. Except sometimes I sadly realize I didn't teach them better. And that's what totally happened yesterday.

We were at the Y swimming when an older lady entered the small pool area we were in. Sebastian in very low voice (I know she did not hear him THANK you God) said, "Oh no, here comes an old person." I scowled at him and reprimanded him. I asked why he'd say such a thing or where he would have heard such a thing. And here it came... like a slap to the face, or a bucket of cold water dumped over my head waking me up, "You mom, you say 'oh no an old person' when you are driving."

Crap. I have said that. :(

I tried explaining to him that I like older people though, and I usually don't care if an old person pulls in front of me while I'm driving, but sometimes we are running late, like for example to the dentist, and that's when I say it. I told him all kinds of people drive slower than the speed limit and I should not have just picked on old people. I tried explaining that we should value all people and that I'm glad the lady, who looks like a very nice lady,  is using the pool to exercise. Unfortunately I realized in my explaining that he was not going to understand me very well at that moment sitting on the edge of the pool on a Monday afternoon. I just need to do better. I really try to not be negative or unkind and if I am negative I definitely try to be aware of how it might affect the kids and their behavior.  We don't even say "I hate ________" in our home. We encourage everybody in our home to use a better word than hate to express the displeasure of something.

This was an example of how quickly and innocently kids see the world through our eyes. They learn, absorb, and react to nearly everything. Imprinting. What a huge glaring responsibility we have as parents.

This is a great companion post to this post: Adults You Stop Bullying First

Adults: You STOP Bullying First

Dear Parents, caregivers of children, or future parents,

  This ranty letter isn't just about one kid... this is about all kids, but one kid inspired me to write it. An 11 year old tried to commit suicide by hanging himself and he is fighting for his life now. (Link at bottom of page)
He was being bullied at school. These types of stories are not few and far between. These kinds of stories are easy to find, easy to come across, and horrible to imagine. So are stories about sexual abuse among kids and teens -peers abusing each other. It happens more than anyone knows because parents are often too preoccupied to realize it. It happens more than it should because we let kids raise each other most of the week, especially from Jr. High on up.

 Childhood should be the most amazing, free, happy, transformational time of a child's life, instead it's often a constant race to survive. It's a time that many look back on with good memories...but most of us also have heartbreaking stories too. There are often various events, situations, and periods of time where we should have been protected or guided either from the bully or from being the bully.

 Socialization of children is a total joke...it's not healthy for kids to grow up with as much unsupervised alone time as they do -completely free to ridicule and treat each other however they want. Kids shouldn't be expected to know how to treat others if they aren't guided through it. Not only do they need supervision, but they need examples, and they need to be taught. We follow around three year old kids and teach them manners, basic life skills and hygiene, how to cut with scissors, and how to cross the street. We teach our four year old kids to share, how to clean up, and how to make a bowl of cereal. We teach these young tikes how to talk to adults and say thank you and to not throw fits or whine. We teach them to share and to be fair with their young friends; but soon, all too soon, we let these kids run off largely unsupervised to play with other children from families we don't even know... all in the name of "socialization." And we let them do it forever and we rarely look back. From kindergarten on many of us rarely see what kids do during the day when they are "socializing."

 Today I just wanted a type out a message to parents and the message is this: What you say affects kids. What they see, hear, and learn about... ALL types of communication you have with them and that they have with other people affects them. If you bash others, or simply just complain or harass others within earshot of children they learn it is okay to do it to other people...namely their peers. They learn communication and socialization first from you and second from others and television/radio. They learn it's funny to ridicule others. We all do it at some point, and the point of it is usually to selfishly put ourselves on a pedestal above all others. It eventually becomes a serious habit for most people. A habit most people don't even realize they have. I'm a really nice person who cares about other people, but even I realized a few years back I said things I shouldn't. I changed myself for my kids, because even though I wasn’t a mean person I still said some negative things that I wouldn’t want them to say. In our household we also quit saying the word hate. We have to find kinder and more descriptive ways and reasons for saying we dislike something or someone; we also often to try to match a positive with a negative. This humanizes people and broadens our view on things. Even politically I play fair and try to teach two sides to every opinion and that people have the right to theirs. I just feel like it makes kinder, better kids to do so.

 Please pay attention to what you say about people that like certain things. Pay attention to how you treat others. Pay attention when you say 'I hate this actor’s ugly hair', 'I hate this show', 'look at that fat person', or whatever other rude thing you hold a personal opinion or bias about. What you say and how you treat others becomes your child's world view.

 Please pay attention when you say someone looks like a slut, or they have a big nose, or they are "lazy" because they get government assistance. Pay attention when hateful words fly out of your mouth about politics. Pay really close attention to everything you say and imagine your child going up to another child and rattling off those same words.

Just pay attention.

 If you say something on purpose or accident at least have the common sense and decency to follow up your negativity with something positive like: 'Well at least variety makes things interesting, I might not like it but people have a right to be who they are." Or, "I shouldn't say that, they are people too, I will be nicer and not bully people with my opinions."

 Make new habits to NOT say things you wouldn't say to someone in person. Deep down most of us adults don't want to hurt other people; most of us do have a conscience when held accountable for our words and actions. We have to teach our kids right from wrong and that should come largely from our example.

 Our kids grow up in a world where it's funny to ridicule people: just watch TV and read celebrity news. Read anything on the internet (especially the comments on news stories or on Facebook).  You'll see just how disgusting and hateful people are. A woman posted pictures of herself surfing while pregnant and the outpouring of hate and people calling her an idiot was baffling. Another blogger posted what others thought of as too many 'selfies' and so she received hate mail and death threats, from adults! Bullying is rampant, it's bad, and it's hurting our society. People LOVE to hate, and honestly they feed on it... it's gross. It has become cool to hate on things. It has  become cool to spew on about how much people and things suck.

 Commercials, T.V., movies, radio, magazines, Internet memes...you can find hate and shame in those things daily. Our kids soak it all up and they learn to be judgmental and hateful through them, their peers, and us. We all enjoy a funny skit on Saturday Night Live from time to time, or edgy comic bit, or political meme poking fun. We all laugh at someone's expense sometimes. I'm saying to be aware of it. Ask yourself why you think it's funny to make fun of others. Ask yourself why you're laughing. Ask yourself what your child is watching.

Our kids are watching and listening more than anyone thinks.

 I just recently heard one of my kids mock something they didn't understand or even care to understand. It wasn't a big deal, it wasn't even hateful, but it was unkind and uncompassionate. I broke into an impassioned speech about being nice and kind and watching what we say and who we judge. What they mocked meant something to someone and I don't want them spreading unkindness or meanness to others. It's especially important because their younger brothers and sisters were listening to them. It was a perfect example of standing up for someone in front of my kids so that they would learn empathy. They understood when I was done, and of course hadn’t even realized they were being unkind or negative.

 So that's my message today: watch kids, guide kids, show them good examples, talk to them about bullying, ask them what kind of bullying they see and how it makes them feel, ask them if they bully. Express to your kids that we should be kind to others and stand up for others. Be the person you want your kids to be. Teach personal boundaries and sexual boundaries. Teach kids not to touch, assault, rape, harm, push, or speak badly to other people. Teach kids about cyber bullying, and monitor what they do online. Don’t just assume they will be good kids. Say the words to them. Tell them what you expect and ask them to talk to you about things they see on T.V. or from their peers. Start young and then show them by example.

 After all the effort I put into raising nice kids, many years ago one of my kids did bully someone. This was 9 years ago or so... and of course I was shocked, but I faced it head on and we talked about it in detail. Turns out they were mimicking something they saw in a PG movie geared towards kids, and they had just repeated/reenacted what they saw and they did it word for word.

Kids ARE WATCHING and learning from everything they see.

News Story:

11-yr-old Boy Bullied for Being A Brony Fighting for Life After Suicide Attempt; How You Can Help

Seven Months

 Seven months have passed like a flash of lightning. Baby Bee snuggles in-between us during the night; she has open, soft, relaxed hands until she's hungry and she grabs for me tightly as she nurses into another deep slumber. At sunrise she batts her long eyelashes at us and we're pretty stunned how fast it goes. Another newborn grown and gone... and now a little curious, wide eyed sweetheart blooms before our watchful eyes.

 I left the bed for a moment one early morning, leaving a large gap between her and her daddy. In under a minute she had scooted up against her daddy to find security. It was precious.

 Beatrice talks to all of her siblings when they enter the room. Her face lights up as she scans their familiar faces and she lets out a intentful wide mouthed "ahh-aah" sound as her arms flap like a baby bird. The kids all take the time to acknowledge her with their own brand of greetings and Baby Bee goes wild with happiness that her little tribe notices her. They always say hi to her, they always carry on about how cute she is. Watching her face light up and her brain make familiar connections as she learns we all live with her is one of many great joys we get from having her in our lives.
 Her personality is sweet and watchful, content but careful. She nods her head into my chest when she gets bashful. She sucks in her bottom lip when she's interested. She smiles when she's filled with joy. She squeaks and carries on when I walk by; she has a call for me and the squeaking gets louder and then sadder sounding the longer I take at responding. I usually am able to get her before she cries out, she's learned communication with me is working and I hear her. I love this little sweetie so much. It's such a blessing to get to do this all over again.

Kids: Punishment, Shame, and Spanking

I read this: Don't Shame Children In Pursuit Of Discipline

And it's really, really good. And then a couple days later I read this: Why Aren’t We Rude to Grown-ups the Way We Are Rude to Kids? And it's really great.

Not terribly long ago I watched this: Violence - a family tradition: Robbyn Peters Bennett and it changed my life.

If you are a parent or ever deal with kids on any level I strongly recommend reading/ watching the above links. They are not that long. As a mother of eight, my oldest 17, all of those links spoke volumes to me.

The last link, a TEDx talk video, brought about full circle change in me that I had been working towards for years. It literally drained every ounce of leftover anger/frustration/impatience towards children from my body. This one video after 17 years of parenting: something REALLY just clicked. I thought I understood so many things about child development, but this really refined my understanding of what spanking really does to kids. The term I learned in this video is self-regulation. I apply it to everything my kids do now. (Too much television/screen time can harm children’s ability to self-regulate too, so I’m familiar with this concept).

 Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate! It's my favorite word. I "get" that word! I am constantly working on helping my children self-regulate now. It's my parenting mantra.

 I write about toddler and preschool challenges as a parent, particularly I've written about Sebastian because he has been the most anger filled, hard to manage, stubborn kid we've ever had. (Sage being a close second) Sebastian screams when embarrassed or upset, he hides, he thrashes, he's strong and proud, and chock full of some kind of Superman-toddler-preschool testosterone levels. Layla is the other child I've written about in detail: stubborn, moody, gloomy, and a master at debate.

I have not written much about Everett but the child is a nut. I need to write what he's up to for his (and our) amusement later in life. His name means wild boar; and my God is he ever. He's fearless, too.

I cannot change these children's personalities, they belong to them, but I can do my best to not beat them down literally or figuratively over their own personalities. I've noticed as parents we want to curb bad behavior so that we don't have "bad" kids, and that works to a certain extent, manners for example are important. But when the problem goes beyond just behavior and good manners and these kids actually have difficult personalities it's a game changer. You can't change someone's personality, it's imprinted into them. People can change themselves, but we can do very little to literally change another person.

As parents most of us barely remember what it was truly like to be a kid, and over the years of parenting (observing myself and others) I have come to the conclusion that we have to try harder --and that the trying harder thing most likely never ends.

 Every day, every month, every year I try hard in different ways and for different reasons. I try hard to do better and in the process I find better ways to talk to the kids, teach the kids, and discipline the kids without punishing or shaming them. I was not always this way; I've learned there is a better way though.

 The ONE thing I must remind myself so very often not to do is to NOT shame them, talk harshly, or judge them --even in small ways. I try to let the kids be the people they are instead of attempting to make my life easier and rush them into the people they will be one day. Ricky's really good at it. The man is gifted with so much patience it makes me drop my jaw. I have to work on it. My mood changes often, and as a fiery Aries personality my frustration and patient levels fluctuate too. My mouth is also quick to fly open; sometimes even when I'm trying hard to be patient and/or kind with the kids I'm actually being super condescending.

What has helped immensely is that I've come to realize that the stages children go through as they grow are important and purposeful. I realize that while it's interesting and easy to watch and marvel at a six month old going from sitting to crawling to standing --very important developmental milestones mind you, it's so much harder and less cute to watch kids go through some other stages. Like forgetting to brush their teeth, or forgetting putting a liner in the trash after they take it out. It's hard dealing with kids' mood swings. But, kids and teens have mood swings just like adults do! It's not cute when kids and teens juggle responsibility poorly and seem forgetful or unfocused. It's hard when toddlers: break stuff, spill things, have mood swings, have melt downs, and make bad decisions, but it's even harder when a 10, 13, 16 year old does those same things. However, it's all stuff even grown-ups do on some level or another (and learn a lot from too). It's part of human development. I get too caught up in my own life to realize it sometimes though.

The human brain isn't fully mature until 25 years old. Learning this several years ago changed the way I parented, but it continues to change the way I parent. I realized that I had done tons of research on what newborns, babies, toddlers and preschoolers needed, but not adolescents and teens. I hope I'm becoming a better mom every day to my teens. (When they read this 10 or 15 years from now I hope they see that I really am trying to be a good mom to them too, I love them with the intensity that I love the babies.)

Feature links:

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain Part 1

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain, Part 2

A funny thing is happening now that we have teens: we have to be more accountable for our parenting. Mutual respect is always important in any relationship (parents rarely realize this) but now respect is more important than ever. If I want to achieve a healthy relationship with my teens I have to nourish a healthy non-violent relationship with them. (Remember violence can be emotional or verbal in nature not just physical.)  Why do I have to be more aware of what I'm saying or how I'm saying it to my older kids? Well, because they aren't little anymore. They have: higher thought processes, better vocabulary, and more refined personality traits. They have a more refined desire to stand up for themselves, and more hormones too. This makes me wonder how many times they would have stood up for themselves if they could have when they were younger. When they were young they wouldn't resent me long if I yelled or acted poorly or judged them harshly (or spanked them!) -but they are sure as heck more likely to now.

In hindsight it's sad to think about my young children without a voice just because I'm bigger, meaner, and stronger than them. Funny... I chuckle typing that though because our four littlest kids say 'no' to us plenty right now. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying to listen to what they are saying though, instead of just reacting to them.  It seems like a lot of people don't understand the give and take, patience, sacrifice, and commitment of relationships. I know there was a time when I most definitely did not. It's not modeled to us very much. I view our society as pretty self-centered.

I'm amazed at the things I learn when I listen to my kids, really listen, instead of react. Sometimes kids do things and they don't even know why. The other day Sebastian snapped part of a Styrofoam cooler lid in half. I looked at him and he looked at me... I wanted to ask him why the 'F' he'd do such a thing. But I didn't have to ask. He's five. I looked at him blankly as the realization of what he did spread across his face. The impulse to test the lid was too great to control at that moment, but once it snapped and the impulse was fulfilled the reality set in. Everett does things like that too, except with him (a three year old) he doesn't have the high thought process of 'Mom and Dad needed this." It's more of a 'that was cool I'm totally going to do it 50 more times and defend my actions by yelling at you (or crying) when you take my fun away.'

Layla

Layla, age 9, and I have had intense power struggles (we always have) and at my husband’s suggestion I stopped engaging in them. Oh I tried in bits and pieces here and there to stop engaging in them a long time ago, but I completely stopped engaging in them more recently. I retrained my reactions to soften and I told myself to stop taking everything so dang personal. This was serious now, I had to act like an in control grown up, and actually act like the person I wanted her to be. If I couldn’t control my frustrations how could I expect her to learn too control hers? Explaining my hurt feelings and talking without reacting got my point across so much better than reacting in anger or frustration. Sometimes it seemed to fall on deaf ears though. My husband says her and I are SO much alike we crash heads in anger and want to tear each other apart. (She and I are both fire signs!)

 I learned, or rather forced myself, to talk to her and explain my side of things without expecting anything in return. This is an exercise in being very unselfish. So many times in relationships we do things with selfish intentions but so often we don't even realize it. I ask myself when I apologize to my spouse or child for a wrong doing: Am I apologizing because I want to make them feel better? Or, do I want to make myself feel better? So they can utter the word 'it's ok' therefore freeing me from my guilt or bad feelings? I have to think about this and be aware of this, and by being aware of that I have become a vastly more compassionate and unselfish person.

Back to Layla: I started having no expectations when I shared my feelings with her. She needs to hear what I have to say and then do with it what she wishes. And things have gotten better. The amount of time she stays angry has lessened. I also noticed when I don't act condescending to her she is a whole different person towards me. Hum…respect is given when it's earned? Interesting concept, eh? I just happened to have a kid that demanded more of it than usual. I’m humbled.

If you are still with me here and reading this blog post I'm guessing it's because you are looking to be a better caregiver to kids and probably the topics in the title interest you. So go watch and read those links at the top. They are simply fascinating. If you only click one thing watch the video. It changed my whole life and it's just amazing. It's a wake up call. Parenting: we're doing it wrong.

11 Ways Your Child Loses When You Rush Him Through Life

This is a great list! See: 11 Ways Your Child Loses When You Rush Him Through Life  

 I have to constantly tell myself to slow down; especially after having so many kids I have realized that there was a time that I was more patient, and a time where I was less patient. And then a time I was more again... and then less again. It goes in cycles. I have to remind myself to not rush everyone. Their life is new and not passing them by. There are one thousand little ways I could/have/do rush my children.

 Having so many little people demanding so much from me and so many mouths to feed can be overwhelming. I actually use emotional recall at least once a week to remember the days when I had an abundance of patience and time to enjoy the little things. Then I take a step back and try to implement those things into our life. When Charlotte (now 17) was two we used to have picnics almost every day in a school bus pop up Play-Hut. If it was bad weather then we'd eat lunch, mostly together, inside.

 I would make a beautifully laid out lunch for us and take blankets and the bus outside and we'd look at the sky, sing songs, laugh, play... and simply just be. I taught her all kinds of things. Too be kind, to love, to not go into the road, anything I could think of to fill her growing brain with goodness. We did flashcards. We made pictures and put paint on our feet and walked on paper. Back then there were a million hours in the day.

 During holiday time we'd paint the front windows of the house with the holiday theme. On hot days we'd play in the sprinkler. We'd use sidewalk chalk all the time, we had pet mice, we danced like fairies under a 30 year old willow tree as the thin branches full of wispy leaves brushed our faces. Multiple children are amazing... but that one where you do everything for the first time is a moment frozen in time.

 I try to recall those times when I find myself rushing Everett from the hen house or through the grocery store. I try to remember to slow down when fetching meat from the basement freezer so a preschooler can ask me four questions about whatever they see before we get back upstairs. I have to work on sighing at the sight of spilled milk because it's the 7th kid and one billionth time it's happened... but to them it seems like only the 5th time they'd ever spilled anything (lol). If find myself frustrated over chores (theirs and mine) taking too long (they probably aren't taking too long I'm probably impatient) I then try to ask myself 'what does it matter?' 

 See, I'm a part of a rush along through life society and I have to make a conscious effort to slow down. I find myself rushing children who should get to enjoy the cycles of the day and childhood. Plus, what will *I* miss out if I rush them... I miss out on them. I only have them a short time.

 So the above link is a great list and a reminder of why and how slowing down helps grow really great and happy kids. I want to cut and paste the text of it below for my future use as well:

From: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/11_Ways_Your_Child_Loses_When_You_Rush_Him/

Rushing our children through life: 1. Influences the developing brain. Your child's brain is being built every day, and the shape it takes depends on his daily experience. Some neurologists hypothesize that reinforcing neural pathways in a daily context of stressful hyper-stimulation creates a brain with a life-long tendency to anxiety.
2. Increases the levels of stress hormones in kids' bodies, which contributes to crankiness, difficulty falling asleep, weight gain, and immune suppression.
3. Makes them feel pushed and controlled, which triggers power struggles. Studies show this feeling--in adults who work at jobs where they're at someone else's beck and call--sends stress hormones sky-rocketing.
4. Overstimulates them so they can't process everything coming at them, which undermines learning.
5. Habituates them to busyness, so they become easily bored, craving electronic stimulation.
6. Keeps them from discovering and pursuing their own passions, which is necessarily a slow, organic process of experimentation and dabbling.
7. Creates a chronic feeling of incompleteness, which steals the joy of mastery.
8. Keeps children from attending to their emotions throughout the day, so in the evening they have a full backpack of feelings pressing for escape. That triggers meltdowns and can eventually lead to addictions like food, media consumption and shopping, which distract us from our emotional baggage.
9. Constantly interrupts their developmental work of exploring the world, so they lose their curiosity.
10. Forces them out of the groundedness of the present moment, into the breathlessness of scrambling to keep up, which undermines their authenticity and connection to deeper meaning.
11. Overrides their natural inclination to "do it myself," sabotaging the development of competence.
Not to mention, rushing makes us less patient and less nurturing with our children, so it's impossible to parent well.  A mom wrote me the other day that she realized her son wasn't dressing himself partly because she was always in such a hurry that she just dressed him, rather than helping him learn how to do it himself. Another mom wrote that after she got into a fight with her daughter, she realized she had been “too distracted, too busy, to slow down and just be kind.”
This week, notice how often you rush yourself and your child.  Notice the price you both pay. 

• What can you change to slow life down?
• How can you build more time into transitions so you aren't always rushing?
• What small daily rituals can your family use so that everyone has a chance to connect to deeper meaning, rather than just hustling through each day? Think deep breaths, gratitude practices, moments of quiet cuddling.

And maybe even stopping to watch the sunset.

Days Go By, Family, & How Nurturing Children and Their Experiences Might Alter Family DNA

I can't seem to get everything written that I want to, not even close, not even a little bit.

Days are filled with laughter and craziness. Days are filled with hilarious children and also screaming children. Days are filled with fun and also hard work. Days are filled with stress and also peace. Days are filled with boredom and excitement, laundry, and an army of hungry kids. Days and nights are filled with nursing a hungry, sweet, bright eyed baby. (I'm in total awe of her and I smell and kiss her all of the time. It's as if I've never had a baby before. I just look at her totally amazed she came from *us.*) Days are filled with temper tantrums --both mine and the kids'. Days are filled with appreciation for many blessings, and days are filled with too much to do.

I wish I could remember all of the things I wanted to write over this past week...or three. But I at least remember laughter and silliness, I remember hilarious kids, I remember family time, I remember Penelope's excitement and fabulous joy as she discovered she can touch the pool bottom now --and swim without floaties. I remember a lot of love and friendship between family. I remember thinking to myself...it's always been this way in my life, whether I knew it at the time or not. What a blessing.

I remember wanting to write about the simple lovely images I tried hard to burn into my mind last week... my grandma cutting watermelon, my aunt who made cupcakes for the kids to decorate, the kids playing games, the refreshing swimming pool, Aunt Sharon cooking up a storm, Aunt Holly's wit, good company and helpfulness, Echo's helpful and friendly presence. We look forward to July every year. I want to hold onto those memories because the years seem to roll on too fast and it scares me.

As I watched the kids playing and visiting with family I looked on and carefully listened as our aunts, uncles, and grandma talked and played with the kids. Even the youngest ones are allowed to help cook and water plants when they ask. I notice they bring the kids along to feed the hummingbirds or let them have the hose to water plants and many other things. The children are included so much in everything we all do. It was this moment I realized that I was destined to be a good mother, I didn't know it at age 7 or 12 or 16 ... but I was destined to be a loving person, and I was destined to be happy. I believe it is because of my family. When children are shown love and joy they carry it with them.

Including the youngest kids in the simplest things, talking to them, and spending time with them teaches an important lesson: be kind to children. I notice that when I'm stressed, short tempered, or angry at the younger kids in our household the older kids act that way to them too. When I'm calm,  respectful, patient and sensitive to them and I treat them like the innocent small human beings that they are the older kids act the same.

I watch the whole cycle start again as Charlotte (16) patiently takes Everett (2) with her to gather eggs and feed the chickens. My Aunt Sharon used to take me to feed my Grandma's chickens at that age.

Charlotte lets Penelope 'be on her team to play 'big kid games' even though it takes longer and Penelope might make “wrong” choices. Penelope feels special and has so much fun. Sage and Ethan also include the younger kids in far more things and are far more patient than I could have imagined.

I vividly remember being on grown up 'teams' when I was young, even when the game didn't require teams. It's one of the nicest and inclusive things you can do for a child; make them feel important and equal and 'big.' I didn't tell her to include Penelope, she just did. It's just what you do in a family: include, love, enjoy. I'm lucky to have had a long line of nurturing family members with various talents, interests, hobbies...all with a wild and wacky sense of humor and love of children.

Then I look at my husband: patient and nurturing, kind and honest. He's hardworking, humble and unselfish. Just like his parents.

 As I wrote this blog post this fascinating article came across my desk "Grandma's Experiences Leave a Mark on Your Genes" 
I'll be sharing it with my children. We tell them all the time how various things we do can help or hurt babies and kids.

According to the new insights of behavioral epigenetics, traumatic experiences in our past, or in our recent ancestors’ past, leave molecular scars adhering to our DNA. Jews whose great-grandparents were chased from their Russian shtetls; Chinese whose grandparents lived through the ravages of the Cultural Revolution; young immigrants from Africa whose parents survived massacres; adults of every ethnicity who grew up with alcoholic or abusive parents — all carry with them more than just memories. 

"...our experiences, and those of our forebears, are never gone, even if they have been forgotten. They become a part of us, a molecular residue holding fast to our genetic scaffolding. The DNA remains the same, but psychological and behavioral tendencies are inherited. You might have inherited not just your grandmother’s knobby knees, but also her predisposition toward depression caused by the neglect she suffered as a newborn.  Or not. If your grandmother was adopted by nurturing parents, you might be enjoying the boost she received thanks to their love and support. The mechanisms of behavioral epigenetics underlie not only deficits and weaknesses but strengths and resiliencies, too."

 I've long known that excessive crying is not good for babies.

Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16 

Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times. 

         Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful

 Science tells us that when babies cry alone and unattended, they experience panic and anxiety. Their bodies and brains are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol stress hormones. Science has also found that when developing brain tissue is exposed to these hormones for prolonged periods these nerves won’t form connections to other nerves and will degenerate. Is it therefore possible that infants who endure many nights or weeks of crying-it-out alone are actually suffering harmful neurologic effects that may have permanent implications on the development of sections of their brain? Here is how science answers this alarming question:Chemical and hormonal imbalances in the brain
Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16
Researchers at Yale University and Harvard Medical School found that intense stress early in life can alter the brain’s neurotransmitter systems and cause structural and functional changes in regions of the brain similar to those seen in adults with depression. 17
One study showed infants who experienced persistent crying episodes were 10 times more likely to have ADHD as a child, along with poor school performance and antisocial behavior. The researchers concluded these findings may be due to the lack of responsive attitude of the parents toward their babies. 14.
Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times. 6
Dr. Allan Schore of the UCLA School of Medicine has demonstrated that the stress hormone cortisol (which floods the brain during intense crying and other stressful events) actually destroys nerve connections in critical portions of an infant’s developing brain. In addition, when the portions of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional control are not stimulated during infancy (as may occur when a baby is repeatedly neglected) these sections of the brain will not develop. The result – a violent, impulsive, emotionally unattached child. He concludes that the sensitivity and responsiveness of a parent stimulates and shapes the nerve connections in key sections of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional well-being. 7, 8
Decreased intellectual, emotional, and social development
Infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings at an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, concluding that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.”
Researchers have found babies whose cries are usually ignored will not develop healthy intellectual and social skills. 19
Dr. Rao and colleagues at the National Institutes of Health showed that infants with prolonged crying (but not due to colic) in the first 3 months of life had an average IQ 9 points lower at 5 years of age. They also showed poor fine motor development. (2)
Researchers at Pennsylvania State and Arizona State Universities found that infants with excessive crying during the early months showed more difficulty controlling their emotions and became even fussier when parents tried to consol them at 10 months. 15
Other research has shown that these babies have a more annoying quality to their cry, are more clingy during the day, and take longer to become independent as children 1.
Harmful physiologic changes
Animal and human research has shown when separated from parents, infants and children show unstable temperatures, heart arrhythmias, and decreased REM sleep (the stage of sleep that promotes brain development). 10 12, 13
Dr. Brazy at Duke University and Ludington-Hoe and colleagues at Case Western University showed in 2 separate studies how prolonged crying in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. They concluded that caregivers should answer cries swiftly, consistently, and comprehensively. (3) and (4)

1. P. Heron, “Non-Reactive Cosleeping and Child Behavior: Getting a Good Night’s Sleep All Night, Every Night,” Master’s thesis, Department of Psychology, University of Bristol, 1994.
2. M R Rao, et al; Long Term Cognitive Development in Children with Prolonged Crying, National Institutes of Health, Archives of Disease in Childhood 2004; 89:989-992.
3. J pediatrics 1988 Brazy, J E. Mar 112 (3): 457-61. Duke University
4. Ludington-Hoe SM, Case Western U, Neonatal Network 2002 Mar; 21(2): 29-36
5. Butler, S R, et al. Maternal Behavior as a Regulator of Polyamine Biosynthesis in Brain and Heart of Developing Rat Pups. Science 1978, 199:445-447.
6. Perry, B. (1997), “Incubated in Terror: Neurodevelopmental Factors in the Cycle of Violence,” Children in a Violent Society, Guilford Press, New York.
7. Schore, A.N. (1996), “The Experience-Dependent Maturation of a Regulatory System in the Orbital Prefrontal Cortex and the Origen of Developmental Psychopathology,” Development and Psychopathology 8: 59 – 87.
8. Karr-Morse, R, Wiley, M. Interview With Dr. Allan Schore, Ghosts From the Nursery, 1997, pg 200.
9. Kuhn, C M, et al. Selective Depression of Serum Growth Hormone During Maternal Deprivation in Rat Pups. Science 1978, 201:1035-1036.
10. Hollenbeck, A R, et al. Children with Serious Illness: Behavioral Correlates of Separation and Solution. Child Psychiatry and Human Development 1980, 11:3-11.
11. Coe, C L, et al. Endocrine and Immune Responses to Separation and Maternal Loss in Non-Human Primates. The Psychology of Attachment and Separation, ed. M Reite and T Fields, 1985. Pg. 163-199. New York: Academic Press.
12. Rosenblum and Moltz, The Mother-Infant Interaction as a Regulator of Infant Physiology and Behavior. In Symbiosis in Parent-Offspring Interactions, New York: Plenum, 1983.
13. Hofer, M and H. Shair, Control of Sleep-Wake States in the Infant Rat by Features of the Mother-Infant Relationship. Developmental Psychobiology, 1982, 15:229-243.
14. Wolke, D, et al, Persistent Infant Crying and Hyperactivity Problems in Middle Childhood, Pediatrics, 2002; 109:1054-1060.
15. Stifter and Spinrad, The Effect of Excessive Crying on the Development of Emotion Regulation, Infancy, 2002; 3(2), 133-152.
16. Ahnert L, et al, Transition to Child Care: Associations with Infant-mother Attachment, Infant Negative Emotion, and Cortisol Elevations, Child Development, 2004, May-June; 75(3):649-650.
17. Kaufman J, Charney D. Effects of Early Stress on Brain Structure and Function: Implications for Understanding the Relationship Between Child Maltreatment and Depression, Developmental Psychopathology, 2001 Summer; 13(3):451-471.
18. Teicher MH et al, The Neurobiological Consequences of Early Stress and Childhood Maltreatment, Neuroscience Biobehavior Review 2003, Jan-Mar; 27(1-2):33-44.
19. Leiberman, A. F., & Zeanah, H., Disorders of Attachment in Infancy, Infant Psychiatry 1995, 4:571-587.