Finding Peace

I knew a Lincoln Log was down the bathroom drain, it's been there for weeks!
(the drain stopper broke and was discarded a year ago, sure we need to buy another one but it's obviously been put on the 2014 to do list lol)
I knew a small toothbrush got dropped down there too. The sink still drained normally though! That left two busy parents very little incentive to fix it. Finally the sink was stopped up and Ricky fixed it. I asked him what else was down there. He said, "Oh, all kinds of gross things...like a carrot." LOL.

The weekend was rough.  Nah, not because of the sink. That's baby stuff.

Trying to regain balance in the home (or life?), cracking down on little kids who are talking unkind to us, a noisy house, and a stressed out mom and dad with more on their plate than they thought. Everett is a handful. This place is familiar.

 I'm trying to find peace and learn to let go. I'm trying to find happiness and let go of things that don't matter.

I've embarked on a soul searching quest for contentment. Contentment is a worn path for me to follow; there's a fight between the fire within me that can't sit still... and contentment. Fire tends to win.

Ricky's swamped at work, he's working on a mountain of projects and there is no end in sight. The stress is starting to show. It goes unnoticeable for a long time but then I can tell after a while. It's times like this I realize how he feels when I'm at a breaking point. We can't stand to see one another unsettled.

We found ourselves cranky and snappy over a beautiful holiday weekend (Labor Day). It was at first unfortunate and sad, but then it was okay and uplifting because while we were cranky at each other and easily irritated we were also understanding and forgiving of each other too. We never fought, we just went with it.

It reminded me of this picture. Especially when he made me a fancy breakfast on Sunday morning.

 We growled and grumbled at each other but we gave each other the permission and space to do so. 

Our Marriage Mantra

From May: A Long Blog Post....Wants, Needs, Love, Toddlers, Graditute, Blessings...a run on blog post over weeks of time

Everett is a MONSTER! Seriously.
A friend of mine wrote that her daughter was being a 'giant rude asshole' the other day and it made me seriously laugh-out-loud because little kids can SO act like that sometimes. (She didn't say it to her daughter, she’s was venting to adults of course.)  Like sometimes their ability to be rude, disrespectful, whinny, needy, jerky and unmanageable just reaches new heights of what is normal and there is just no other word you can grasp to describe the frustration. Now the last three days, because toddler hell has been released on my household in waves of terror, I think to myself "you're acting like such an asshole!" But you know, even if it's not nice, sometimes it's just true. If anyone else was acting like this they would be thrown out of my house! But because they are two, four, or six you have to just go with it and talk it out one problem at a time. The only real successful way I've been to handle what I call being in 'kid-hell' (and the way I explain it to the other kids to help us all cope) is to pretend that the toddler/preschooler in question is from another planet. We pretend that on their planet it is totally okay to throw their spoon or spit out popcorn kernels on the floor. On their planet clothes must be optional and sprinkling seasonings from the spice cupboard all over the den, bed and floor is a routine way of having fun. We pretend Everett's spaceship dropped him here and he can never return so we have to teach him the way of our world. And it's a long process.

In the last 24 hours Everett (2) poured a water bottle into the silverware drawer, peed on Ricky (while sitting innocently on his lap he just starts peeing!?!), peed on the living room floor, threw toys around the house more times than I can count, dumped water on the dining room floor, dumped water on the kitchen floor, rolled out toilet paper (an old pastime apparently he's decided to re-discover) and a bunch of other highly annoying things. There are times when he just simply looks for something "bad" to do for seemingly no reason, there are times when I don't think he knows what he is doing, and then there are times when I can tell he’s doing it out of boredom or reactionary reasons.

Maybe you're reading this and you don't understand what I mean by having a jerky kid. If you are that person you may have had really easy "angel" kids, and I know because I've had them too. If I never had the jerky ones I would have no idea what I was talking about either; sometimes you're not dealt the difficult, spirited, ornery, jerky kid card, but sometimes you are. I wasn't dealt one until Layla. (Sage was a difficult young kid but in a different way.) Layla was downright spirited and had some attachment and tactile sensitivity issues. She was hard but I think her stubborn and difficult behavior was due to her personality more than anything. Sebastian and Everett had/have an ornery streak that far surpasses anything we've seen before. Sebastian grew out of it and now we are mostly just working on self-control, frustration control, and respecting personal body space. (grabbing, hitting, etc.)

Everett has now entered a familiar stage that we totally remember from Sebastian. Partly I MUST admit that we let the little boys watch too many superhero shows at WAY too young of an age. They have been adversely affected by the high speed, high fighting images. We've put a stop to seemingly innocent but ultimately violent TV and the impulsive hitting behavior has gotten WAYYYY better, but the ornery almost boredom induced jerkiness is still something we are working on, with Everett at least.

I'm pretty sure since we have eight kids we are even more likely to have a wide spread of special personalities. I think it must also have to do with the fact that I'm a bit high spirited myself --Ricky lovingly sneaks in comments about me being a bit manic so I can't blame the children too much. lol. I'm manic and spontaneous and he's analytical and calm. 

We are weird: We're both fairly introverted homebodies that like to be around each other all of the time but can’t take too many social engagements back to back. We also dislike crowds of people (it totally exhausts us). We are a totally bizarre combo! We both over-analyze going places. For example, if we want to go to a concert we think about all of the exhausting things we’d have to do to go. This usually includes driving, parking, going in, dealing with crowds and then spending hours fighting traffic and crowds to get home. So we’ll both say nahhh and settle on dinner, music at home, coffee on the porch and maybe a game night or TV instead. Such homebodies.

Back to Everett, more and more we see him apologizing genuinely, even to his siblings, seeing that he does care about others and tries to make amends --usually.
 I think he's trying to fit in. It's totally about boundaries and testing limits, but it's also about finding his place in the family and in the world. 

I still wonder on occasion why it's okay to hit kids but not dogs, but lock dogs in crates but not kids. I could really use a crate around here sometimes. Sometimes I'm like, what can I DO with this CRAZY fit throwing and thrashing little kid who is dumping out my basket of laundry right now? And that's around the time when I think I need a baby crib. But that's a short lived thought because by the time the toddler age rolls around and I think I "need" a baby crib to curb a fit-thrower my kid could just climb out of it and flip me off anyway. (Just kidding about the flipping off part lol, our kids don't do that ;) 

Everett can climb and get up or in anything; getting out of a crib would be the easiest thing in the world to him. It would be fun.

I've posted this before but it's good enough to post again:

“I really think it’s crazy that we hit our kids. Here’s the crazy part about it; kids are the only people in the world that you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable and the most destroyed by being hit but it’s totally OK to hit them. And they’re the only ones! If you hit a dog they will put you in jail for that shit. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you. But a little tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly: ‘FUCK ‘EM, WHO GIVES A SHIT!  -Comic C.K. Lewis

WILL A NEW BABY SPELL DISASTER?

Luckily when baby brother Everett was born Sebastian mellowed out. Not forever, but for a long time. He focused on caring for his brother and the household dynamic changed for the better. No matter what adding a new member changes the household dynamic, it's just going to. The kids have always been excited, always been helpful, and have always gained a lot from a new sibling. There is no reason for me to assume anything different will happen at this point. Also right before a new sibling is born we go through a crazy time where everyone starts fighting and I think how am I going to do this!? And Ricky always says 'the same why we always have been doing it' then suddenly it all stops and peacefulness is restored around that same week the needy newborn arrives. I'm counting on it this time. I have actually spent many pregnancies worried about what was going to happen after the new baby came and if I could handle another baby...and everything always worked out. And if not Ricky will just have to quit his job and we'll all move back to Indian Springs so Aunt Sharon can help us raise all the kids. (Just kidding ;)

Wants

I have so much I want to do, want to start, want to write, want to accomplish, want to fix, want to finish, want to make, want to ..... want to...want to...

My mind is a ADD train wreck of constantly evolving impulse and ideas. I'm an Aries: Impulsive, project starter, adventurous. Aries are forceful, dynamic and aggressive. Found online about an Aries: "Faith in life and the future remains untouched by hardship...their gift is that they are always children at heart and the world is always a magical place for them."

That sounds so right. Living with me might not be very easy but it's not boring. I'm all over the place. A constant flow of energy, projects, and expectation. I'm learning that it's totally exhausting being me sometimes.  I make myself crazy by having to have everything in order, everything in place, everything controlled, everything fun, everything beautiful. I ask myself all of the time why I'm not more content. It wears me out and I'm sure it wears my family out too.

In addition I'm the only one over age 7 or 8 years old allowed to stress out. Stress in other people throws me off balance. Since I know this I have to make an effort to be extra sensitive to others when they are stressed/cranky, I have to work at it. I've realy worked on it since having teens in the house! I have to be thoughtful of others to act like it's okay for other people to have bad/stressed days too. 

Sadness

I have a friend who just lost her Grandmother to cancer, I have a friend who is asking for prayers for for a 3 year old little girl with cancer, I have a dear family member getting ready to have cancer treatment. Our neighbor is leaving her house on Saturday to go live with her daughter in Nevada. She is dying from cancer. (Charlotte is taking care of her house and 5 cats until it is sold and they can hopefully re-home the adult cats.)

Recently I've been reading the blog of a woman whose husband died unexpectedly and she's left with kids and pain and her soul mate gone. It's wretched and I have no business reading it; none at all. The rawness and cruelness of love and life mixed with random tragedy pulled me in and I have to stop it. Her pain does nothing but make me weep, and her sorrow will still not be gone because I weep for her. Going through loss is a hellish trip. It’s the cruelest thing about life and I have serious issues with it.

Enjoying Now ~ The small things are the big things

My father in law sent me a beautiful mother's day orchid. 

My Aunt and Grandma visited us with strawberry cake and stories and fun.

The kids all had something fun over the weekend to enjoy; parties, nature classes, fun time at a creek.

My kids make me laugh. 

I have a houseful of food and kids.

I have as many children as I could ever want.

I am rich with love beyond measure.

Everyday my husband looks at me like he did the first week we met.
And last but not least: Happy 35 weeks to you little baby girl...or boy! You are alive and well and lovely and I'm carrying life. 

Stop, Breathe, Be Thankful.

And of course sometimes it's hard to see the good and sometimes I don't have to ALWAYS see the good. Sometimes I can be and cranky, remorseful, or overwhelmed and not feeling one bit guilty about it. Because that is life too. But most of the time I don’t want to; most of the time I can't muster the energy it takes to think that life is that bad (stressful maybe but not bad!). I have a deep appreciation for what I have because I feel it would be a travesty if I didn't. I never want to wake up with regrets. I never want to feel guilt or shame or sorrow for not enjoying something I should be. I don't want to pass up a field of flowers in haste to get to a pot of honey. 

While continuously adding to this two week long blog post I got into a stupid argument with Ricky over something stupid (we had different opinions about a news report and an argument ensued). I should have noticed he was working on his computer and he had been very busy and probably stressed. I didn't take notice though. I walked off pissy and got in the shower and thought to myself that he was being SO jerky. As I let the tension run from my body I thought to myself that yes he probably was being jerky, but probably it was because he'd been awake since 5am...and he's still up working at home after coming home and spending quality time with me and the kids and then helping brush teeth and putting everyone to bed. Yeah he's probably pissy, he's at work again just four hours after he got home from work.

My mind flooded with the words: He's here...HE'S HERE. Over and over...chanting in my head I heard: Your husband is home and you are fighting with him. It didn't matter that he said this or that or that he sounded grouchy with me for no reason. It didn't matter. I didn't really care at all. He's here and I love him. I knocked on the shower wall and he came in so I could tell him I was sorry and I didn't want to fight or be grouchy. We kissed. He said he was sorry too. And this is why my favorite love/movie quote and mantra to my life has been this for so very long:  

I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that...over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable- like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love- like there has never been in a play.  -Shakespeare in Love

And so I tell myself to stop, breathe, be thankful, be the love.

Somebody somewhere is losing their moment to be thankful. Someday we all lose moments, so I look for the good ones and don't take them granted. I’m obsessed with not taking things for granted. I think it’s because I love life.

When Birthdays (and parenting) Are No Fun

  I'm wondering if there is a short version of telling about how my birthday was. I think I want to talk about it but I’m not entirely sure. I had zero expectations for my birthday. Last year was a super amazing birthday complete with a Levee High Caramel Pie ($40 worth of serious pie heaven), a dainty French oyster bar / cafe, doting husband, perfect kids, light gardening and a bunch of other fabulous-ness. This year I figured would be just a birthday; plain and sweet not too unlike other birthdays. There would be cake, ice cream, some family fun; nothing big but still special and happy in our own fun way. Ricky HAD to work this year, which is no biggie. I know he wanted to stay home and I never expect him to stay home even though he generally tries to take his birthday and my birthday off and usually he is able to.

 I decided since I’d been putting it off I should get my blood drawn first thing in the morning on my birthday. (routine thyroid check) It’s so not a big deal to me, needles don’t bother me in the least and it’s a quick stop at the lab down the road. Since I’d been putting it off I thought I should make myself DO IT because making time to take care of myself seemed to be a good and meaningful thing to do on my birthday. The other thing I had been putting off was a trip to the chiropractor so I did that too (and went last year on my b-day too). Penelope went with me and we had some fun one on one time and we stopped at the store. I found amazing deals on raspberries, red grapes, wisteria, hostas and some flower bulbs –all of which were starting to leaf out or sprout and looked really healthy with lots of promise for this year. I took it upon myself to treat myself to as many plants as we bought groceries. I felt entitled because it was my birthday LOL. Oh, and we had to get a second cart for little Penelope to push cause we found some roses bushes on sale too.  It was my birthday! I deserved it. Penelope thought it was a hoot that mom had gone a little insane. I’m glad we had fun because it was nearly the only fun thing that happened all day. 

 Later back at home we needed to get some beds made and the upstairs vacuumed for guests to spend the night. Sharon, Grandma, and Jason were getting back into town and got in late from the airport so they were crashing here in the middle of the night. I soon discovered the children who reside upstairs, who are supposed to take care of the upstairs, hadn’t really been.  I should have been checking up on them the past few weeks but I’m lazy about going up there (I hate stairs! It’s horrid how much I hate walking up the stairs LOL). Also, I’m picky so I feel like if I avoid the upstairs I won’t nag on their housekeeping skills. But atlas I went up and I nagged. I bitched. I complained. I was unhappy. I won’t go into detail here. It’s not like they were living in squalor, I know I’m picky they know I’m picky so that’s an issue I TRY to curb sometimes. However there were things I asked them to do, and that they are supposed to keep up on that they flat out didn’t do, and even some things they just said they did and they simply hadn’t. So I was stressed and upset, and the little kids were fighting and it just wasn’t fun at all. 

 At some point the little kids were bickering and making me nuts and then Sebastian (4) hurt Penelope (6) really bad.  Ultimately he dragged her by the hair and kicked her. She was hysterically choking and holding her throat and gasping for air over the whole ordeal and I flipped out. I quickly swatted him and then stopped myself. (I’m against spanking, it’s not up for debate, it’s simply wrong to hit people of any age but sometimes I slip and have to stop myself. Controlling or disciplining people/kids with force is a powerful reaction that many struggle with and I do too at times.)

click to enlarge

 Then I locked him in the basement-playroom area for his own safety because I could feel how angry and scared I was over him hurting her. Anger scares me. I often think 'how can some one be so angry that they hurt or kill a child', yet it happens ALL OF THE TIME. I'm not afraid I'm a monster like child abusers are, but anger still scares me -and when I get angry I struggle with regaining control and teaching my kids control through a good example. 

So he’s crying and I’m telling him through the door that I cannot let him out because I want to spank him and hitting is wrong and what he did was horrible and wrong and I don’t know what to say to him or do so he needs to stay in the basement/playroom and I'll talk to him in a minute. We have a basement door-lock chain so he’s talking/crying at me through the chain. Around now I helped Penelope and Everett get into a bath because they have chocolate and dirt all over them and they asked for a bath. Sebastian calmed down a little bit and I joined him in the basement and told him we can go upstairs together, I switched laundry I started to cry a little as I saw him walk up the basement steps. I wiped my tears and grabbed clean laundry to fold only to find at the top of the stairs Sebastian had locked me in the basement. I explained to him through the door chain that I need him to open the door... but he’s actually nowhere in sight, as far as I can tell anyway. I start sobbing that I’m just trying to take care of everyone and that he can’t lock me in the basement because I’m the one who has to do the laundry and cook and help everyone, and the kids are in the bathtub…and who else is going to take care of everyone…Even if he thinks I’m a mean mom I’m the only one that can help everyone and to please let me out…

 I’m crying because the overwhelming guilt, exhaustion and selflessness that comes with parenting complied with being angry at him for hurting his sister so bad... and he locked me down there because he’s copying what I did to him. Great role model mom. (Ricky reminded me later that he's actually locked the door on lots of people he's been mad at and it's not like I gave him the idea, but I digress.) I could not muster up even an ounce of anger over him locking me in the basement. All I had was remorse, remorse for I don’t know what –I wasn’t and am not sorry I locked him in "time-out"; he needed to be in a safe place and it was only for a couple minutes. I guess it was remorse for just the whole day falling apart before my eyes, how did it go so wrong? I used the other basement door that leads outside and tried the house doors, everything was locked. Everyone was upstairs or in the bathtub. I tried tapping on the bathroom window to get Penelope’s attention but the screen wouldn’t let me make contact with the glass. I tried throwing rocks at upstairs windows and no one could hear me. I started ringing the doorbell frantically. I had blood-red puffy eyes from crying and black mascara streaming down my face (the ugly cry!) and I realized Layla’s school bus might pull up any second to a crazed sobbing mom in the middle of the yard.  Finally Sage heard the door and let me in. I looked at the clock and was wrong about the bus; it wasn’t due for an hour. Sebastian hid under the dining room table and I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him and we both needed to mellow out. Eventually we talked and I told him he needed to stay in his bedroom to play until Daddy got home and he pretty much did.

 I got flowers delivered that my Uncle Neal had picked out for me and they ARE STUNNING! I love them and they brighten the whole house and made me happy. They were a refreshing and sweet distraction. 

At some other points throughout the day or afternoon:

•  Everett dumped a half a bag of dog food all over the porch. Just for fun.
• Everett threw a stack of playing cards in my face (I think it was slightly unintentional to hit me in the face..? Unsure.) 
• I found that no one had watered the poor chickens.
• I made the kids’ favorite dinner not mine. Everyone left the kitchen and no one helped clean up afterwards.
• I had no time to make a cake.
• Everett came inside and dumped dirt from the sandbox on the living room floor after I had just vacuumed the hard wood. So I cried again.
• I had the little kids eat dinner outside so I wouldn’t have to clean up rice in the kitchen (kids and rice = such a pain!) and the result was even more disastrous. Drinks were spilling, rice was all over some kids, and Sebastian even had rice stuck to the bottom of his feet!?!
• My husband literally came home to a sobbing mess!

 Ricky got home and started helping me clean up rice and I burst into tears which made him feel bad for me. He wanted to ground the older kids when he saw me doing the dinner dishes on my birthday while he picked up rice, but I told him not to because I had nagged at them about the upstairs and I felt bad for it. He said it was too bad -it was them who didn’t do the things they were supposed to do the last 3 weeks upstairs, but he let it go because I was upset and I said that since they help me so much USUALLY with the little kids they should get a pass. 

 Ricky had brought me some of my favorite food as a surprise but I couldn’t eat it, I was too upset (I enjoyed it later and was very thankful).  He told me he tried to bring me my favorite pie in the whole world but the bakery was closed by the time he got there, and he even left work a little early. It was so thoughtful of him! And you know what? I apologized 3x to him that the bakery was closed. Like what is that about? Like that’s my fault too? But I felt bad for him because he tried to do something nice for me that didn’t work out and I felt bad I was a blubbering pregnant overwhelmed mess when he got home. He tried to make me feel better but I just wasn’t up to it yet and so I started cleaning the bathroom so I could hide. When I got the shower sprayer down to rinse the tub out I lost my grip and accidentally sprayed myself in the face. My face and bangs were soaking wet. So I started to cry, again.
I started thinking it's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

 I had planned on having ice cream on cones when all other desserts fell flat but decided since the day went so horrendously that I didn’t want anything and nobody was getting anything either.  So we told everyone no birthday treats. (We actually had a fudge pop after lunch so that helped lesson the sting. If we hadn’t had that the little kids would have started a revolution, I’m pretty sure.)

 Ethan made me a birthday card that was the sweetest thing ever in the history of the world saying he was sorry my day didn’t go very well, or as planned at all, and that him and the other two older kids were working on getting the upstairs done correctly. In the picture he drew a pretty room with a table and pie and cake and rug, chair and lamp. He said he knows I like the house nice so here is a pretty & clean room he drew. I wanted to burst into tears but I held them back because I didn’t know if he’d understand. I wanted him to see me smile and love his card not sob at it. I love that kid.

 All of this stressful overwhelming stuff can happen any day for almost any reason, the stress just happened to come falling down on my birthday. I don’t think I was any more a basket case or upset because it was my birthday and I expected something different. It just happened --and it just happened to be on April 4^th.

 Once we got everyone to bed only an hour later Everett woke up and cried and cried for a half hour because he had to go pee but was too tired and emotional to go. Finally we got him back to sleep and salvaged a few minutes to snuggle and kiss before I fell asleep exhausted. The new baby kicked me in my ribs all night and I enjoyed the reassurance of life growing inside me along with Ricky’s sleeping body wrapped around me and my round baby-belly.

The next morning the sun came up, the kids smiled, Ricky and I smiled at each other ...life went on. Sebastian had an early AM dentist appointment to fix a tooth and it went great and easy. On our early dentist outing we got some alone time together and giggled and had fun together and of course talked about anger control. Back at home we all got to visit with Sharon and Grandma and they had brought Dunkin’ Donuts over. I very much enjoyed a sprinkle donut and coffee and all felt right again in my world. The day was warming up and the kids were all happy. The house was clean. As the sun warmed the ground I dug in the dirt, cleaned out flower garden beds, I pruned two peach trees and blackberry bushes. I felt whole and happy again. The little kids played and ran around me and after I gave them their lunch I went to check on them and found they had moved off the porch and they were instead huddled up on a play structure/slide picnicking together.

Happiness is sometimes only a day away. 

I'm pregnant, this winter is crazy and we had to stay in the hospital with Penelope

I think I handle stress well until I have a stressful situation turn me into a basket case with a raging headache! We were anticipating a nice calm winter but we were wrong. I guess it’s time we had an off winter after so many years of super easy illness.

It seems like every time I get caught back up and on track something just kicks us down again and so I just post a couple sick related updates instead. It's been really crazy. I haven't had the time to even post a I'M PREGNANT with baby #8 post!!!!! (We are so happy! We think baby is a girl, due in June) I'm also behind on emails and responses, and I haven't yet been able to finish posts I have written about: leaving facebook, Christmas, various kid things and now I need to update about our Penelope's illness and trip to the hospital. I have many things in my drafts folder, so one day there may be a whole storm of backdated posts. This ones backdated as well.

Our life is not that rough, we are extremely blessed and lucky and happy, but the winter has brought us non-stop challenges and every time we get past one I think ‘boy glad that’s over!’ and we get back on our routine and then BAM something else happens that sends us spiraling backward again. We are so "behind" with school and it's so frustrating because we are all trying so hard! Since November we’ve dealt with nothing truly horrible but just a whole bunch of stuff: morning sickness, teething baby, weaning baby, household flu, upper respiratory illnesses, bronchitis, two broken teeth (two different occasions!), even more teething baby, croup, hospital trip /possible serious illness in Penelope, AND even more coughing. Not to mention a VERY unruly, defiant four year old, and a two year old that does stuff like dumps pencil shavings in the toaster. (lol.) Because of Sebastian's violent and cranky behavior lately we took our large TV and video game set up down and put it in storage.

THE HOSPITAL TRIP...
I could write for days about our 10 hour ER and the subsequent 14 hour hospital room stay. We just got home yesterday and my head is still throbbing from the stress.

You probably think we spent 10 hours in the ER because it was super-crazy busy. Nope. We were sent over by our family doctor and seen in the ER within 20 minutes of arriving and had attention right away.

We were sent to Children's Hospital from our family practice office because our six year old daughter Penelope couldn't walk at all due to extreme pain in the pelvic area and groin. She cried out in pain even when we carried her from room to room in the house. She couldn’t even roll over in bed, and she had a fever too. Our Family Nurse Practitioner (FNP) mentioned toxic synovitis as a possibility but we needed to have it checked since her pain seemed so severe. We needed to rule out something more serious (like bacterial infection). After10 hours in the ER we were ultimately admitted overnight after blood work, urine test, one x-ray, two ultrasounds and one CAT scan.

The x-ray showed no fractures or injury. The ultrasounds showed no fluid around the hips ruling out bacterial hip infection and bacterial synovitis. They said her bowel looked slightly inflamed and she had "a lot of stool." They then pursued an appendicitis diagnosis against my insistence that her abdomen does not hurt her anywhere. She complained of her abdomen hurting ONLY during and after deep abdomen ultrasounds and palpation from at least 10 doctors in a row. She is sensitive and says just about everything hurts her; I know her abdomen was not an issue, she just didn't like having it touched. She was in so much pain as we moved her around that she was given a small amount of morphine. We allowed a CAT scan to rule out other abdominal issues anyway, including appendicitis, because we know how serious that could be and they would do a scan of her hips as well. We just knew something was going on in her pelvic/pubic region! Afterwards they didn't entirely rule out appendicitis but it didn't appear to be the issue. They started talking surgery on her bowel or appendix anyway. When I questioned them about possibly taking out a healthy appendix I was told, "Well, if there is one healthy organ you could have removed but not need it removed the appendix is the one you'd want it to be." I was so appalled!  Were they just suggesting that accidentally removing an organ would be okay as long as it was one that doesn’t seem to do anything much??? Who pays for that? What about poor Penelope and the risks of surgery? Furthermore, I do not believe the appendix or anything about the human body to be useless! See for yourself.

Then surgeons meet with us to poke her more and talk to us. I was still so afraid something serious might be wrong that I didn’t come unglued and irate, but I should have done this. This is one of the best hospitals in the nation, I trusted them way too much. Lesson learned. I should have never let my guard down.

She continued to hold her pubic bone and groin area in pain every time she coughed or moved and it went largely ignored. I constantly pulled up her hospital gown in front of doctors and over her underwear I pointed to her pubic bone and said, “It hurts her HERE THE MOST.” They said they had no idea what was wrong with her and because of her pain we should stay the night. We were told she was constipated because of the stool they saw on the CAT scan, which we felt was also wrong. She hadn’t been up and around much and she was in pain and frightened at the hospital. Pooping probably wasn’t on her body’s list of to-do items. Sheesh. 

I have an Orthopedic Surgeon family member who lives out of state and once he caught wind of what was going on he said Penelope's pain is exactly what he has been seeing a lot of this winter: Toxic Synovitis. He described that parents have been carrying their kids into his clinic because they cannot walk and they have had a flu or illness recently which is now accompanied by severe debilitating hip, groin and pelvic pain. Fluid does not have to be present and that's all the Dr's were looking for, but they were ignoring all of her other symptoms!

We were given a hospital room finally at 9:30pm and three more doctors (two actual doctors and one resident) examined her until 11pm. I finally kicked them out. They wanted to give her a nose swab test at 11pm while she lay exhausted and sleeping; as one Dr. continued to poke at her while she slept she moaned uncomfortably --I told him absolutely no more!!! Get out! Thank goodness I had just experienced a nose swab for the first time back in November with the flu or I wouldn’t have known what it was really. It’s totally deep, annoying and painful! Why would they not let a child rest after 12 hours of examinations and tests!?  I felt like if I let them do that to her I’d be completely betraying her. It was not needed at that moment and she was sleeping after hardly any sleep the night before. My poor baby girl. 

During the night at the hospital she made a lot of improvement and began rolling over in bed without pain! Further into the night she also sat up without pain, and finally she could walk to the bathroom! She still moved very slowly but it was finally without crying out in pain. She said she was just a little sore.

During the night when she woke up they gave her Miralax in a large cup of lemonade that she did not drink much of. She woke up later and made a bowel movement. She did NOT have a full "1x dosage" as it says on her paperwork and we do not think it helped her make a bowel movement. The next morning she made a bowel movement on her own without the aid of anything and then again on her own today.  Not constipated. 

I began to reflect more on what had happened to her (all the tests and them not listening to us) and looked further into her symptoms. Read about it here: http://4kidsortho.com/html/toxic_synovitis.html she had EVERY symptom EXACTLY described for Toxic Synovitis just like our family member orthopedic surgeon suggested.

In the morning I said I wanted her to be released and told them I thought she had Toxic Synovitis (viral). A doctor there agreed that it "could" be that... "Or constipation."

Children's Hospital sent us home (after sitting and waiting a full 5 hours for discharge papers) with the most disappointing care instructions:

 -Prescription of Miralax for constipation and instructions to give her Tylenol for fever.

-Follow up with our family doctor if needed.

-She can also go back to full activity/school.

I threw a hissy fit when leaving the hospital. I sorta-kinda yelled at the nurse’s station full of Dr’s and nurses. Oops. :P (don’t mess with Mama Bear!)

I asked our orthopedic surgeon family member what care instructions he gives a child for viral Toxic Synovitis and he said the following:
-Ibuprofen 3x a day for 5-7 days for inflammation and DO NOT miss a dose.
-No activity other than walking to and from bathroom and kitchen; lots of rest.
-NO RUNNING.
-No going to school for 5 days; too much activity there. (Not applicable to us but good to know.)
-If a fever over 102.6 for more than two days get her evaluated, it indicates the bacterial infection and she probably needs antibiotics.

We got home yesterday exhausted. Our house was tidy, new food was on the shelves, laundry was done and my Aunt, Grandma and children had worked hard at keeping everything nice and orderly. Thank God for awesome family and good kids. Sixteen year old Charlotte kept the laundry going nonstop (we were behind a few days –which is a lot when you have any kids let alone seven!) and she and the boys kept up all their chores up while we were away. What a relief after that horrible hospital trip and stress!

I was exhausted and wanted to stay home today but I still immediately called and had Penelope reexamined at our family practice this morning for a possible diagnosis of synovitits and to go over the disappointing ordeal resulting in hospital misdiagnosis and a very poor treatment plan for a still very sick little girl. Bless Charlotte, Sage and Ethan’s hearts for watching the kids again so I could take Penelope alone.  Sebastian and Everett can be such a handful right now but the big kids are so good about knowing we just need to get Penelope well! I love my family.

I reviewed all the information and hospital stay with our Family Practice Clinic Docs and they definitely agreed with me about the misdiagnosis and told not to give her the Miralax.  I was then asked if we received the chest x-ray they recommended to the hospital when they referred us over. We did not.  Apparently they have a concern about a sound in her right lung and are concerned about pneumonia. This is extra concerning to all of us today since Penelope’s cough gets a little worse every day and Penelope was discharged from the hospital with a fever.

So our treatment plan is now:

Synovitis:  Follow the same things my orthopedic surgeon family member suggests for his young patients with Toxic Synovitis. Watch for fever and to get Penelope an x-ray in 2 days if her cough is not improving, especially if it’s accompanied with high fever or if she just is generally unwell.

The family practice we go to is a holistic environment run by a medical doctor who has several RN’s & FNP’s staffed. They all have various extensive experience or degrees in homeopathy, naturopathic medicine, clinical nutrition, botanical medicine and more.  They listen to us, work with us, and we love them for it!

Penelope was prescribed two prescription homeopathic cough medicines and they really seem to be helping her coughing fits so far. I asked if other family members can use it and they can. Sebastian and Everett are both on it now too.  Lastly he told me to keep up with vitamin D drops and probiotics.

So, that is the long hospital ordeal. I have other things to write, so many thoughts and so many thanks I owe to family members. It needs its own post. Hopefully I can find the time. 

Lastly, we haven't even got the bill yet and I am gearing up to fight the hospital stay bill for misdiagnosis and sending us home with a sick child without a treatment plan.  If any Dr. thought it could be toxic synovitis we should have been given a treatment plan for that as well. Not just told she can go back to “full activity.” I already have an attorney. That’s how fast I roll! Don’t mess with Mama Bear, because this is what you'll get.

And now this is me with my baby girl cub over the past week. 

 And now hopefully I can get a break (haha) and some happy more frequent updates will come! Because "WE" as a family are fantastic. We are in love with our baby due in June (the kids are so excited) and after all this stress and craziness we just keep pulling ourselves up and getting reorganized!

Sick, The Quest for Some Family Time, Weaning Toddlers

I was sick forever. Ok, it was only a week, or nine days...give or take...but it was awful! Layla brought us influenza B home for Thanksgiving, so over the Thanksgiving holiday people started falling ill. The kids were pretty easy and straight forward; fevers, tired, achy...then I got it. I was the sickest of all. It was totally pitiful how sick I got. I slept for six hours a day, the kids watched six hours of TV a day. It was misery. Everyone got over it slowly, but I got over it even slower. I'm still totally recuperating but I'm much better now. I have some cold like symptoms and until last night I hadn't slept an entire night in two weeks. Usually we have our tree up by or on Thanksgiving, we finally got it up yesterday. We have been doing Christmas crafts and finally getting more into the holiday! Funny because we had actually started early last month, we had Christmas music playing as usual in November, but then everything got put on hold.

CRANKY MOM, FAMILY TIME

I feel really bad I've been SO bitchy to the kids. I really do. I've been: tired, cranky, demanding, impatient. It happens from time to time, but being sick has just made me even more miserable I'm sure. I wish I had the grace of Michelle Duggar. I would love that. I would love to treat my little people with more respect sometimes; I would never nag at my husband the way I nag at them. It's a reoccurring theme, and I need to re-read this post and I'll feel better and try harder and start over from a place of more patience. I'm always working at being a better calmer mother-person. Things have been very stressful lately, I need to remember that first. Second: things will get better. For months and MONTHS Ricky's been working a lot, which is totally understandable and needed right now, but it has made things more stressful. We are both tired, stressed and busy and while that doesn't reflect on our relationship with each other it does on the kids. I'm more stressed, he's not seeing them as much or playing with them as much. It's just hard. A lot of nights we just rush around trying to get them in bed so we can talk for 30 minutes and then either collapse on the couch together or in bed. I'm in bed a lot since I'm so sick. We recently have been trying to watch more TV in the evening with the kids. It's hard because there is not much we can watch together as a family since our society thinks family TV has to include non stop adult themes, teen dating and/or crude humor filled with stereotypes. But, we've found a few shows we like and with holiday movies and shows being in season it's much easier right now too. At least if we are tired we can still sit around together and be in each others company instead of rushing everyone off to separate rooms for quiet time or whatever. This craziness is just a phase though: things get better and worse, rinse and repeat, it's called life! I'm looking forward to us feeling better and playing more family games in the evenings again.

WEANING THE TODDLER (otherwise known as the baby)

Before any of the sickness started, right about the time Ricky started working a lot more hours on some special projects, Everett started getting really cranky and going through a "stage." It was what we called 'a REALLY HARD time that would pass.' That has now been compounded with weaning him. So he is EXTRA cranky and needy now, but things are improving with him! He is starting to understand more and the slow almost-child-led but mostly mama-led weaning is going well. It's so very hard for a child to make that transition. Weaning is forever, it's a huge milestone as well as a huge new development into being his own person. In addition we both have to learn an entirely new toolbox of mothering and soothing skills. It's not just about him not nursing anymore: it's him not getting extra calories, him no longer getting my antibodies that help him during colds and flu, him needing something new to do instead of nursing for a big owey or emotional breakdown, him needing a new way to fall back asleep at night, him needing a new coping strategy for teething, him needing to find something to do when he is bored...and the big one me and him HAVING to find away to get him to sleep for bedtime and naps to begin with. His life is changing big time; eventually he won't remember it, but it will be forever a part of him. Even though I'm SO, so ready for him to wean, it's still bittersweet. He's still my baby, he'll always be. We have some tears at night and nap time when I just *won't* nurse or when I nurse him and then tell him 'all done now.' (Because physically it's just NOT working for me, not because I'm trying to withhold from him through will-power, I'm actually at that point where it's just not working out and milk is drying up.) As we lie together and I try to soothe him it's getting easier every few days. He's getting older and more understanding (or at least accepting). He's doing great. Today he found ice cream cones in the cupboard and wanted ice cream. We are all out of ice cream. A couple months ago he would have cried and cried because emotionally he wouldn't have been able to accept not having ice cream in the house while having the cones in his hand. Today he got over it after looking in the freezer and accepted it for a simple reality. Growing up is AMAZING. Lots to learn about cause and effect and acceptance...

Busy months, ready for holidays, homeschool/toddler burn out, saving money, Charlotte's 16 now...

Just a long busy week, actually long busy September AND October....
Lots of responsibilities and trying to get back into a routine this week, and mostly not having much fun. (but I'm not feeling fun anyway :)

 Ricky's work computer crashed last night for the THIRD time this year. The first time they fixed it, the second time they replaced the hard drive, now I don't know what they will do. Poor thing, he's so behind because of various projects and working so hard. I'd be a lot more stressed out than he seems! We are still on the 'leaves every day at 5:30am and gets home at 7 or 8pm schedule'. I'm so tired of getting the kids dinner and ready for bed alone. It's not really that bad, but it's sure not fun! This type of work load seems to happen for several months out of the year, I'll just hope it gets better by the holidays! He has a smile on his face when he gets home though. We still find time to love each other, spend time with each other, have coffee, talk, hold hands. This makes my life 100% perfect and able to deal with anything that comes our way. I don't take it for granted, not even for a day. He is amazing.
~~~
The little girls each had their first Girl Scout meetings this week, they had fun. I'm an actual co-leader in Penelope's troop now.

Right now I am focused on school work and routine with the kids, and just added yard work to our to-do list. Outside is badly neglected and needing some attention before it gets too cold to do anything. So the kids have been working hard too. I've felt really high strung and irritable lately, like everything the little kids do annoys me. I can't wait for that to pass. I realized recently that I was totally burnt out. Burnt out by the kids, homeschool, toddlers, responsibility, serving dinner to whining, complaining preschoolers, Layla's mood swings...TODDLERS!
Everett is a typical two year old. A good portion of the day he is in tears and a good portion he is running around like a crazy person. He dumps out toy boxes. He mimics every single thing -bad or good- that the other kids do. He is sweet, but he is a pain. He nurses when he's bored. I'm so tired of that. (again typical)

Pretty much the only way I get through burn-out stages is to *know* it's going to get better and work really hard at pushing through one hour or one day at a time, and taking a nap if possible in-between long days. As much as I want to throw my hands up in the air and give up I know it will only make things worse, so I work hard at not getting behind. And I work hard at not throwing the broom....
I hit the broom on the floor six times really, really hard the other day and yelled, "I'm SO FREAKING TIRED OF THIS CRAP." LOL. :) I totally felt better afterwards. I needed a time-out. I need a soft bat to hit things with. I need to be grounded.

This too shall pass.

Penelope just showed me that she drew 'ice cream cone monsters' on a piece of paper. It's really cute. Almost everyday I take the little kids across the street to the old quiet, grassy cemetery to sit in the grass, play ball, read and do an activity. This gives the older kids some quiet work time too. We made a leaf bar graph yesterday. (counting fall leaf colors).

My oven works again. It broke last month and we just did not have time to care. (Well we cared, but we couldn't do much about it.) Ricky finally had a chance to fix it and it only cost $27.00, yay! We have a few other repairs that are piling up and we keep ignoring them...for now. I hope to make pie and cookies today and tomorrow. I just now thought it was Thursday, but it is actually Wednesday. So I have an extra day. Humm, not sure if that is bad or good.

So the oven...I was happy we could make cornbread to go with chili last night. It's baking season. Soon Christmas cookies will fill the air. I love pecan snowballs. I am working on a blog post about Christmas. We are not buying a bunch of toys this year, but instead only giving the kids a filled stocking with a toy from Santa. We are really focused on saving money right now. We have cut out so many things because we just have too many expenses and debt. We also dream about buying some acreage so we can raise chickens and geese for meat (for us and to sell). Maybe goats too. We definitely want a milk goat. Oh and there are these small breed milk cows I dream about having! So we are going to try and save up just in case some good property becomes available. We adore our home though, but if it were just on more acreage darn it! I've actually found some neat property, but we need to get on track and spend way less to make that possible. We decided we should never go into Target ever again, stop buying little things here and there, almost only shop second hand and I'm stocking up less at home in the way of food. We are trying weekly shopping for a while. We usually go on a couple HUGE shopping trips a month, but I find it's too hard to regulate spending/eating this way.

So this Christmas we are focusing on creating an old time family style Christmas. Cutting our own tree down, making decorations, stringing popcorn and cranberries, Christmas caroling, having a hot cocoa party, and making a homemade Christmas village that we will start next month and work on for all of December too. I started a Pinterest board for Christmas ideas too. The idea is to fill our December with even more family time, crafts and meaningfulness than usual, instead of spending money on more 'stuff.' We clearly do not need more toys. I am starting a list of what activities we are doing and how much they will cost. Supplies can really add up, but the idea is simple, cost effective, meaningful. I'm still looking for a perfect Christmas Day activity. I wish I could count on sledding and tubing, but we may not have snow.

I can not wait to make these! I hope we are awesome at it.

Well there is my run-on update. Oh and Charlotte is awesome.  (Sage and Ethan too!!) They sense my recent irritability and they know the little kids have been a total handful, so they have really been trying to help me out and are being compassionate to my cranky overwhelming-ness. 

Our oldest, Charlotte turned 16 last month. We had an elaborate Alice in Wonderland Party for her 16th birthday. This is the link to the party Blog, all nice and updated with pictures The party was fantastic. I was so busy planning her delightful party that I hardly noticed or cried about my baby girl turning SIXTEEN!

Photo area I made for Charlotte's party

Since I decided to blog this morning I will pay dearly...Everett got into the cornbread and crumbled it all over the kitchen.  There is also play dough everywhere!

I Brought My Kids With Me, and I'm Not Sorry

  I had a doctor appointment yesterday. I brought along Penelope (5), Sebastian (3), and Everett (21months). I felt like walking in with just a baby would be just fine, carting in two other kids made me feel... apologetic. They have toys in the rooms, they are a family practice. (We all go there) They are used to treating homeschool families, big families, Etc. So all these things made me more at ease. I however found myself wanting to apologize a few different times for choosing to tote along all of my youngest children for my appointment. I found myself twice wanting to lie and/or make excuses like, 'sorry I didn't have a babysitter'  or, 'I'm a stay at home mom so I had to bring my kids.' 

 I *could* have left them at home with the older kids, but I dislike doing that if I'm going to be more than 20-30 minutes away from home. (The Dr's is about 40 minutes away.) I also figured the little kids would just watch TV the entire time I was gone; that's no good. I also see them coming along as quality time and life experience for them.  On the way there and back we talk, listen to music, and play car games. (Yellow cars are 5 points, red cars are 2 points, all others 1 point) 

  In the waiting room we learn about signing in, inside voices, sharing the office toys with the other children, waiting, and politeness. The office was running behind and my kids got restless, but that's life. There was mini football in the basket of toys in the waiting room -who provides a ball to kids inside a waiting room?? So that produced exhausting challenges of it's own! 

Other advantages to them coming is that in the examining room they see their mom comfortable, chatting, talking about health concerns, discussing medications, asking questions, being polite, and standing her ground (if necessary). They see their mom get examined, have her ears looked at, Etc. so they know it's ok and not scary if/when they need to have it done. And finally they see mom get blood drawn painlessly and calmly and learn about blood, tests, Etc. 

  I find it interesting and sad our society is so adult focused. It can be pretty extreme. It's too the point that I have to sometimes stop myself from apologizing for bringing my kids someplace with me.

  The kids did end up bickering and fighting a little and it distracted me. If the office had been running on time they might have not felt so 'done' by the time we met with my care provider. So it was definitely more stressful than I thought it would be. But we managed. The kids liked watching me get my blood drawn the most. The nurse who draws my blood is super nice and I always have 1-2 kids in the room with me when I see her (this time I had 3). It's a tiny room, but she happily welcomes us like it's no big deal. When Everett was smaller he'd sit on my lap while she did it. This time he sat on a chair and was happy watching. I'm very appreciative of her carefree attitude.

 In most day-to-day situations I don't think any parent should ever feel awkward or apologetic for having to bring their child someplace they need to be. Sometimes kids act up and misbehave, they may be over stimulated, or maybe they are just plain bratty, but it's still part of life. Kids are people too. Sometimes doing day-to-day things with kids is easy, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you have to take kids outside because they are not acting calm, appropriate, or having the patience to deal with the adult themed outing. If my kids had been having a melt down at the office and I felt like I needed to apologize for the disruption I absolutely would have. Not because I brought them though, but because they had not acted as I thought they would or should. But to simply walk into a place and apologize because I'm a mother with children who need nurtured and cared for? Never.