Thanksgiving 2016

I stood sobbing over two bowls of marshmallow salad. It started with just two tears streaming down my face but by the time I was folding whipped topping into the fluffy marshmallows and fruit I was sobbing. Making Thanksgiving dinner is a joy to me but the stress of October lingered and Thanksgiving was starting to feel like another thing I had to do. I just wanted a shower. The kids had been wild and restless for weeks. Madeline had also been a monkey for weeks. She's so wild!
Minutes before the tears fell I yelled at Ricky for basically nothing. He irritated me about something dumb and I got snappy. He told me he wasn't going to hang out in the kitchen with me if I was going to yell at him. So then I did yell at him, "I'm not yelling at you, THIS is yelling at you!" I was feeling tired (it was nearing midnight) and I was so grumpy. (Or at this point totally pissed off.) I continued on, "And don't be in the kitchen then! I don't care because "everything's" ruined now anyway."

Sigh. Stress. Sad face.

I had a hard week, and when I really think about it, this has also been a bit of a hard year for various reasons that I don't want to spell out.

Madeline has been so demanding this week and really this month. She is into everything. All day long we chase her around. She also chases me around wanting to be held. She is very needy but so very sweet. She's not a hard baby in actuality, but she keeps us very busy. This week she's been pulling cans out of the cupboard. She's wrapped the vacuum cord around her neck. She also just wants to tear massive amounts of stuff up. She's constantly wiggling from her high chair and then standing up in her high chair. When you get her down she just climbs up the kitchen chairs and the kitchen table. She falls off the chairs regularly and yesterday she fell off the table. She basically landed head first on the wood floor. I was running over to her when it happened. In almost slow motion, before I could reach her, there she toppled feet over her head just as she peeked over the edge of the table in a squat. Insane child! Most people, the kind without nine kids, probably would have rushed their child to the hospital. After only a few minutes of crying and nursing and then a half hour of playing I gave mine a car ride to make her fall asleep.I have no idea why she STILL climbs up chairs. She falls of them frequently. Kids are amazing and resilient. The human species in general is too. Also, genetics. Ricky's head and his children's heads are like bricks! I've never seen anything like it. One time Beatrice fell out of the van while we were loading it up. She was around two and I was right next to her. She talked in full paragraphs very young and insisted I did NOT have to help her up! She toppled out on her head. She still has an actual dent on her head from it. That actually scared me very badly. The sound of head hitting black top is horrid. She was totally fine. Her head dented though! Their skulls are all part metal or brick, I'm sure of it.

Picture from December 2016 (which hasn't even happened yet because this is a NOVEMBER 2016 post, remember. lol) See, told you. She's nuts. She tries to run down the slide.

You know when someone's kid gets hurt or dies from drowning, or an equally horrible thing, and everyone lashes out at the parents and calls them the worst ever? The holier than thou parents (and grandparents) come out in hoards on online comment sections preaching about how they never take their eyes off their kids ever, and this would never happen to them. Yeah whatever. Parenting is hard and kids do stuff. Not only do accidents happen, but sometimes you have these really freaking crazy kids (like Everett the bull riding fire fighter and adventurous Madeline especially) and nearly every time you turn around they are being totally insane.

So, Thanksgiving...
I sobbed while folding the marshmallows and fruit together. The small gluten free pizza I was baking for us as a late dinner was done. I cut it and solemnly brought Ricky half. He ate quietly in the dark bedroom while he finished watching TV. Afterwards he came in the kitchen and asked me if I wanted help. I had stopped crying but started again as I blurted out, "I'm so sorry I was mean to you." Tears. Lots of tears fell as big man arms wrapped all the way around my sobbing body. He's the best. This is marriage, the raw stuff. The I'd do anything for you no matter what stuff. The best stuff: like bringing your husband pizza because he needs to eat even if you are snappy and annoyed, or offering help and giving bear hugs to your wife even when she was being the mean one. No grudges or grievances to be had.

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish..."

Does anyone really think about what "for worse" means? I didn't really. I always just assumed it meant during hard times or illness --pretty similar to the 'poorer' and 'in sickness' thing actually. Turns out it probably means more like when your partner is suddenly a grouchy jerk to you and you show them grace and humility. When we show our worst sides we need to still work towards loving and cherishing each other. (Note: This should not extend itself into abuse.)

He forgave me. He apologized. (He didn't need to.) I cried. I felt better. Release.

We finished making marshmallow salad, jello, stuffing, and pumpkin pie together until our eyes were drooping closed. We had a nice Thanksgiving. I'm always thankful for him and for who we are together. We truly bring out the best in each other.

1 year ago~ Newborn Madeline

I was pretty busy, but I finally got my shower at 2pm Thanksgiving day after everything was almost ready. I told my family that no one eats until I shower!  Barely squeezed that in!

I was very pleased with my braided pie crusts! I LOVE making homemade pie.

 We played Pie Face (kids loved it!) and ate and ate and ate.

We all ate around the kitchen table. Big family life!

Reminds me of this gem of a movie, Cheaper By the Dozen

And that's a wrap! My calendar is cleared. I am looking forward to hibernation time. Usually in the winter we stay in a lot. We hunker down like bears. So very thankful for that.

Kid Snippets: 

November 10th
Bea (3) was looking closely at the bushes and flowers outside the library....
Bea: "Mom are these flowers all out of bees?"
Me: That's so cute Bea. You know so much stuff, like how flowers are supposed to have bees on them.
Bea: Yeah cause I know everything! Just like I know about doggies in the road and old leaves and bees in flowers! Cause I am sooo big and sooo smart, too.

And so cute too! She is great. (I have no idea what doggies in the road meant! I love it though!) Picture below is outside of the library next to the flowers. Bea decided to crawl through the bike racks, Penelope is following.

Always stop to smell the flowers...and crawl through make-shift tunnels

November 7
Bea (3) a few minutes ago at 4-freaking-am...
Bea: Mom, is it almost Christmas?
Me: No honey, not yet.
Bea: Mom is it almost Christmas?
Me: No, it's almost Thanksgiving.
Bea: Mom, is it almost Christmas?
Me: No!
Bea: Mom, is it almost Christmas?
Me: Bea, NO! You've asked me four times!! Stop asking!
Bea says nothing for 10 minutes, then she says, "Mom, I talk a lot when I talk."

(Oh goodness, I LOVE HER!)

November 3
“The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things.” –Plato

November 28 

Everett age (6) loves to try to cook things in front of the space heater in the kitchen. "I want perfect ham" he tells me quite seriously as he places lunch meat in front of the heater.  It actually cooked to my surprise! He was thrilled. He's been obsessed with freezing things for years. It's actually comical. If he has two cookies he'll freeze one. He freezes milk and all kinds of things. It drives me crazy but it is also super adorable and interesting how much he loves freezing things. Now he has taken a fancy with the space heater. 

Last summer he kept trying to freeze our blackberries from our bushes. We didn't have enough to freeze though! We wanted to eat them fresh. If I wanted frozen blackberries I would buy some from Costco. He would beat us to the bushes sometimes and we'd go crazy because he'd have the ripe ones frozen already without us knowing. It's pretty hilarious even though we were also not happy he was doing it. He LOVES freezing stuff to see how it changes.

Prayers for Nepal

The loss of life, homes, and historic architecture in Nepal is nothing short of heartbreaking. I am very sad for the entire area. I hate suffering and it shakes me to my core. It humbles me every single time something horrible like this happens. These people are truly suffering.

 Yesterday I made prayer flags for Nepal with the kids.

Prayer flags are a beautiful and meaningful way to spread prayers, peace, and good wishes. They can be found hanging throughout the Himalayas. As the wind blows the flags the essence of your prayer travels. As the flags tatter the threads blow away and are carried into the world. You can make specific prayers and tailor handmade flags to a specific cause as we did, or flags can also be simply hung as a symbol of luck, peace, happiness, compassion, prosperity, health, and longevity. 

You can make your own or buy traditionally symbolic ones. The 5 colors of prayer flags represent the 5 basic elements: yellow-earth, green–water, red-fire, white-air, blue-space. Balancing these elements externally brings harmony to the environment. Balancing the elements internally brings health to the body and the mind.

Learning about geography and history works best when you can connect to the lesson in some  meaningful way. Now is a good time for us to start a unit study on the area.

It was lovely seeing the kids working on the prayer flags together. Penelope drew Mt. Everest with a rescue helicopter. When I was going through the flags admiring them that's the one that made me instantly tear up. She really gets it, and she prayed for rescue. 

It is a really great helicopter too! I thought all the flags turned out beautiful and I am proud of the kids. We pray for peace, rescue, shelter, food, helping hands, and healing.

Much love to Nepal, from a tiny blip on the map American family.

How to help: 7 vetted charities doing relief work following the earthquake

Why You Gotta Be So Mean?

People are so mean and hateful. You know what I have done, and just did do? When I see someone being attacked on FB I might occasionally stick up for them a little on the thread. But I hate drama and it's so lame. Mostly, I sent them a loving private message. I just did just that to this woman who asked a natural birth community why some people have so many kids. Her question was really genuine and she wanted to know some very specific things. Like if over population is a concern for big families (why not?), if they do it for religious reasons, if they are afraid of being alone, if they just like having kids (but still why so many), Etc. She made a very clear point to say she did not want to upset anyone or sound judgmental, and I quote, "Please don't kill me."

I mean, I understand her asking, seriously who wants 6, 8, 10 kids.... !? Not very many people! It is a very good question and a very curious question to some. Financially and physically it is a ton of work. Are we really so blind to that fact that others don't understand why a family would keep having kids? There are lots of things I don't understand because I don't live that way. I am absolutely dumbfounded when I go into the city and see city living. It looks totally bizzare to me! Why would anyone want to live in the city!? But actually I know the main answers to those questions. They are fairly clear cut: more jobs, convenience, more amenities, culture, diversity, schools...I would probably never ask someone why they like to live in the city, I probably could guess.  I would more expect some one to ask me why I like rural/country living. I wouldn't be the least bit offended. I honestly suspect most people wouldn't be offended by either question.

Well, she was viciously attacked. The hatred and meanness was unbelievable. Someone mocked her, "I'm not racist, but..." Implying that she was being judgmental/hateful and making it sound like she wasn't. Others called her a troll. She apologized profusely and explained she actually wants four kids, which is a lot where she is. (That's a lot nearly everywhere, last I checked) But why have more than four? She pondered. ...you know, because it seems like a lot of kids. She even tried to explain that she understands being the odd one no one understands because she has eight cats, and lots of people think that is weird and expects her house to smell bad. She was then trashed for comparing kids to cats. When she said she was in tears she was mocked and somebody said, "Ah she's crying, cry me a river."

My brain is seizing at this point. I hate people sometimes.

I messaged her:

People on the __________ group are out if their minds. The internet sure shows the worst of people. I am so sorry. I have eight kids and I will try and answer your questions if I find the time. I do not have the time right now, but I love to think and write about big families. I have a blog, but with eight kids it can be hard to find the time to write! Lol. Seriously, those women are being nasty and probably have nothing else to do. They are in attack mode and are acting like a pack of animals. We are not all like this, I assure you.

She says:

Thank you Shauna!
I suddenly start to cry. You're so nice right now. After all those mean things they said. I just posted an second apologie but saw that the post was removed..Things got out of hand. I really didn't meant to hurt someone. I tried to carefully write what i meant. Fortunately you understand

By the way, I believe she is foreign. Good job American women. Way to look like a bunch of horrible people. We talked some more, she is really sweet. And now I have a new friend. I love hearing her describe her cats and how that makes her weird to some, and how she feels she has to defend herself too! Fascinating. Why is it just so dang hard to love other people? Why do we have to defend ourselves so angrily? What do we have to hide, defend, or feel so angry about? Why would we not feel compassion to others, especially as they try to understand, explain, and ultimately cry? What kind of people, friends, parents, wives, or mothers are we being by acting like that, ladies?? Online I see that women are fierce, but not in the good way.

Blog title inspired by Taylor Swift.

What will we imprint on our kids today?

We all too easily forget that everything imprints upon kids in some way.
We all live our lives going through the motions of life as it happens and even though we are aware of imprinting we also forget. And life unfolds, and things happen, and kids pick up the good and the bad.

Like all parents I have those mouth drop moments when my kid says something that I never thought they would... those "I taught you better!" moments. Except sometimes I sadly realize I didn't teach them better. And that's what totally happened yesterday.

We were at the Y swimming when an older lady entered the small pool area we were in. Sebastian in very low voice (I know she did not hear him THANK you God) said, "Oh no, here comes an old person." I scowled at him and reprimanded him. I asked why he'd say such a thing or where he would have heard such a thing. And here it came... like a slap to the face, or a bucket of cold water dumped over my head waking me up, "You mom, you say 'oh no an old person' when you are driving."

Crap. I have said that. :(

I tried explaining to him that I like older people though, and I usually don't care if an old person pulls in front of me while I'm driving, but sometimes we are running late, like for example to the dentist, and that's when I say it. I told him all kinds of people drive slower than the speed limit and I should not have just picked on old people. I tried explaining that we should value all people and that I'm glad the lady, who looks like a very nice lady,  is using the pool to exercise. Unfortunately I realized in my explaining that he was not going to understand me very well at that moment sitting on the edge of the pool on a Monday afternoon. I just need to do better. I really try to not be negative or unkind and if I am negative I definitely try to be aware of how it might affect the kids and their behavior.  We don't even say "I hate ________" in our home. We encourage everybody in our home to use a better word than hate to express the displeasure of something.

This was an example of how quickly and innocently kids see the world through our eyes. They learn, absorb, and react to nearly everything. Imprinting. What a huge glaring responsibility we have as parents.

This is a great companion post to this post: Adults You Stop Bullying First

Adults: You STOP Bullying First

Dear Parents, caregivers of children, or future parents,

  This ranty letter isn't just about one kid... this is about all kids, but one kid inspired me to write it. An 11 year old tried to commit suicide by hanging himself and he is fighting for his life now. (Link at bottom of page)
He was being bullied at school. These types of stories are not few and far between. These kinds of stories are easy to find, easy to come across, and horrible to imagine. So are stories about sexual abuse among kids and teens -peers abusing each other. It happens more than anyone knows because parents are often too preoccupied to realize it. It happens more than it should because we let kids raise each other most of the week, especially from Jr. High on up.

 Childhood should be the most amazing, free, happy, transformational time of a child's life, instead it's often a constant race to survive. It's a time that many look back on with good memories...but most of us also have heartbreaking stories too. There are often various events, situations, and periods of time where we should have been protected or guided either from the bully or from being the bully.

 Socialization of children is a total joke...it's not healthy for kids to grow up with as much unsupervised alone time as they do -completely free to ridicule and treat each other however they want. Kids shouldn't be expected to know how to treat others if they aren't guided through it. Not only do they need supervision, but they need examples, and they need to be taught. We follow around three year old kids and teach them manners, basic life skills and hygiene, how to cut with scissors, and how to cross the street. We teach our four year old kids to share, how to clean up, and how to make a bowl of cereal. We teach these young tikes how to talk to adults and say thank you and to not throw fits or whine. We teach them to share and to be fair with their young friends; but soon, all too soon, we let these kids run off largely unsupervised to play with other children from families we don't even know... all in the name of "socialization." And we let them do it forever and we rarely look back. From kindergarten on many of us rarely see what kids do during the day when they are "socializing."

 Today I just wanted a type out a message to parents and the message is this: What you say affects kids. What they see, hear, and learn about... ALL types of communication you have with them and that they have with other people affects them. If you bash others, or simply just complain or harass others within earshot of children they learn it is okay to do it to other people...namely their peers. They learn communication and socialization first from you and second from others and television/radio. They learn it's funny to ridicule others. We all do it at some point, and the point of it is usually to selfishly put ourselves on a pedestal above all others. It eventually becomes a serious habit for most people. A habit most people don't even realize they have. I'm a really nice person who cares about other people, but even I realized a few years back I said things I shouldn't. I changed myself for my kids, because even though I wasn’t a mean person I still said some negative things that I wouldn’t want them to say. In our household we also quit saying the word hate. We have to find kinder and more descriptive ways and reasons for saying we dislike something or someone; we also often to try to match a positive with a negative. This humanizes people and broadens our view on things. Even politically I play fair and try to teach two sides to every opinion and that people have the right to theirs. I just feel like it makes kinder, better kids to do so.

 Please pay attention to what you say about people that like certain things. Pay attention to how you treat others. Pay attention when you say 'I hate this actor’s ugly hair', 'I hate this show', 'look at that fat person', or whatever other rude thing you hold a personal opinion or bias about. What you say and how you treat others becomes your child's world view.

 Please pay attention when you say someone looks like a slut, or they have a big nose, or they are "lazy" because they get government assistance. Pay attention when hateful words fly out of your mouth about politics. Pay really close attention to everything you say and imagine your child going up to another child and rattling off those same words.

Just pay attention.

 If you say something on purpose or accident at least have the common sense and decency to follow up your negativity with something positive like: 'Well at least variety makes things interesting, I might not like it but people have a right to be who they are." Or, "I shouldn't say that, they are people too, I will be nicer and not bully people with my opinions."

 Make new habits to NOT say things you wouldn't say to someone in person. Deep down most of us adults don't want to hurt other people; most of us do have a conscience when held accountable for our words and actions. We have to teach our kids right from wrong and that should come largely from our example.

 Our kids grow up in a world where it's funny to ridicule people: just watch TV and read celebrity news. Read anything on the internet (especially the comments on news stories or on Facebook).  You'll see just how disgusting and hateful people are. A woman posted pictures of herself surfing while pregnant and the outpouring of hate and people calling her an idiot was baffling. Another blogger posted what others thought of as too many 'selfies' and so she received hate mail and death threats, from adults! Bullying is rampant, it's bad, and it's hurting our society. People LOVE to hate, and honestly they feed on it... it's gross. It has become cool to hate on things. It has  become cool to spew on about how much people and things suck.

 Commercials, T.V., movies, radio, magazines, Internet memes...you can find hate and shame in those things daily. Our kids soak it all up and they learn to be judgmental and hateful through them, their peers, and us. We all enjoy a funny skit on Saturday Night Live from time to time, or edgy comic bit, or political meme poking fun. We all laugh at someone's expense sometimes. I'm saying to be aware of it. Ask yourself why you think it's funny to make fun of others. Ask yourself why you're laughing. Ask yourself what your child is watching.

Our kids are watching and listening more than anyone thinks.

 I just recently heard one of my kids mock something they didn't understand or even care to understand. It wasn't a big deal, it wasn't even hateful, but it was unkind and uncompassionate. I broke into an impassioned speech about being nice and kind and watching what we say and who we judge. What they mocked meant something to someone and I don't want them spreading unkindness or meanness to others. It's especially important because their younger brothers and sisters were listening to them. It was a perfect example of standing up for someone in front of my kids so that they would learn empathy. They understood when I was done, and of course hadn’t even realized they were being unkind or negative.

 So that's my message today: watch kids, guide kids, show them good examples, talk to them about bullying, ask them what kind of bullying they see and how it makes them feel, ask them if they bully. Express to your kids that we should be kind to others and stand up for others. Be the person you want your kids to be. Teach personal boundaries and sexual boundaries. Teach kids not to touch, assault, rape, harm, push, or speak badly to other people. Teach kids about cyber bullying, and monitor what they do online. Don’t just assume they will be good kids. Say the words to them. Tell them what you expect and ask them to talk to you about things they see on T.V. or from their peers. Start young and then show them by example.

 After all the effort I put into raising nice kids, many years ago one of my kids did bully someone. This was 9 years ago or so... and of course I was shocked, but I faced it head on and we talked about it in detail. Turns out they were mimicking something they saw in a PG movie geared towards kids, and they had just repeated/reenacted what they saw and they did it word for word.

Kids ARE WATCHING and learning from everything they see.

News Story:

11-yr-old Boy Bullied for Being A Brony Fighting for Life After Suicide Attempt; How You Can Help

Kids: Punishment, Shame, and Spanking

I read this: Don't Shame Children In Pursuit Of Discipline

And it's really, really good. And then a couple days later I read this: Why Aren’t We Rude to Grown-ups the Way We Are Rude to Kids? And it's really great.

Not terribly long ago I watched this: Violence - a family tradition: Robbyn Peters Bennett and it changed my life.

If you are a parent or ever deal with kids on any level I strongly recommend reading/ watching the above links. They are not that long. As a mother of eight, my oldest 17, all of those links spoke volumes to me.

The last link, a TEDx talk video, brought about full circle change in me that I had been working towards for years. It literally drained every ounce of leftover anger/frustration/impatience towards children from my body. This one video after 17 years of parenting: something REALLY just clicked. I thought I understood so many things about child development, but this really refined my understanding of what spanking really does to kids. The term I learned in this video is self-regulation. I apply it to everything my kids do now. (Too much television/screen time can harm children’s ability to self-regulate too, so I’m familiar with this concept).

 Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate! It's my favorite word. I "get" that word! I am constantly working on helping my children self-regulate now. It's my parenting mantra.

 I write about toddler and preschool challenges as a parent, particularly I've written about Sebastian because he has been the most anger filled, hard to manage, stubborn kid we've ever had. (Sage being a close second) Sebastian screams when embarrassed or upset, he hides, he thrashes, he's strong and proud, and chock full of some kind of Superman-toddler-preschool testosterone levels. Layla is the other child I've written about in detail: stubborn, moody, gloomy, and a master at debate.

I have not written much about Everett but the child is a nut. I need to write what he's up to for his (and our) amusement later in life. His name means wild boar; and my God is he ever. He's fearless, too.

I cannot change these children's personalities, they belong to them, but I can do my best to not beat them down literally or figuratively over their own personalities. I've noticed as parents we want to curb bad behavior so that we don't have "bad" kids, and that works to a certain extent, manners for example are important. But when the problem goes beyond just behavior and good manners and these kids actually have difficult personalities it's a game changer. You can't change someone's personality, it's imprinted into them. People can change themselves, but we can do very little to literally change another person.

As parents most of us barely remember what it was truly like to be a kid, and over the years of parenting (observing myself and others) I have come to the conclusion that we have to try harder --and that the trying harder thing most likely never ends.

 Every day, every month, every year I try hard in different ways and for different reasons. I try hard to do better and in the process I find better ways to talk to the kids, teach the kids, and discipline the kids without punishing or shaming them. I was not always this way; I've learned there is a better way though.

 The ONE thing I must remind myself so very often not to do is to NOT shame them, talk harshly, or judge them --even in small ways. I try to let the kids be the people they are instead of attempting to make my life easier and rush them into the people they will be one day. Ricky's really good at it. The man is gifted with so much patience it makes me drop my jaw. I have to work on it. My mood changes often, and as a fiery Aries personality my frustration and patient levels fluctuate too. My mouth is also quick to fly open; sometimes even when I'm trying hard to be patient and/or kind with the kids I'm actually being super condescending.

What has helped immensely is that I've come to realize that the stages children go through as they grow are important and purposeful. I realize that while it's interesting and easy to watch and marvel at a six month old going from sitting to crawling to standing --very important developmental milestones mind you, it's so much harder and less cute to watch kids go through some other stages. Like forgetting to brush their teeth, or forgetting putting a liner in the trash after they take it out. It's hard dealing with kids' mood swings. But, kids and teens have mood swings just like adults do! It's not cute when kids and teens juggle responsibility poorly and seem forgetful or unfocused. It's hard when toddlers: break stuff, spill things, have mood swings, have melt downs, and make bad decisions, but it's even harder when a 10, 13, 16 year old does those same things. However, it's all stuff even grown-ups do on some level or another (and learn a lot from too). It's part of human development. I get too caught up in my own life to realize it sometimes though.

The human brain isn't fully mature until 25 years old. Learning this several years ago changed the way I parented, but it continues to change the way I parent. I realized that I had done tons of research on what newborns, babies, toddlers and preschoolers needed, but not adolescents and teens. I hope I'm becoming a better mom every day to my teens. (When they read this 10 or 15 years from now I hope they see that I really am trying to be a good mom to them too, I love them with the intensity that I love the babies.)

Feature links:

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain Part 1

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain, Part 2

A funny thing is happening now that we have teens: we have to be more accountable for our parenting. Mutual respect is always important in any relationship (parents rarely realize this) but now respect is more important than ever. If I want to achieve a healthy relationship with my teens I have to nourish a healthy non-violent relationship with them. (Remember violence can be emotional or verbal in nature not just physical.)  Why do I have to be more aware of what I'm saying or how I'm saying it to my older kids? Well, because they aren't little anymore. They have: higher thought processes, better vocabulary, and more refined personality traits. They have a more refined desire to stand up for themselves, and more hormones too. This makes me wonder how many times they would have stood up for themselves if they could have when they were younger. When they were young they wouldn't resent me long if I yelled or acted poorly or judged them harshly (or spanked them!) -but they are sure as heck more likely to now.

In hindsight it's sad to think about my young children without a voice just because I'm bigger, meaner, and stronger than them. Funny... I chuckle typing that though because our four littlest kids say 'no' to us plenty right now. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying to listen to what they are saying though, instead of just reacting to them.  It seems like a lot of people don't understand the give and take, patience, sacrifice, and commitment of relationships. I know there was a time when I most definitely did not. It's not modeled to us very much. I view our society as pretty self-centered.

I'm amazed at the things I learn when I listen to my kids, really listen, instead of react. Sometimes kids do things and they don't even know why. The other day Sebastian snapped part of a Styrofoam cooler lid in half. I looked at him and he looked at me... I wanted to ask him why the 'F' he'd do such a thing. But I didn't have to ask. He's five. I looked at him blankly as the realization of what he did spread across his face. The impulse to test the lid was too great to control at that moment, but once it snapped and the impulse was fulfilled the reality set in. Everett does things like that too, except with him (a three year old) he doesn't have the high thought process of 'Mom and Dad needed this." It's more of a 'that was cool I'm totally going to do it 50 more times and defend my actions by yelling at you (or crying) when you take my fun away.'

Layla

Layla, age 9, and I have had intense power struggles (we always have) and at my husband’s suggestion I stopped engaging in them. Oh I tried in bits and pieces here and there to stop engaging in them a long time ago, but I completely stopped engaging in them more recently. I retrained my reactions to soften and I told myself to stop taking everything so dang personal. This was serious now, I had to act like an in control grown up, and actually act like the person I wanted her to be. If I couldn’t control my frustrations how could I expect her to learn too control hers? Explaining my hurt feelings and talking without reacting got my point across so much better than reacting in anger or frustration. Sometimes it seemed to fall on deaf ears though. My husband says her and I are SO much alike we crash heads in anger and want to tear each other apart. (She and I are both fire signs!)

 I learned, or rather forced myself, to talk to her and explain my side of things without expecting anything in return. This is an exercise in being very unselfish. So many times in relationships we do things with selfish intentions but so often we don't even realize it. I ask myself when I apologize to my spouse or child for a wrong doing: Am I apologizing because I want to make them feel better? Or, do I want to make myself feel better? So they can utter the word 'it's ok' therefore freeing me from my guilt or bad feelings? I have to think about this and be aware of this, and by being aware of that I have become a vastly more compassionate and unselfish person.

Back to Layla: I started having no expectations when I shared my feelings with her. She needs to hear what I have to say and then do with it what she wishes. And things have gotten better. The amount of time she stays angry has lessened. I also noticed when I don't act condescending to her she is a whole different person towards me. Hum…respect is given when it's earned? Interesting concept, eh? I just happened to have a kid that demanded more of it than usual. I’m humbled.

If you are still with me here and reading this blog post I'm guessing it's because you are looking to be a better caregiver to kids and probably the topics in the title interest you. So go watch and read those links at the top. They are simply fascinating. If you only click one thing watch the video. It changed my whole life and it's just amazing. It's a wake up call. Parenting: we're doing it wrong.

Winning a Pie Contest and Meeting Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar (Why I really do love them)

 When we arrived at the Patriot Day Rally we had a few things to get in order: pie drop off, bounce house for kids, find some food. After we got our food I was happy the table seating was taken up because I instead parked us in the grass next to where the Duggar family was signing autographs and meeting people. There was a huge line to meet them. Some of their older kids noticed us as I started spreading out blankets for kids to sit on and as Ricky and I opened chips and drinks for little kids. I often feel like a busy and satisfied mother hen tending to my chicks as I'm: wiping faces, making sure they have the food they will actually eat, helping them with this and that, patting them on the heads, kissing their cheek and laughing at them... or telling them to be good/quiet down... or to STOP fighting.

 The line to meet the Duggar family got longer and longer. I had not planned on waiting in line. I went up close to take some photos of them talking to other people. I just wanted to observe. As more of the event unfolded the Duggar clan soon took the stage leaving the line of people on hold. Their kids sang, played violins, played piano, they talked. 

 I knew our little kids were going to grow bored so we headed off to the playground after a while. Jim Bob and Michelle were telling their life story together which included the motivation behind having a large family, but I already knew some of those things. I wanted to make sure my kids didn't get burnt out and bored so I could listen in later and be there for the winning pie announcement. Sebastian is at this really frustrating (for us all) 3-4 year old screaming/angry stage. He's very independent and having trouble expressing himself and controlling his anger so I try to keep him busy and unruffled.

 We played on the playground and then played closer to the event. We played duck-duck goose, red light green light and ran round like crazies. Sebastian screamed over something, I was worried about him having a meltdown but he was okay. 

Charlotte's unbaked cherry-raspberry pie

 When it was time for door prize announcements we moved in closer. 

my unbaked apple star pie

 Yay pie contest was up first!! Third place was a peanut butter pie, second place they announced was Charlotte! To which I jumped up and down and started yelling, "This is my 16 year daughter!! She won 2nd!!" I'm sure she was thrilled at my yelling. Hahaha. Then they announced my name for 1st place. I jumped up hollering and acting like I was at a pie rodeo. I grabbed Charlotte by the arm and pulled her up to the front of the podium with me. All the while I'm yelling, "Mother-daughter won, mother-daughter won!!" at the top of my excited lungs.

                                                                  I dorked out. Totally.

And not only did they say I won but they said that my pie was exceptional. I'm so happy!

 The lady handing us our ribbons questioned me with a smile, "Wait, did you say you're mother and daughter?" I proudly did not hesitate to confirm that fact once again. When we got back to our seats in the grass some other people asked if we were mother and daughter too. It was fun. Several people thought it was so neat! We thought it was pretty great to win together. Charlotte worked so hard on her pie!

 After we collected our other prizes/ gift certificates I realized I dorked out and Charlotte was sweet and reassured me that it was okay. She's so cute :)  Aunt Sharon had met us at the rally so she got to see. She was so glad she came and didn't miss it!

 It was dark and the little kids were bored, unfortunately the other fun things closed down. We didn't get to the mechanical bull ride or rock wall climb in time. It was a bummer. We walked around the back of the stage area and ended up at the end of the line to meet the Duggar family. I stepped in line and looked at my husband lovingly and asked if we should wait after all. Charlotte was all for waiting in line and so were Sage and Ethan. Ricky said sure but we both had the obvious worry about the younger kids. He took them for a walk to see some emergency vehicles on display. I strapped Everett into the Ergo baby carrier to nurse and he thankfully fell asleep. When Ricky came back Sebastian and Penelope sat in the double stroller and looked bored but tired. It wasn't long until they started fighting, crying or doing both. It was 8pm and dark. I thought the fireworks might start and that would be the perfect line waiting activity, but we found out they didn't start until 9pm. Somehow we entertained the kids, it was touch and go for a little bit but then things were fine. There were jumbo post cards with the Duggar family on them that we could get signed. The kids met about five of the Duggar kids, they were super friendly. They talked and answered questions if you instigated the conversation. I thanked them for being so nice to sign autographs and be at the event, they said they loved it.

 As I approached Jim Bob and Michelle I gushed with a big smile and they returned it. 

 They were just as fantastically refreshed and happy looking as they were at the beginning of the event. There is nothing wrong with the picture above, but I'm telling you they look better than this. Charlotte had mentioned earlier how much younger they looked in person, and it's so, so true! They look great and younger! They beam with happiness and gratitude for their happy and content lives. They glow with love for each other. That's what first attracted me to them so many years ago. As I gushed and told them we wanted a big family and now have seven kids they were super happy for us. I totally thought they probably hear that all the time and would be like 'oh yes that's so nice dear now run along'. But it wasn't like that at all, they were interested in our kids and us! I thanked them for being an inspiration to us and that having lots of kids was something we already wanted to do but were afraid to plunge into. I said, "People think you are crazy when you have a lot of kids." Jim Bob laughed, "Well it is a little crazy." :) I laughed back, "Okay, it's actually a lot crazy, but so wonderful! They said they had to get a picture with our family which really made me happy. I wasn't going to ask but they jumped right up and joined our kids in line for a picture. I was so happy they wanted too! 

 As I introduced Ricky to both of them Jim Bob shook hands with Ricky and quipped, "There's the good guy." I can totally see Jim Bob in politics (as he has been) he's very personable and very charismatic. Jim Bob took the time to ask how old Everett was as he slept in the Ergo even though Everett had his face hidden. Michelle commented on my Ergo baby carrier. (Moms bond over Ergos!)  She said, "Aren't Ergos the best carriers, we have a few of those."

 Nicest people I've ever met. They had met hundreds of people over the past 4-5 hours and they were that nice to us. I feel like they actually looked at the people they talked to and met.

 I don't care that they believe in somethings I do and somethings I don't. I don't care they are "extreme." I'm fascinated by them and always have been. We didn't have a big family because Jim Bob & Michelle did, but it has sure made me feel better about it at times. Made me feel less alone I guess. When they look at each other I see how Ricky and I look at each other. When I hear them talk about children it's how we feel about our children. It was wonderful meeting such wonderful happy people. I'm amazed they have so many children and I'm inspired by them in various ways.

 Sometime in late 2004 or early 2005, before people knew who they were,  I caught a TLC documentary on TV called 14 kids and pregnant again. Ricky and I had four kids and wanted another couple of kids at least. So this show was a must see for me. I thought four kids was busy...I couldn't wait to see how a household of 14 ran! This show was my first TV encounter with the Duggar family and it covered lots of things I wanted to know:
Why do they only have one closet?
How much do they spend on groceries?
How much laundry do they do every day? And who does it?
How can they support such a large family?
How does each child feel about being a member of such a large family?
What do they do for fun?
Where does everybody sleep?
Do the kids ever get in fights?
How are conflicts settled?
How do you home school so many different ages?

 I recorded the show and watched it with Ricky and we found it interesting. It was the first time that I truly believed we could have more kids and be okay. Soon I heard about them on morning shows and in follow up shows on TLC. I remember telling my husband after we had Penelope, baby number five, that I had heard 'that family with the 14 kids are up to 16 kids now.' They soon became a household name in our own home. I enjoyed hearing about their new additions. I recorded their documentary style TLC shows to show our kids how their big family ran as I struggled to find our own groove and routine. As the laundry and chores at my house piled up I felt like if they could do it so could I. We were also new to homeschooling at that time. The Duggars were the first family with more than five children that I remember being exposed to. They inspired me and helped me see that we could do what we wanted to do, which was have more kids because it was what we believed in and it was the path we felt truly lead to. Their birth control beliefs struck me as especially interesting because we hold our own unique and in some ways similar beliefs as well. It didn't matter to us that they are extreme in their lifestyle. They are who they are and I enjoy the pieces that I connect with, which is really what we should do with all people. Their love and commitment for their family, their beliefs, their home and each other was and still is full of familiar and happy inspiration for me. I feel like people think they need to be exactly like each other in order to respect, embrace or admire one another. The best thing I learned in my young adult years was that this notion is totally wrong and dangerous. The saddest thing I discovered is that people love to hate each other. It's all over in our society. When I really opened my eyes to it I saw it everywhere. We all expect our children not to bully each other but our society shows adult bullying and the berating of people all of the time. It's in the news, in our own lives, in celebrity news, on TV and movies. Hate because some one is too fat or thin, too ugly or too beautiful, too outspoken, gay, because of political or religious beliefs. Hate just because. Read the comments at the bottom of news stories and opinion pieces, the hate is thick. Hate is the default emotion of 'I don't agree.' The biggest change I made over the years was to make doubly sure I didn't hate on others for who they are and that I didn't teach hate to my children. I was already teaching that to my kids but I had to make sure I was living that way. I now try hard to find the good in people, because it's there.  When I started doing that I felt more free because of it. Learning how to do that in a society of bullying and self righteousness takes realization, acceptance, self discovery and at times effort.

In a world where we aren't rallying against abusers and rapists or rioting in the streets over hungry and abused children in our very OWN country, heck in our very own communities,  I hold a lot of sadness and disappointment in people who take the time to criticize the Duggar family.

Related topics:
In Defense of the Duggars  

The Anti-bully Bullies 

The Top 10 Most Bullied Internet Celebrities People just being people, except hateful people band together and decided when people apparently aren't allowed to just be themselves.

Cyber-bullying cripples even celebrities  

Cyber / Bullying Statistics