Kids and Magic 8 Balls

The Magic 8 Ball is a real pain around my house. The little kids think it's totally real. Layla (8) I'm not 100% sure about. She's at the age that you can't really tell if she's believing or playing. I totally forget that Penelope (6) and Sebastian (4) think it's real and they ask me all the time what it says. I'm always distracted when they do it too, so I'm reading answers from it mindlessly and not actually realizing they are asking the ball questions. Typical situation yesterday:

Penelope: Mom what does this say?!
Me: (I glance from computer screen to 8 ball) It says it's Likely
Penelope: So what's that mean, yes?
Me: Yes.
Penelope: OHhh nooo... my baby doll IS haunted!
Sebastian: (Screaming in fear) Ahhhhugh!

They all run around, then dramatically hide.
Penelope 5 minutes later: Mom, did it really say yes?
Me: Um, nooo. Heh, heh, I was, ah, kidding.

Me: I was just kidding, ok?
Penelope: I hope my baby doll is not haunted!!

HAHA. Oh brother! You'd think I'd learn to at least ask them what they asked it before I read it! Everett (2) calls the 8 ball an egg and says "crack!" and then throws it. How has this magic 8 ball made it through four toddlers without breaking? That is the true mystery. The toddlers have ALL thrown the thing across the room for the last 8.5 years.

This morning Penelope says our two dogs' eyes looked green and creepy. She concludes they must be aliens. The next thing I know I have a Magic 8 Ball shoved in my face.
Penelope: Mom, what does this say?
Me: It says....wait, what did you ask it?
Penelope: If Chippy and Ranger are aliens.
Me: It says to ask again later.
Penelope: They are using mind control I bet.

Kids are the BEST thing ever.
Last night Sebastian (age 4) says to his dad at the dinner table, "Hey dad, did you know time is space?"
The look on Ricky's face was priceless. I have to always remember that. 

See, this is why we want to have little kids practically forever! They are so great.

Another Good Conversation (non 8-ball related this time):
Layla: Can we get some pop rocks and soda soon?
Me: I guess so.
Layla: Cause I want to try them together...because some people say if you eat pop rocks and soda together you'll explode.
Me: Yup, okay. We can try it.
Penelope pipes in: But do it outside, okay Layla?

LOL! Ricky and I totally laugh. Good thinking Penelope. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had a big spring snow last weekend. We really want spring but take the good with the bad. Good= snow is so pretty and we can still have some fun in it. Bad= We want WARM outside time, we want to get the strawberry patches ready and some grass planted. Only 12 weeks until our NEW BABY will be here! I don't have much planting and yard work time!

Super Mom

I recently added an occupation to my Facebook profile. I already had 'Stay at Home Mom' as my job but Facebook asked me to get more specific by asking for my position at 'Stay at Home Mom.' Without thinking I instinctively typed "homemaker/awesome wife/super mom." And I've been thinking about it ever since. My husband thinks I'm awesome, and I think I'm awesome (a good portion of the time at least), and now I'm telling everyone that I indeed am awesome -and super. Awesomely super-full of myself perhaps?

 We sure are fed mixed signals about being great and feeling good about ourselves, aren't we? I was fed a healthy dose of self esteem as a grade schooler. The 'you can be anything you want, you can do anything you want, you are special, feel good about yourself' pep talks from school and parents were rampant in the 80's.  All of that self esteem building only to find out later that if we actually feel that way, if we actually have a can-do attitude, and if we actually feel awesome, we are really in a way just putting other people down, and we might be conceded. As life rolls on I've figured out that for just as many people that tell you to feel good about yourself there is a line of people that tell you to feel guilty about it --or to quit making them feel guilty because of your happiness or achievements!

 I have noticed there are lots of articles and blog posts online dedicated to the myth of the super mom; posts about how no one is perfect and about how being a "good enough mom" is good enough. There seems to be a lot of moms out there writing to inspire others to feel good about their decisions, to assure women that we are all fighting the same battle, and that as women, wives, and mothers we don't all have to be: cookie baking, elaborate party throwing, bathroom scrubbing, play date hopping, do-it-all, super moms. I think some of these articles bring a lot to the table, but at the same time some of the things people write aren't very nice. Many of these articles claim that Super Moms don't exist, that moms that seem to juggle life with a smile are fake people or lying, I have even read that Super Moms are actually bullies in disguise trying to make everyone else feel bad. So when I described my occupation as Super Mom I kinda felt bad about it. So I thought about it and I think what most moms probably don't know is that they are Super Moms! Nearly all moms work HARD, so I think moms should start acting like they are super. A mother's work is never done and being a mother is important. Remind me again what job is more important?


I get the sentiment but I still take issue with the "good enough" comment. Who wants to be a good enough mom? Or a good enough doctor? Or a good enough hair stylist? Or a good enough firefighter? I my eyes being the best you can be and being good enough are different things. One is inspiring willpower and accomplishment, the other implies a lackluster attitude and settling for less. I think we should encourage each other and our own selves to be good, even great, each in our own individual ways. No matter what there will always be someone better than all of us (someone smarter, prettier, funnier, more creative, more organized, more patient, more witty, Etc.). But everyone has the potential within them to be the best they can be and feel good about it; I think that is awesome. It is super.

We are all super in different ways.
 Okay some of us might not be super, and some should work on that. Like if you binge drink around your kids, physically or mentally harm your children, hit your partner, or if you abandon your kid or otherwise put your child in danger. In those cases you probably aren't very super mom-ish. In those cases people need to reach out for some help. Generally speaking though moms love their kids and protect their kids. There ARE cruddy moms (and people) out there but generally speaking us moms strive to care for our kids and work hard at it. I work hard at it. I work hard a being fair and being consistent. I work hard at being a good example for my kids. I work hard at having a clean house, a fun life and good kids. I work hard and sometimes I feel really awesome about it, other times I feel like it's never enough and sometimes it's totally exhausting. Sometimes I make little mistakes, sometimes I make big mistakes. What I do know is that as long as I'm trying and working hard I am accomplishing super things. I don't want to be good enough, I want to be the best that *I* can be. As long as I spend time and effort making myself a better person and show love to my family *I* feel full of awesome, and we should all feel full of awesome!

So what is a super mom?
 This is such a loaded term, and it means different things to all of us, and that's good and okay. A Super Mom to me is almost any mom really. A Super Mom is brave enough to love deeply, to try, to cry, to laugh, to be brave enough to be strong and brave enough to be weak. A Super Mom still makes mistakes and knows how to own up to those mistakes. A Super Mom comes in all shapes and sizes. A Super Mom should know that no mater what happens today that tomorrow is another day. Super Moms pace the floor with teething, crying babies and have to sometimes clean up barf at 2am. Super Moms teach kindness to their kids, Super Moms love their kids, Super Moms worry about their kids. Super Moms hold hands with their kids. Super Moms buy store bought play-doh, or make homemade play dough. Super Moms make homemade pizza, or store bought pizza. Super Moms bake from scratch brownies, or store bought brownies. Some Super Moms scrub their houses weekly and some don't. Some Super Moms wear make-up and some don't. Some Super Moms make homemade baby food, some buy it at the store. Super Moms do the best they can with what talents they have. Super Moms make the best decisions they can with the information they have. When a Super Mom makes a mistake she tries better next time.

Traits of Super Heroes
A super hero possess extraordinary powers and abilities... 
Mothers do
A super hero has a strong moral code including a willingness to risk one's own safety in the service of good without expectation of reward...
Mothers do
A super hero has a motivation, such as a sense of responsibility...
Mothers do
A super hero can have both weaknesses and limited capabilities. Super heroes can make mistakes, misjudge and can sometimes lose!
Mothers do

(WHAT? Super heroes can be weak? Defeated? Tired? On the verge of giving up? Yes, and guess what? They are still SUPER!)

I love being a Super Mom (and wife). I happen to enjoy staying home and being a traditional homemaking mother and wife. Not everyone does, but I do. I'm not super at all of it all the time, no one is super at what they do ALL of the time. But in general I feel super, happy, and accomplished at things that are important to me. I have my good days and bad days and I know everyone else does too. I shouldn't be a threat to other Super Moms for saying that I am super nor them to me. Superheros aren't comparing capes with each other and Super Moms shouldn't either. We are all full of awesome.

If you aren't a self proclaimed Super Mom, then maybe it's time you became one. Because if you are a mom and you *LOVE* your child(ren) you probably are a Super Mom in disguise. :)

And now after ignoring my children to write this I'm going to try and reclaim Super Mom feelings within myself and muster up some energy and patience to regain control of the household since my kids are fighting, one is naked, and they are all bored and complaining! Have a great day Super Moms!

Pretzel Letters, Aunt Sharon's Trash Can & Enjoying Simple Things

I was just thinking about last weekend when Ricky sat with Sebastian and Penelope and he bit the shapes of letters out of pretzels and helped them spell their names. I almost took a picture but then didn't. I take so many pictures that sometimes I tell myself not to because do I really need to record everything... and now I think I should have. They worked intently with their dad and they had a lot of fun just sitting and snacking and making letters. I found this online though and it's pretty neat and pretty much how they did it:

It's one of those simple moments in life that you just love to watch. Happiness and entertainment, family and simpleness. I soak it up.

 Last weekend was much calmer and more focused than the previous weekend, thank goodness. This week I'm tired though and wishing I'd snap out of it. I have so much to do and I'm not sure how to find the motivation. It's a lot of work running a household AND finding things for kids to do all day long. I don't always feel like I have to find them things to do but it's the end of winter and we are all crawling up the wall. (The older kids seem pretty content though, they have been working hard at school work it seems.)
 All I really want to do is paint the upstairs hallway and stairs. And maybe the kitchen. And I can not wait for the grass to turn green again. I can not wait to fix up the grass that has been ruined by run-away chickens and dogs, repair fence, plant tomatoes, do a million other things, and get ready to have a baby. We have a lot to accomplish before the baby arrives. I have no focus just a whole lotta "I wants!"

Recently I've been marveling at the simple things that entertain or excite us.

I went to Target the other day and bought a new kitchen trash can. Our old kitchen trash can is about 13 years old, like at a minimum it's that old. It was just a open white bin, standard size, old and crappy and stained/scratched up in some parts. It may have had a lid at one point, I have no idea. Eventually it was half decoupaged by me and the kids with Eric Carle pictures, to help hide how old it had become. Every time I got sick of our crumby kitchen bin I'd put 'new trash can' on the grocery list. But every time I went grocery shopping, for like two years or more, I'd reconsider it as a want and not a need because I just had too many groceries to buy for our big household and would rather save the money.
So finally this week I went to Target with a serious intent of buying a new trash can. Penelope (6) was with me and as we looked at the selection she saw one that has the push foot lever and lid. She exclaimed, "Aunt Sharon has one like this! You push it open with your foot!?" She was so cute explaining it to me. I asked her if she thought we should get it and she beamed with, "Yes, and EVERETT LOVES Aunt Sharon's trash can. He will love this new can for us!" When we got home with this trash can I kid you not at least three of the four kids that greeted us upon arrival said, "A new trash can, like Sharon's!"  Everett and Sebastian took turns throwing away things all day long. If something needs thrown away they are racing to the can. Everett being two is especially enthralled with being able to operate something with his foot, the wonder of cause and effect. He's so cute and intentional when he does it too. I wanted to take a picture of them but stopped myself. It's just a trash can I told myself. Other kids made comments about the can throughout the day, too.
 So Layla comes home from school and says hi to me as she walks past me and heads to the kitchen for a snack. Less than a minute later I hilariously hear her yell, "Mom we got a new trash can! And it's like Sharon's! I like it!"

 I just love all the fuss over a trash can. :)

 From the window yesterday I saw the dogs pawing and rolling something around on the ground, the size told me it was a round soup bone but the shape made me yell, "Charlotte I think the dog has a big egg... like a goose egg?!" Charlotte ran outside in the freezing cold and sleet with no shoes on and swipes it up and runs back inside. She cradles it in her hands and we gather around it and marvel at the huge, thick, heavy shelled wonder as if it's made of gold. I jump up and yell, "Our goose laid an egg!" Charlotte says, "Awwwwwwww, my little goose laid it's first egg!" And we are all excited for 10 or 15 minutes. Everett, the egg cracker 2.5 year old who can not be trusted with eggs ever, is begging and pleading to hold it. We help him and he softly says, "Wowww." We text Ricky a picture.

I just love all the fuss over a goose egg. :)

I thought these things pretty much sum up how simple we are. I can only wonder what other exciting things are in store for us this week!  Hahah :)
(We are having 20 bales of straw delivered soon, so I imagine that will be pretty exciting, too. And the kids will play on them.) 

Homeschool Reflections ...how far we've come and where we are going

Layla has a snow day and so far today she's watched various educational shows from Nova Science, learned about Ireland, played an online game that helps you construct a model of the human body (with focus on the digestive system), and is creating an advertisement (for a real or made up product) with the other kids. Homeschool family win! We are education focused, wholesome, and family centered. Nothing changes that. I think you can have that dynamic with a public school family as well, it's just rare because focus is easily shifted to other things and school left up to the institution. Ultimately the environment the child is raised in makes a huge difference no matter what, but from a homeschool family’s point of view I'm thrilled our household dynamic never changed. This is a common wonder/concern in families that enroll homeschool kids into public school.

The other day Layla told me all kids should go to public school. I gently reminded her that if homeschool isn't for everyone then public school isn't for everyone either. I know she agrees but she was being defiant and stubborn and argued with me. I didn't take the bait and dropped the conversation.

Today homeschooling and public school came up again and I mentioned one of the reasons I asked her if she wanted to try public school was because she was so angry when she'd ask me to teach her something and five minutes into me helping her she would suddenly get angry for no reason and storm off. It was confusing and frustrating for me. This went on for not just months but years!
 She told me defiantly, "Well yeah ‘cause learning with math blocks is BORING!" I retorted, "Yeah and you've never used math blocks in public school have you?" 

There was SILENCE and Charlotte half smiled at me knowingly and quietly. We didn't say anymore, nothing needed to be said. Layla's RARELY silent and I rarely can get the last word in with that child! But she realized for a moment that some things, many things perhaps, aren't that different when you learn them at school or home; you still have to sit and learn some things and be patient. She obviously just prefers her school, and that's okay because we like this particular school and she is thriving.

The other day something else caught her attention. I was cooking dinner and talking to the children about having good character. We started discussing what it means to be a good role model, to do the right thing and to have good character. We talked about how the way we act shapes the entire world around us, what others think of us and how we feel about others and ourselves. Having good character is important. Layla excitedly piped up, "Oh at school we have a sign in the lunch room that says character is everything!!"
I knew this -and that's why I enjoy her school. They spend time focusing on developing respectful students, and we get reinforcement of values and manners that we have already been working on at home for years! Because of this Layla is even more perceptive to our rules and our family’s character. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I really love her school.  It’s won awards, the principal is amazing, the staff down to the bus drivers and cafeteria workers are all part of the schools mission statement /goal to teach safety respect and responsibility.  

We have an understanding though, 5th grade is the cut off. Our kids aren't going to public middle school/Jr. High and it's something we made clear before she was enrolled. The very idea of segregating children in a Lord of The Flies, popularity driven environment with dwindling adult supervision and dwindling parental involvement in a media obsessed and boyfriend/girlfriend/sex crazed society...as parents we simply draw the line. Her elementary school is fabulous, but it all ends here. No exceptions. We don't agree with the moral decline of our society -and we have a commitment to raise our own children in a respectful, supervised and wholesome environment. I know what *I* learned in middle school and what a lack of supervision and direction there is. I lived in an upper class suburban neighborhood and went to a brand new pristine school that was still tainted with a society that teaches ‘teens will be teens’ and use a condom for sex, instead of don’t have sex.  Like the majority of teens I knew I looked at my peers and the media for what was acceptable social behavior. Friends suddenly become your family, at least you feel that way for a while. Sadly, no one is immune to it, so I can't predict if our kids will get horribly sucked into that culture or not. Ultimately the bad influences won out for me and it set the stage for high school years that were terribly reckless, valueless and not at all school focused. It's the reason I'm an obsessively attentive mom. I'll never let that happen to my kids. I don’t believe in the society I stand in, I don’t trust others and I take responsibility for how my kids turn out (to a certain degree anyway…at some point nature and nurture do collide and they fully become their own human being). That saying "I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my child" applies here.

Layla and I have always had a weird relationship. She's very standoffish but warms up and I have to be careful in order for our relationship to grow. The only reason she's not a raging brat with a ton of problems is her stable life and family. Ricky and I are 100% sure of it. We also have no doubt that she is not only improving and growing but she is learning trust, patience and acceptance...slowly over time...since birth. It's almost like through her I have a glimpse of my own complicated and angry self at a young age. As a child I was fraught with emotional problems and anger that was difficult to pinpoint and it haunted me from 8 until 18. I told Ricky I would not let that happen to her, and so we carefully supervise and nurture her. We give her space when needed and surround her with siblings/family and proper morals. We limit her exposure to all media (just like the rest of our kids). She seems to thrive and grow instead of get worse. Thank you, God.

Since I'm writing and reflecting about school life and kids I must write about how proud I am of our teenagers Charlotte, Sage and Ethan. I want to reflect on how far we’ve come with homeschooling/ child-led learning!  I'm really proud of how proactive they are of their education. They spend so much independent time on school work and I don't do very much in the way of planning their day out for them anymore. They have texts, workbooks, and projects, suggestions from us, computer programs and internet sites. They have the 'tools' they just have to apply the time and desire to learn. And they do. We have long told them we are not responsible for their education beyond providing them the tools and support they need. From a young age we gave them simple ideas and suggestions about what success might mean to them. We painted a picture of what lazy and unmotivated is and we strongly discouraged that kind of behavior. We provided rules but also gave suggestions for keeping busy at home and limiting things like TV, video games and procrastination. We often say 'find something constructive or meaningful to do.' It can be anything but it needs to have a purpose. Another thing I say is “live with intent.” Move your body or your minds... take care of something. It can be housework, school work, reading, playing, exercising, art, crafts, playing games with siblings, building something, journaling, knitting, gardening, nature walk, write a letter, play with siblings…whatever! But we must keep our minds busy. We must keep our bodies moving. I use their dad as an example: he has to be at work all day long; we must use our time wisely as he does and show something for our day.

We always embraced child-led learning by leaving educational magazines and books strewn about the house. We always had nature guides and maps around the house as well as snake, bird, plant and spider identifying books. One year, many years ago, we did almost nothing but go on field trips and watch brainpop.com. I'm STILL amazed at all the stuff they learned from that site (and still learn), it is pure gold! I wanted our kids to value books and the library. I wanted them to know they could learn anything; and that we didn't have to teach them, they could teach themselves. I wanted them to love to learn and to never be bored by history. I wanted them to learn arithmetic, but to choose how much math they needed in their life. I used to be worried about what they knew or didn't know but after years of studying them and their habits I realized there is no one size fits all way to ensure kids learn 100% of everything. Some kids are voraciously academic (my husband) some kids struggle (me). Sage was a “very late” reader and still isn't a real strong reader, but neither are lots of other public school kids. Ethan and Charlotte need more spelling skills, but so do a lot of public schooled adults I know. We find our strengths and weaknesses and we hone both as needed. As parents we of course guide them towards the area that show weakness so they can improve and the things they are best at they naturally build upon. Charlotte is old enough now that she can see her own weaknesses and think through what she really wants to accomplish academically. She has taken it upon herself to learn many things this year without guidance. One focus she has is to improve her math skills and prepare for college in case she wants to go. She spends hours and hours on the Kahn Academy website.  It all seriously impresses me. We teach personal responsibility and self-sufficiency but I barely realized that when we told our kids their education was up to them it was actually the ultimate test and act of personal responsibility a person could have. They log their own subject and homeschool hours and they do very well at writing everything they do down.  I’m really proud of them. 

There are still times I’m concerned, there are still doubts, and I still get completely overwhelmed about what we are able to provide them or not provide them. That’s life though. I wish we could afford more things like piano lessons; and if we had less kids we could. That doesn’t mean our kids can’t work on playing piano on their own (Charlotte does!) and it certainly doesn’t ever mean we wish we had less kids.  Same goes for private school. We were well aware that by having a big family private/alternative school would not ever be an option. I mention Sage not being a strong reader. I’m sure he’d be labeled in public school as dyslexic but since labels tend to give people an excuse instead of encouragement I never wanted him to learn that excuse. I felt like it was enough to just know –on his part and ours- that he needs extra practice and time. And he does know he has an extra hard time and we try to present it as a challenge instead of a handicap. We are all good and bad at different things. I told him SO WHAT if he is homeschooling until he’s 20. So what? So what if he can’t “graduate” and he takes time to live at home while probably working a side job while working on more language arts or math or whatever….Public school wouldn’t have given him that option. Public school would have failed him until he quit or passed him with a diploma he didn’t deserve. (I knew illiterate people in high school, it was painful to watch them struggle and it was stunning to see them graduate barely able to read.) I don’t think he’ll be “schooling” that long. I think he makes huge strides and improvements and he’s gaining confidence, but the great thing about homeschool is learning at your own pace and directing your education and yourself.

 I had to let go of a tremendous amount of fear to homeschool the kids.  “What if we make them dumb!?” I’d ask my husband.

But when does self-doubt about life ever stop? It never will truly. It will control you if you let it. This is yet another thing I’ve recently talked over with the kids; we should not fear where we are in life. Life is a ‘choose your own adventure’ book and behind every adventure there are unknown challenges, lessons and rewards. Have faith my children, for it has served our family well.

Memories, Snow, Hospital Aftermath, Honoring Each Other

For the 'ice and snow storm' that came through last week (Feb 21)) I wanted to do something more fun than our routine wintery day vegetable beef soup...so I picked Salisbury steak with homemade mushroom gravy (made with homemade beef broth), mashed taters, veggies and moist delicious chocolate cake. If there were to be homemaker rating scales I’d rate making this somewhere around awesome. Not because it’s hard, it’s not!  Mostly because it's thought to just come from a TV dinner -and I wanted to make it healthier with the classic-ness of yesteryear, but better tasting and all from scratch. So all that clearly makes it awesome.

Food never looks as good photographed, but look; it does look like tasty Salisbury steak! 

And I served mixed veggies on the side, too.

 And look here, mine beats the pants off this flashback photo:

I felt accomplished because no beef bouillon, canned soups, or gravy mixes were used. Not even canned beef broth was used, because I made that myself! (It's my thing: I want to know how to make things from scratch!) All I'm missing is that little delicious cranberry-cherry cobbler that comes with some TV dinners. Oh, how I LOVED that dessert thing when I was a young girl.

I love all the hustle and bustle and freak out of a winter storm; it’s so exciting. The store was packed when I went and I was among the masses filling my cart. I enjoy the good ol' day feel of everyone 'talk'n 'bout the weather' with anyone that'll listen. Everyone loves to chatter about a storm -it's a small town thing especially. When I talked to Aunt Sharon she told me about the ladies in the hair salon chattering about it.
 I sickeningly like being among 30 people in line and one of the 12 people crammed at the counter packing up their own groceries all at once at Aldi's. I was told by the cashier, "You should have seen how busy it was earlier, this is nothing!" I was probably a sight myself, wearing my purple snow pants as usual before any snow had fallen. I hate the cold but with my snow pant I’m fine!

  People seem to love to prepare for a snow storm. I love turning on the news when they are reporting on almost absolutely nothing in our viewing area, but Kansas however is getting 10 inches of snow in 5 hours so they have to cut into all the afternoon programing to talk about it. Then when our snow does start it’s almost never as bad as they say it might be for us, but they cover it anyway…for hours. I love it. I love my family cuddled up and playing by the window, too. I love waking up to a white world after months of yellow grass and gray sad trees. I sometimes love the house strung about with snowsuits and boots and kids with lost gloves. (It depends on the year; sometimes I don’t look forward to bundling up a houseful of kids This year it was a very welcome distraction.)

Working together, so cute!

Charlotte (16) is a great animal herder in the snow and caught the geese so we could shelter them the night it was supposed to drizzle freezing rain. They are really tolerant in the cold though.

When the storm hit Ricky was home from work by 2pm and the kids were thankfully content and easy going while I baked and cooked to my heart’s content. Charlotte kept laundry going so I could stay in the kitchen and I’m happy to report my first ever Salisbury steak attempt went amazingly well.

 Last week my blog also got love bombed! I got so many nice comments and friendly folks wishing Penelope and our family well.  Just look at Penelope in that photo at the very top, does this look like a kid that had surgery a week ago? Yes it does actually ...because kids are full of awesome. (She's the blue-eyed sweet one in all pink.)

Weekend Highlights and Hardships / And Trying to Get Back to Normal
 *Ricky and I smell something burning, we walk into the kitchen and the toaster is smoking like it's on fire. It's not on fire; it's just burning the hell out of some toast. Everett (2) is very close to it and as he yells "FIRE!" at the smoke the toast pops up. My mouth hangs open in disbelief and thankfulness that he wasn’t hurt. Without missing a beat he happily and rather loudly and proudly then exclaims, “TOAST ALL DONE NOW!”

*Everett (2) was on the table naked and he had a piece construction paper between his legs. Try as we might the kid loves streaking and it's hard to keep him off the table which is a whole other separate issue. So he's holding this paper between his legs and I see his penis making contact with the thick paper. I look at him casually and say, "Everett seriously, you're going to hurt your wiener if you don't stop it. Look see it on the paper, paper can cut you." He grins and yells, "YEE-HAW" at the very top of his lungs and trots off down the table riding the paper. Ricky and I can't hold back the laughter. Life can be so crazy, but they are so funny and free spirited.

*Sebastian (4) says: Hypno-potamus instead of hippopotamus. He also still says Dark-Gator for Darth Vader (a long time favorite of ours.) I love the things kids say.

The weekend is a time Ricky and I really look forward to. I get help with the mundane and not-so mundane kid-tasks, Ricky and I get later nights together (if we can manage to stay awake!) and longer mornings to snuggle up (a long morning to us is 20-30 minutes of being awake and snuggling --generally *almost* uninterrupted) before we have to make breakfast, break up a fight, or wipe a butt that isn't our own. Saturday and/or Sunday (but usually one morning more than the other) is a family-filled retreat of a breakfast casserole (made the day before so it just needs baked!), berries, juice and sometimes donuts or homemade coffee cake. Ricky and I take time on the weekend to have coffee together on the front porch or at the kitchen table if it's too cold out. The weekend is also a time we try and sneak in a meal alone; we prepare something for ourselves and quietly eat together before the kids get to. On weekends we don't generally go places, especially in the winter. We try to make time for games, kid-friendly documentaries, have a family movie night and/or living room picnic with the kids, and it's also the main video game time for the kids. Sometimes the weekends are really this nice and sometimes they make us question our very sanity. Last weekend was absolutely crazy.

We are trying to yet again get reorganized after yet another household disruption (Penelope's illness). As I predicted another glitch in our health and routine has shaken the very core of all sanity in our home. The older kids and Aunt Sharon and Grandma, God-bless them, made sure laundry was done and the house was clean before we got home from the hospital so really the hard part was fairly easy -keep it all up while trying to re-establish routine and as we settled into Penelope's medicine routine and home-care. Things went fairly smoothly, but she's been home 12 days and the emotional trauma rears its ugly head over and over again, a little bit for us too.

Penelope has regressed slightly since her hospital trips: clingy, whiny, needy, night waking, crying -no, make that bawling- at the drop of a hat. I expected all of it. I did not expect her pain tolerance (or lack thereof) to be so fragile. She's always been a sensitive kid (neither of my Libra children are very good with pain, in any form at all, is this a Libra trait perhaps!?)

The little kids are being weaned off TV and video games after another stint with 'mom is too busy to notice just how much we are getting away with.' Of course I notice, I just know I'll have to fix it and I wasn't ready yet. I became ready a few days ago. I notice a definite pattern in our lives when it comes to a major disruption (usually the disruption is an illness but it can be a vacation, holiday or new baby). It seems like when I'm busy TV viewing becomes more frequent and I eventually accept it and continue on doing what I need to do, same slip with homeschool. We'll go from school 4-5 days a week to 1-3 days a week. Arts and crafts frequency will slip to very little; soon we are totally out of habit and the only thing that's getting done is laundry and dishes. Unless I'm really-super busy or sick, in that case the laundry starts to pile up for about 4 days. So anyway, slowly things slip and when they do it doesn't take long for chaos to build and build and explode. Little kids get bored and they don't know what to do with themselves after television-zombification occurs. Older kids dodge some chores and homework but still do just enough to pass. Several kids forget simple household routines: like what day trash day is, how to water and feed the chickens or where the dog water bowl is (seriously is it that hard? LOL)! Or, they forget what life was like getting dressed and brushing teeth before 10am. The older kids also tend to stay up later at night, I think because they aren't as tired from structured busier days. The older kids also tend to help me more when the little kids are bored and crazy, so I feel obligated to thank them with later TV nights so they can unwind too. The older kids are awesome.

Slowly I get back into my routine and them back to theirs. I'm the leader of the pack so they follow my cues and vibe whether I crack a whip or not. (Learned this a long time ago, I used to stress out and complain at everyone when we got behind and things got crazy, now I realize I can just chill and relax, everyone will help out and get busy with gentle reminders that it's time we buck up and get back to reality!)

Weaning the younger kids off TV is a little trickier, but seriously it's ONLY four or five days of torture and crying and boredom before they settle into a new routine. I usually spend this time doing a lot of extra stuff with them. Reading, playing, art, Etc. I sit in their room and just talk and play with them for hours and I take them along with me to do chores around the house and bake. Soon the more peaceful (but never fully peaceful of course!) household dynamic is back. Soon my tv watching zombie-kids are used to independent play and structure and circle time again. (Circle time is our pre K and K homeschool time)

So that's kinda-sorta where we are.
To keep busy this week we made these fun things! Link to the Busy Kids Blog and some things we did.

Things have been more stressful for me and Ricky. I can't remember a time we've been this stressed, but I'm sure we have been. We knew my car needed work on it and I told myself I was not going to be surprised when it happened, which is probably abruptly and VERY soon. It's Ricky's car that is acting up first though. I'm still not surprised. So he's taking my car to work. Hospital bills are trickling in and it's stressful to be put so far back from paying off some other debts we thought would be GONE this year, or just to even do home improvements we desperately wanted to do. We checked on Ricky's student loans in the midst of all this, to assess the whole situation, which was a depressing mistake. This is real life though and not surprising. Two steps forward, one step back. Three steps forward, two steps back. And repeat after me: LIFE. We are using this opportunity to teach the kids that life is not always fair and balanced, so try not to be too surprised when things crumble and money is hard. It's life. Half our tax return paid for our winter heat, animals we had butchered in the fall and some other car repairs we had done last year instead of a family vacation or new to us car/van. Thank God we find a way though. Thank God we do it with a smile...mostly. We have income, we have a house, we have each other...and we try to let that be our focus.

Last weekend everything was coming to ahead and things got particularly stressful and annoying when the younger kids ran around the house like insane people. Also, Penelope needed help walking (being carried everywhere) yet again because of a seriously sore knee, and then her elbow hurt. (Her joints it seems are problems for now - considering Juvenile Arthritis. This kiddo is in “pain” so often. But pain is a relative term. How much pain is she actually in? She exaggerates and also is super sensitive. Nothing to freak out about yet but come on when is this kid going to stop having weird aches each day? It's wearing on us big time. So far the Dr. says no signs of arthritis.)

 Since I/we have been waking at night to administer meds every six hours I think I reached a breaking point on Saturday. I could feel it building. I felt exhausted, but okay, but as time wore on I felt fragile. I realized at some point I haven't had a full night sleep in a very long time. After weaning Everett in December he had *just* started sleeping without waking up and needing to be rocked back asleep when Penelope started having health issues. Life is a balance like that. One kid got easy while another got hard.

Saturday was a roller-coaster ride of insane kids and mood shifting parents. One minute I'd be stressed about money and the car and the next Ricky would. We balance each other like this. We hate seeing each other stressed or upset, so we will go out of our way to make the other one feel better. The day was wearing thin on us though. We had fun laughing at the kids for part of it and cringing at other times. Eventually Everett was throwing toys at me in the kitchen during a toddler fit and I was trying to make something for lunch and help Penelope (who couldn't walk for some unknown hurt knee reason). At the same time Sebastian was running through the house and Ricky was bringing up old clunker computers from the basement. I eventually snapped at Ricky that I didn't want the computers upstairs and that I was trying to get the kids away from the screens not get more of them, and then for an hour we were both miserably hurt by each other because I was mean and he was mean and then it turned into something about some clothes in the bedroom. His work clothes were a mess and taking over our closest and some were piled on our dresser, and while I really don't mind tidying them up it had been two weeks, and I realized all at once while dodging a toddler throwing a block at my head that I frigging just wasn't going to get to it, like ever. I lashed out about it totally randomly and snapped, "I always do _____" and he asked why it wasn't done then. And that is how fast a fight can start, except thankfully we don't really fight. We get mad or overwhelmed about something and say a few words and usually then we both just shut-up and our feelings just get hurt. I rarely cry but I did. I did the sad go-to-the-bathroom-and-hide pregnant women's 'ohhhh life is so hard' cry. He moved some clothes upstairs to our storage closet and hung up stuff that he hadn't worn but had down from the previous week. I folded clothes Charlotte washed for me and cleaned the bathroom while mascara streamed down my face. He very soon told me he was sorry he made me cry. I thanked him and said that I was sorry for my part too. And then it was over and nothing else mattered and no one was hurt. (But I cried when I saw the trashed basement later that day! lol)
 We don't play the blame game, I tried that early on in our marriage and he jarred me right out of it. I love to vent and I automatically seem to retort to blame and anger. At first this was my "language" but shortly after we were married I found his love for me ran far too deep for me to fight with him from a place of blame or anger. I thankfully realized long ago by the things he said and the way he treated me that if I was worthy of his love and honor I better act like it. I had no idea I was lacking at compromise until he pointed it out. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. This is what honoring each other means -putting the other first. Duh.
Soon I'd do anything to make him feel better and he'd do anything to make me feel better and the outcome we both wanted no matter what was/is to just love each other. I found that happiness, affection and love automatically followed without any effort when we just simply *honored* each other.

I emailed him a couple days later:
I read this and thought of when you apologized for 'making me cry' last weekend.
Honor your wife more than yourself.
Love your wife more than yourself.
Do not let her shed a tear.

Thank you for noticing my feelings and thank you for valuing them like you do. I'm sorry again that we fought and I'm sorry for my part in it, but that's all over now. What I remember is not what happened or what I felt or what we said, but how you cared about me and never want me to cry. It's not just about saying you were sorry, anyone can do that, it was how you said it. I Love You.

And here is another quote I love and live by :)
'Make your husband your hero, your home your palace, and your children your priority." -Jerry Ross

Love,
me

Another Hospital Trip: Penelope's Log

Penelope's Hospital Stay Log - pieced together from Facebook posts and a log I kept to record our experience with hip sepsis in our 6 year old daughter. Hopefully this is correct and pieced together okay, because my kids are going crazy and I d not have time to check it all that well today! I've been trying to post this for dayyys!

Day 1 Emergency Room Trip/ Surgery Right Away
2/13/13
I'm online at the hospital now so I can give frequent updates on FB now (and blogging). Family that has been calling us: You can certainty still call us, but I'll post a bunch so you can all stay in the loop here.

4pm on 2/12/13 Penelope's severe hip pain started all over again and she could not walk and was crying/screaming out in pain when touched. We brought her back to the hospital at noon on 2/13/13 to see orthopedic specialists. (I politely demanded to see orthopedics and wouldn't let anyone else examine her, because 2 weeks ago the ER was super unhelpful.) Fluid was drawn from her hip and she has a bacterial hip infection. The fluid is being cultured to see how bad/what it actually is.

Penelope had surgery at about 5:30pm 2/13/13 to clean her hip joint and have a drain tube put it. We are really doing pretty well for having our first serious kid hospital experience. Thank God Ricky made it time to the hospital to see us both.

Day 2 Recovery
2/14/13
Ricky needed to go into work. Penelope is doing well recovering and is "ok." She doesn't want to move and is very scared of the pain. She hates pain more than the average kid or person. Her physical therapist just go her out of bed (she screamed which I expected) and placed her into a kid sized wheel chair. We went down to the playroom and did some crafts. We brought more crafts back to the hospital room. She warms up and gets talkative for a while and then, and as to be expected she gets cranky for a bit too.

She needs to stay here for 3-5 days. We will be sent home with iv antibiotics for 3-4 weeks and we will get an in home nurse visits. (At least that's what they think our treatment plan is.) Depending on how she does she may need a walker at home. It look like her drain tube will get to be taken out tomorrow. She is on low dose morphine today.Family and friends that have already called and left messages thanks so much. I get teary from all the support and outpouring of love!

Fun things for Penelope: She lost her first tooth! And she just discovered how to move her own wheelchair, which she really is enjoying. She refuses to move at all so getting her active even if only in the wheel chair is a huge step! Getting her up to go pee is horrible and painful because we have to lift her, and she cries for her Daddy.

They actually pulled it out right before surgery while she was under because it was too loose to risk it falling out during surgery. I didn't want her "robbed" of her first tooth lose experience (it's ALL she talked about) so I never told her. When she discovered it missing I helped her look in her hospital bed for it until she "found it." She thinks it fell out in her sleep, which is mostly truth. :)

We were given a tooth necklace from the hospital we never showed her and saved. In it is a note from the Tooth Fairy that I wrote. "Penelope, be brave. This is for good luck. You will be better soon." She will take this with her for some more procedures today that will be hard but hopefully with Daddy here and a good luck charm she will feel better.

How I'm fairing at the hospital: It's hard seeing Penelope like this and it's stressing me out. I'm not too badly stressed though because I don't have a horrible headache -usually I would have one. But let me tell you: this pregnant mama is not going hungry. I'm eating all Penelope's leftover food we order (which is a good amount!) + my own food and snacks + any smoothies or juice she doesn't finish (she prefers water over most things). It's like I'm at an all day buffet. I also had 2 donuts (chocolate bars!) today. lol. I usually can't eat when I'm upset so I guess I'm not too upset! I am stressed though. Not sure if I normally eat when I'm stressed....but definitely eat when I'm sitting around with food near me and pregnant! 


2pm
I'm so ready for a break from some medical procedures. I'm so ready for Ricky to help with her tomorrow, because her being upset and in pain wears on me. I hate this and it's hard. If things were really horrible or she wasn't "okay" he'd be here, but he really needed to attend some meetings and conference calls today. 
4pm
Poor Ricky has tons of stuff going wrong at work and his computer crashed yet AGAIN today and it was after the tech people were closed. So now he has to go back to work in the morning to get the computer to them.
 6pm VALENTINE'S at The Hospital...
Ricky brought a Valentine's dinner to the hospital to surprise me. I was all teary! He still tried to make our evening special. We always have soft cheese, bread, and other "fancy" things for the two of us if we don't go out on V-day. Yes, I totally eat sushi, soft cheese and shrimp while pregnant. He brought sparking cider and joked that he should have gone all out and brought me champagne. LOL! The cider was SO GOOD! 

Penelope told us she'd take a picture of us, how sweet is that! Tired but in love hospital parents of EIGHT kids :) Happy Valentine's Day~ Everything is tolerable when I'm married to this man.

 

Day 3 Rough Morning! Rough Day, happy progress eventually!
2/15/13
1pm-
 Really rough morning, but things are looking better now. We had two more procedures this morning that required fasting for sedation. Ricky decided that going into work to get his computer into the tech guy was not an option and that we really need him and he wanted to be with us. The hospital was running late so that didn't help things. I was relieved to not have to deal with her crying and pain alone. Seeing the sad concerned look on Ricky's face made me feel so much less alone. When we had to leave the room for the procedures our eyes welled up a bit.

She was heavily sedated so even though it was totally traumatic getting ready for it and waking up she didn't actually feel it and doesn't remember anything. Now her hip drain tube is out and her picc line is in. Picc line is a catheter in a major vein, inserted into her upper arm, and it ends right outside her heart and delivers her med(s). It replaces the hand iv totally. It's totally creepy sounding but it is a long term iv we need her to have for various reasons. Some risks are involved but nothing we have to be too freaked out about right now. A home health aid will come to our home and monitor it and teach us how to give her medicine through it.

Coming out of sedation she was freaking out crying a bunch and dizzy, but I was able to talk her down to relax. She was angry and sad and still refusing to walk. She seemed to be in a lot of pain. After the procedures we headed back to our room. Seeing the other children here is seriously just as hard on me as seeing my own. A baby was screaming and having some produce done as we walked by and I started holding back tears. I think everything has really started wearing on me today. I feel like I'm going to bawl any moment. Penelope started crying out "Mama" and "Dada" yesterday during pain, fear and other hard times and it was heartbreaking to hear that. We noticed some regression after her 24 hour hospital stay 3 weeks ago (night waking, crying, acting younger again/talking whiny) so we are expecting some more similar situations and rough times to come up during and after this ordeal.

Anyway...We got Penelope back into bed to drink slowly and start eating slowly so as not to make her sick. After we were sure she wouldn't be sick she ate a ton for lunch and drank a ton of tasty lemonade. Now she is HAPPY!! And moving easier! She cried only a tiny bit when we had to put her on the potty then after settling into her wheelchair she started moving around in the chair and putting pressure on both feet. She is starting to make movements without knowing it. We explained to her that she needs to learn how to move herself and what works for he and she'll feel a lot more comfortable instead of her just flat out refusing to move and us having to move her. 

5pm- We met with the infectious disease people and nothing has grown from the culture, which isn't terribly uncommon unfortunately. So we may not know what kind of infection/bacteria she had. That is frustrating. They have to treat it as bacterial because of blood counts and it meets all criteria. It's super interesting learning about the testing processes and our infections disease doc likes to tell us all kinds of super technical info in ways that we understand it. She's great and we are super interested in the whole thing. They are very hopeful something might grow still. Of course I wonder "what if" she didn't need this aggressive of treatment but they have many, many good answers to that question (plus I have the internet at my finger tips to tell me it was necessary!) We also found out that there is no concern of bone infection anymore. There is no way to be sure without an MRI but there is no reason to put her through that and her antibiotic regimen should take care of everything anyway. Her bone is not soft like it would be on the end if the infection spread into it (the surgeon checked while she was opened up! uck! My poor baby!) They said something about us going home MONDAY??? NOOOOooooooo Please be it Sat or Sun PLEASE....

I was suppose to go home last night and didn't, so tonight I get out of here now and leave for a while.

Day 4 I needed that break! Home for bath and break  for me!
2/16/13
So, last night I went home alone for a break and to see the animals at home and I found the most gorgeous pink and purple flower bouquet in my car.

I cried just about all the way home; for love, for happiness, for gratefulness, for stress and for release. What a beautiful life. I enjoyed being back in the world. I had no idea how much being cooped up in the hospital wears on you. The cold air on my face outside felt good. I felt hung over with a slight headache and I was a bit dizzy.

Ricky stayed at the hospital with Penelope and she made some awesome improvements while I was away for a few hours. Physical therapy came by and made her take a step. It's like seeing your child take a step for the first time all over again. She was absolutely terrified over the past few days and said she'd never be able to walk again. To see her smile and try to move around without tears...Ricky and I just rejoice. (she is still not walking, but she took some steps and is ding some things on her own) It's been a hard few days and things are so much better today. 

Oh my goodness! They just came in while I was writing this and said we get to go home today!!!!! YAY!!!

Penelope standing for the second time alone! This change in her progress (moving a little more and her not needing pain meds) and our attentiveness and self sufficiency to care for her the entire time (nurses even said so) in the hospital lead them to release us 1-2 days early. We rock!!

 
1:30 pm Home
Settled in, happy, relaxed, relieved. Waiting for home health nurse to bring her meds and give us instructions. 
4pm This is everything we need for her noon meds! It's a lot of steps!!!! We were totally overwhelmed at first, but it's going really well. She gets 1 med at 6am, 2 meds at noon, 1 med at 6pm and 1 med at midnight. We need almost this much stuff every time. The red capped syringes are the meds, the white capped ones saline, the blue cap heparin.
 

This is the schedule and things we need for each time we administer her medicines. We use this chart to help us for the next 3 weeks, unless something changes when they check her blood work each week. Ricky made this spreadsheet for us. He is awesome! xoxo

 

Day 5 Monday 2/ 17/ 13
You've got to be kidding me...
After a really happy day full of progress on Sunday it was super disappointing and a little scary to spend 5 hours back at the hospital again on Monday. Penelope is/was in debilitating pain on the other side now (leg and knee). She endured several more exams and another x ray and sonogram. We met with orthopedic, rheumatology, and infectious disease doctors. They can't find anything else wrong so far and stand by the antibiotics she's on. Her blood work today came back looking very good, too. She ended up walking around A LOT on Sunday and all on her own so we wonder if she just over did it. She's an extremely sensitive child and the way she acts like everything is the worst pain EVER is wearing thin on us. We are SO thankful to be back home again. It's all still a bit concerning though. And exhausting!!!

Her surgical dressing (left hip) came off today and all looks good with that. It's beautifully sutured and looks like it's healing marvelously. It does not hurt her but is tender. Everett kisses her and tells her to get better. It's SO sweet. We all can't wait for our version of normal to be back. It's been a rough few months and even rougher past few days.

I was so upset and holding back tears to have to leave Everett to go to the hospital again, esp. not knowing if I'd make it home again anytime soon. Charlotte (16yrs) sent me text messages and photos of him happy, and of her doing a science kit with him to make me feel better and to show me he wasn't upset. What an angel she is. I love you Charlotte, thank you times a million for being the best sister ever to your siblings and daughter to us! xoxo

Upon my return Everett (2.5yrs) was a little grouchy about me leaving him. When I got home he looked at me cross and said, "Hop-tail." (hospital) Then he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. He has no idea what the hospital is, but he knows I keep leaving him behind.

Antibiotic regimen 4 x a day is a lot of prep work but we are doing it! While we fall behind in other areas of life, like school and routine, I am reminded that we make it up with interested kids who are learning about: medicine, human physiology, health care careers, and last but not least pulling together as a family.

Home 2/21/13
Things are much better and she's feeling much better. We have started to get back to normal, the little boys are crazy, we are all happy to be together and Penelope is walking! Her meds are going well despite a rigid regimen. I have an outpouring of love and comments from a "Love Bomb! Thank you visitors!!! How incredibly sweet and uplifting!! Thanks so very much Sara!

Baby Eight... memories and thoughts about our growing family

A New Baby is Coming!

As Everett moved from babyhood to toddler-hood we felt more and more like babies were really and truly ending for us. We felt this way with Sebastian too though...But...  -and there is always a "but" when you use natural family planning- we welcome this new baby into our hearts and home and we feel blessed and thankful for him or her. Having many, many, many children to us is just a part of our life and we embrace each baby as a gift and blessing.

The kids are completely excited and we are ready for another newborn. (We just don't think about the money, new car seats, bigger cars, teething, toddler hood meltdowns, temper tantrums, homeschooling, braces, and sleepless nights! ; ) We live in a bubble of bliss… New baby? No problem. We’ll fit the kiddo in somewhere. This is the basic attitude of big families. A lot can be solved with more bunk beds, faith, and love. Many don’t understand it, but those with big families I know seem too. 

Finding Out 
 I was afraid I'd have the morning sickness and fatigue I had with Everett.  I didn't end up that miserable thank goodness, but I was extremely whiny about the morning sickness for a little while because I just flat out gave into it. At that time I also had homeschool and toddler burn out and I just didn't feel like dealing with the added unhappiness of morning sickness. Ricky's positive and loving attitude helped so much. I didn't want to tell anyone about the baby right away because I didn't want to seem unexcited just because I didn't feel good. The news started coming out the week of Christmas but there's a lot of people that still don't know.

One night I was exhausted and ready to fall asleep. I crawled into bed and let myself sink into comfortableness. I tried to let the calm wash over me. Then I blurted out loudly, "How can this happen!? How does this happen to us??" Ricky smiled at me and scooped me up with both of his arms like a baby and said, "Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very, very much..." I laughed at his sweetness and sense of humor. The look in his eyes was so seriously loving and wise. He effortlessly accepts our life together and the craziness it brings. I absolutely love being married to him. I love how much he loves babies. With his hand to my belly he told me that I need to hurry up and 'get fatter' so he has a baby-belly to rub. If I am nervous or have doubts -I just about ALWAYS do the first three months- about having another baby or what the future could bring he always knows what to say. I want to always remember the sincerity and love in his eyes for me and our babies/kids. He has so much faith and trust. It always helps me get through the hectic morning sickness days. The look in his eyes gives me the warmest feeling. Our life will get richer with laughter and happiness even if we get poorer in our finances and deafer from children yelling, running, playing and climbing up the walls. Whatever love and happiness and hardship and stress we will have in the months and years to come we will continue do what we've always done. I always feel like we don't know what we are getting ourselves into, but it's always okay. 

June!
We are glad to have broken the fall baby streak! We have a lot of birthdays in the fall months:  two August children, two in September and one in October. The youngest kids ask constantly about this spring/summer and the baby. Everyone in the house seems to be talking about this June. Even at the dentist's office yesterday Sebastian asks me, "Mom how long until June again?" This baby has already stolen our hearts and brought meaning and joy to all of our lives. I feel like having a party when the baby is born, the kids can make and hang decorations, balloons, party poppers and a cake. I'll let them wrap some clothes, cloth diapers and baby blankets up. It will keep them busy. I think I'll have a tub of supplies ready for them for them and they can do it the day -or the week- the baby is born. Something fun they can do and plan all on their own.

Family is the essence that helps define our identity

Over the past five months I have reflected on and realized what a huge family we have created and how layers upon layers of family have started because of us. We get caught up with life, work, money and chores but don't always stop to think about what we have created as the result of our calling to have a giant family. I got to thinking about siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents...I got to thinking about when I was growing up and how I thought I had a big family (my parents are each one of four children and my dad remarried and had 5 children total (I'm the oldest of the five). Growing up I did have a big family, the biggest of anyone I knew. We had: big holidays, big picnics, big family turnouts at school plays/sports, big weddings, big Easter egg hunts, packed BBQ's. I grew up with a nice large group of brothers and sisters; someone to always love, annoy, and play with. I grew up with a handful of cousins, too. My entire extended family even likes loves to vacation together.

This realization did make me really sad though because I live 1500 miles away from most of these people, including every one of my siblings and parents. I wish we were shuffling our eight kids to family gatherings taking up lots of space and sharing good times, hard times, and love with everyone.  My sadness was filled with joy too though because even though I'm far away and wish I had my large family near us, our kids still have each other. They are growing up with a large family foundation, siblings and playmates. We do have family here too (his and mine) and that is special and wonderful in many ways but we still live a couple or few hours away from them and miss seeing them. When I think about all this I can't help but to imagine what our family will bloom into when our kids have kids, and their kids have kids. We have created a potentially monster size family that will grow into generations of love, morals and togetherness --if we did our job correctly.

The way we followed our hearts and beliefs as we were lead to have eight children is still somewhat surreal to us since we live in a society that thinks it's weird. However the enormous amount of congrats and support we receive is amazing, and from what I hear from other large families pretty unheard of. The majority of people we know care about us, believe in us, and respect us. It's truly a blessing and it means SO, so much to me. I hear from or read about other big families and so many of them have terrible stories to tell about strangers being disapproving, or even their own family members saying rude things to them about having a large family! I feel elated and blessed that I can say we have never had to go through that. Even so, each time we announce another pregnancy we do so semi-nervously. We feel happy and in love and excited in our home...and then sometimes we feel awkward and nervous about what other people think. Of course we shrug it off, of course it only ultimately matters how WE feel. If we are doing a great job and if our kids are happy and are raised in an awesome loving home... that is truly what matters. It's still sometimes weird to be the "weird ones" that have never heard of birth control or the ones that don’t know what "causes that." :)  So I wanted to write and remember how much I appreciate the support and congrats we ALWAYS get. This is our baby; it doesn't matter if a pregnancy is the first or the third to a couple -or the 15th- Our baby is OURS and we love him or her and that baby is already a part of everything we do and love.

On Thanksgiving Day the kids wrote things they were thankful for on our chalkboard. 
Before going to bed I saw our stick family selves with the words Big Family above it, complete with a belly on me and Sebastian holding a sword, and it filled me with a lot of joy.  During this time I was coming out of morning sickness, we were having a hard time with the flu and Everett was a very demanding and cranky toddler. It is inspiring to me that the kids were excited and full of gratitude during even some tough times.
 

Layla made this picture around the new year and I just love it. I couldn't believe it when she showed it to me. She worked very hard on it and there's a lot of love in it. I love how her sisters and her all have hearts and flowers on them. She wrote 'love' on her shirt and I'm touching her Dad's arm. She dates pictures herself which is wonderful. This is a family treasure I'll hang up on my wall and never take down.

We add personalized family ornaments to our tree every few years or so. This year we had to upgrade to a Christmas decoration that sits on a shelf in order to get all our names together.

Ricky gave this to me for Christmas in honor of our new baby. It says "Baby's first Christmas." I have a Santa Claus collection and every year I get a new Santa or two from family members. I teared up at how sweet and thoughtful it was! How memorable and meaningful this is!

My Grandma Wanda and Aunt Sharon brought a Christmas stocking over for the new baby on Christmas right along with the other kids'. It's not shown but it had a taped name card on it that said "New Little Baby."

 My dad sent me this email after I emailed him that I was sick, my voice was gone, and that I had a Pre-Christmas surprise --I am pregnant.

1)  Love You

2) Being sick sucks!

3) Being sick with still having Mom duties sucks even more.

4) This is the first time I have been TOTALLY surprised about your new gift from God.

5) Eight’s enough (unless its not)

6) Nine would be a baseball team

7) Ten would be TWO basketball teams

8) Eleven would be a football team

9) I am excited---- YOU having another baby seems to be the only way we get anymore grand kids

10) Get better and have a MERRRY MERRRY Christmas

11) Love YOU

A friend just sent me her copy of the newest Duggar book to read and it's the perfect timing! I'm very thankful! It's inspiring for me to read and enjoy the Duggar family after going through a lot of stress and being really cranky with the kids lately. I had just talked to Ricky about how over the past few months I started a really bad habit of taking my stress out on the older kids, grumbling at them, and being over critical of how they do things. I expressed to him the fears I had that they would grow up and be that way if I did not change. I have changed this habit dramatically over the past couple weeks and told them I was wrong to act that way and I'm sorry. Reading about the Duggars makes me feel more grounded, inspired, organized, motivated, and more thoughtful in general. We have always focused on and aspired to raise a family full of love, compassion and respect for each other as they do.

This is what I mean new little baby -you are already a person that we love. Welcome to our lives little baby, we’re so glad you’ve come to us!