Wibbily Wobbily Timey Wimey...Stuff: My First Baby Turned 18 and I Didn't Think I'd Cry at All

September 30, 2014 2:00 am

I finished the TARDIS cake I set out to make for a surprise for Charlotte's 18th birthday! The metallic blue frosting I found for it is mesmerizing. It looks even better in person. It shimmers. As I sat up frosting the cake at midnight I thought about how nonchalant I'm taking my first baby turning 18. I thought it was because I have so many children, I figure it is so less jarring because I am still in the thicket of babies and kids. I am also proud of myself: I had a baby, I was a young mother, and I did nothing but put her first for 18 years. I set out to raise her to be the best she can be to herself and to others. I also tried to raise her to stand up for herself when needed. As a mom I set out to make really sure she never got hurt. Children get hurt a lot in our society, and nobody seems to be doing anything about epidemic rates of abuse in children. I am amazed I raised a whole entire human being: I grew her, I kept her, I nurtured her. I wanted to nurture her soul and feed her body well, and I did. I will love her always. She's mine, but not really mine. Her DNA is a part of me. (See Mother & Child Are Linked At The Cellular Level)

I have never watched even one episode of Doctor Who. I don't watch hardly any TV. I am merely a guest amongst the chitter-chatter about Doctor Who in my house. I am totally in the dark but it's fun to hear them talk. I ask questions and they very eagerly explain. To my children's absolute uproarious laughter I mixed the two up and called The Dalek the TARDIS once. (I also called Dobby from Harry Potter 'Dobby the Shelf Elf' instead of the house-elf. My kids laugh so hard.)

Sitting there looking at the TARDIS cake in the middle of the night I suddenly acknowledged that it was a time machine and not just a blue rectangle that I was painstakingly painting in with frosting. Thoughts of space and time filled my head. Tears started to fall when I thought to myself how fitting making a TARDIS was for her 18th birthday. If I could just go back in time to hold baby Charlotte: to smell her baby head, to dress her, to picnic with her in her pop-up school bus like we used to do every day when she was two, or to see her whole head get braided on the beach in Mexico at eight and watch her freely run into the ocean.

Pop-up school bus lunch time

Young moms can be great moms and I am proof

Charlotte's First Birthday

 When she was a baby and toddler I spent countless nights promising myself to never forget her smell, her skin, her soft breath next to me. I rocked her sweetly and she slept in my room exclusively. I remember every single morning I couldn't wait for her eyes meet up with mine. I know mothering doesn't always come as naturally or as easily for some moms, but it did for me. I just loved it so much and so instantly. By night I watched her sleep, by day we picnicked, laughed, and I pushed her on swings. We went for lots of walks. We talked about having farm animals someday. We read books and literally laid under the blue sky and watched clouds roll by. I stayed home with her to suck up as much as I could. I realize now I stayed home with her as much for me as I did for her. I knew it was fleeting. Those little: newborns, infants, toddlers, preschoolers, kids. Those little hands that grab yours, and their small, heart-shaped, red-lipped mouths. The way their laughter fills the air with joy. There are endless funny things they say and so many amazing questions they ask. I love watching eyes full of first-time wonder. Kids make life make sense. I learn so much about myself by raising kids. Raising kids makes me a better person and I know Ricky feels the same. It makes me set a higher standard for myself and it makes me aware of what really matters. Even through the growing pains of childhood tears, fits, and tantrums, there are surprising rewards that come from the hard times. It sometimes seems endless but even those hard times are so full of purpose, too. If we get too caught up in how hard parenting is we could very easily miss watching them learn about things like: love, empathy, time management, communication, the world around them, and self control. There were some sleepless nights and endless messes... but they don't last. They do end.

Babies and children grow from each stage and you remember who they once were... but they change so much as they literally morph into new people. The person they were outgrows them, and sometimes we feel it as it hits us hard right in the middle of our chest. I realize now it is because that baby or child is gone. They will never be again. We miss it and it makes us sad inside. It's a weird kind of sad though. It's an amazing sad. An uplifting sad. The tears I shed are of joy, loss, pride, and growth all rolled into one. I find my breath is taken away with awe, and when I inhale again I'm filled with so much gratitude. I can't even explain how it crushes me and completes me all at once. It's overwhelming and beautiful.

I moved from the table where I was frosting the cake so I wouldn't sob all over it. I crept through the still house and found Ricky reading in bed. Ricky asked me what was wrong as the tears started to fall, I could not explain, I could only softly cry. He wrapped his arms around me tightly because he knew and I mourned for that baby girl who is now all grown up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the morning I wrote this:
She turned 18 today! Happy Birthday to the beautiful young woman I raised! I am so proud of us both, we did great. I love you Charlotte.

Oh, and She LOVED her cake. I'm a very happy momma.

Uncle Neal Died

My stomach was gnawing away at me, it told me to expect the worst. So I prepared myself. After as much medical intervention and treatment that was humanly possible my Uncle Neal died.

I never knew how awful waiting at the hospital was until we did it with Penelope last year. It's surreal. It's: uncomfortable, hard, cold, bright... and sanitized still feels dirty. Last week I escaped the hours and hours of pacing, sitting, and upright-sleeping because Uncle Neal had enough family there and I had to take care of the kids. The plan was that I/we would visit when he had healed for a few days and was up for a visit. I had cleared our schedule over the next two weeks and imagined Ricky and I taking 8 kids to visit the hospital in shifts. His recovery would be long and he'd be in the hospital for a minimum of 8 days. But he never got better. Nothing worked out like we imagined or planned as everything that could go wrong did. I carried my cell phone around with me for 3 days and each time it rang it was worse news. Mini heart attack, pneumonia, intubation, an unexpected second surgery. Every phone call I prepared the kids for what seemed like the the inevitable; he very well may die. On the morning of September 7th he died. We told the kids and we were all pretty numb. Some of us cried, some did not. Some have tears yet to come. I was numb until nightfall and then I cried. I sobbed harder when I remembered the last thing he ever said to me. Because he loved us so much and he loved the kids so much, his last words to me were "absolutely beautiful" and it was about photos of my family and new baby on facebook.

I don't know why it makes me cry so hard. They are gorgeous last words and a treasured memory I can keep... but it just makes me sob. Why do we have to love people so much, so that it then hurts so bad when they leave?

We are busy preparing for the memorial. I always notice how hard it is to deal with anything else besides our normal routine. It can be fun stuff or bad stuff, doesn't matter, but it's hard doing anything else but taking care of house or kids. Everyday is FULL of chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for kids, changing diapers, school, breaking up fights or fits, feeding animals, Etc, Etc, Etc... it's not that I'm complaining but it makes me realize how different and time consuming life is with so many kids. It's SO time consuming. I am constantly telling myself to take one-step-at-a-time because it's overwhelming. Like right now, I do not have time to finish this blog post... 

I'm at that place where it feels like the world is spinning all around me and I'm yelling for it to stop because *I* lost someone. It hurts and I want everything to go away. I don't want to go out and buy chicken feed. I don't want to deal with bills and a dental billing/insurance mistake that I made that we now owe a ton of money for. I don't want to deal with toddler meltdowns. I don't want to look at the calendar. I don't want to deal with a 9 year old who is angry and defiant and hiding every feeling she possibly could about her great uncle's death. I do not want to deal with the fact that we have fleas and now obvious flea resistant medications for the animals (dogs now treated with meds that are working, cats still not though). I have too much to do, too much to think about and school is supposed to have started for us. We're supposed to be having piano lessons and bowling and enjoying our new Science Center membership. I'm supposed to be planning Penelope's birthday party. And this week were were supposed to be bringing cheer and hand drawn artwork from kids to Uncle Neal's hospital bedside. So in other words: everyone and everything should stop everything and clear the floor for me so I can be woefully sad and profoundly grouchy. During the day I'm numb but okay as we all are going through the motions of life and prep for Wednesday, by each nightfall I want to use the F word and I get so mad at nearly everything. Then I cry.

Layla and I have been at each others throats since Uncle Neal died and I now realize it's because she's hurting too. She's not crying, she's angry and she's being defiant and mean and hiding her pain. :(  To make things more painful she didn't get to go on her annual float trip with Uncle Neal this year because he was too sick. She also missed the last trip out to see him because she was in school. Horrible. She seems a little more at peace today. It's all going to hit us harder when we get to the family resort tomorrow.

 Poor, poor sweet Charlotte has to try not to cry because her wisdom teeth are still healing and she has a ear ache because of it. We are afraid her ears will clog up from crying.


 On the morning I told Penelope that Uncle Neal died I didn't know what to expect. She blinked her little blue eyes and I thought she was going to cry -and she almost did. She stared blankly at me and optimistically and ever so sweetly said said, "Well, you have to get to Heaven somehow. Right mom?"

Days Go By, Family, & How Nurturing Children and Their Experiences Might Alter Family DNA

I can't seem to get everything written that I want to, not even close, not even a little bit.

Days are filled with laughter and craziness. Days are filled with hilarious children and also screaming children. Days are filled with fun and also hard work. Days are filled with stress and also peace. Days are filled with boredom and excitement, laundry, and an army of hungry kids. Days and nights are filled with nursing a hungry, sweet, bright eyed baby. (I'm in total awe of her and I smell and kiss her all of the time. It's as if I've never had a baby before. I just look at her totally amazed she came from *us.*) Days are filled with temper tantrums --both mine and the kids'. Days are filled with appreciation for many blessings, and days are filled with too much to do.

I wish I could remember all of the things I wanted to write over this past week...or three. But I at least remember laughter and silliness, I remember hilarious kids, I remember family time, I remember Penelope's excitement and fabulous joy as she discovered she can touch the pool bottom now --and swim without floaties. I remember a lot of love and friendship between family. I remember thinking to myself...it's always been this way in my life, whether I knew it at the time or not. What a blessing.

I remember wanting to write about the simple lovely images I tried hard to burn into my mind last week... my grandma cutting watermelon, my aunt who made cupcakes for the kids to decorate, the kids playing games, the refreshing swimming pool, Aunt Sharon cooking up a storm, Aunt Holly's wit, good company and helpfulness, Echo's helpful and friendly presence. We look forward to July every year. I want to hold onto those memories because the years seem to roll on too fast and it scares me.

As I watched the kids playing and visiting with family I looked on and carefully listened as our aunts, uncles, and grandma talked and played with the kids. Even the youngest ones are allowed to help cook and water plants when they ask. I notice they bring the kids along to feed the hummingbirds or let them have the hose to water plants and many other things. The children are included so much in everything we all do. It was this moment I realized that I was destined to be a good mother, I didn't know it at age 7 or 12 or 16 ... but I was destined to be a loving person, and I was destined to be happy. I believe it is because of my family. When children are shown love and joy they carry it with them.

Including the youngest kids in the simplest things, talking to them, and spending time with them teaches an important lesson: be kind to children. I notice that when I'm stressed, short tempered, or angry at the younger kids in our household the older kids act that way to them too. When I'm calm,  respectful, patient and sensitive to them and I treat them like the innocent small human beings that they are the older kids act the same.

I watch the whole cycle start again as Charlotte (16) patiently takes Everett (2) with her to gather eggs and feed the chickens. My Aunt Sharon used to take me to feed my Grandma's chickens at that age.

Charlotte lets Penelope 'be on her team to play 'big kid games' even though it takes longer and Penelope might make “wrong” choices. Penelope feels special and has so much fun. Sage and Ethan also include the younger kids in far more things and are far more patient than I could have imagined.

I vividly remember being on grown up 'teams' when I was young, even when the game didn't require teams. It's one of the nicest and inclusive things you can do for a child; make them feel important and equal and 'big.' I didn't tell her to include Penelope, she just did. It's just what you do in a family: include, love, enjoy. I'm lucky to have had a long line of nurturing family members with various talents, interests, hobbies...all with a wild and wacky sense of humor and love of children.

Then I look at my husband: patient and nurturing, kind and honest. He's hardworking, humble and unselfish. Just like his parents.

 As I wrote this blog post this fascinating article came across my desk "Grandma's Experiences Leave a Mark on Your Genes" 
I'll be sharing it with my children. We tell them all the time how various things we do can help or hurt babies and kids.

According to the new insights of behavioral epigenetics, traumatic experiences in our past, or in our recent ancestors’ past, leave molecular scars adhering to our DNA. Jews whose great-grandparents were chased from their Russian shtetls; Chinese whose grandparents lived through the ravages of the Cultural Revolution; young immigrants from Africa whose parents survived massacres; adults of every ethnicity who grew up with alcoholic or abusive parents — all carry with them more than just memories. 

"...our experiences, and those of our forebears, are never gone, even if they have been forgotten. They become a part of us, a molecular residue holding fast to our genetic scaffolding. The DNA remains the same, but psychological and behavioral tendencies are inherited. You might have inherited not just your grandmother’s knobby knees, but also her predisposition toward depression caused by the neglect she suffered as a newborn.  Or not. If your grandmother was adopted by nurturing parents, you might be enjoying the boost she received thanks to their love and support. The mechanisms of behavioral epigenetics underlie not only deficits and weaknesses but strengths and resiliencies, too."

 I've long known that excessive crying is not good for babies.

Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16 

Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times. 

         Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful

 Science tells us that when babies cry alone and unattended, they experience panic and anxiety. Their bodies and brains are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol stress hormones. Science has also found that when developing brain tissue is exposed to these hormones for prolonged periods these nerves won’t form connections to other nerves and will degenerate. Is it therefore possible that infants who endure many nights or weeks of crying-it-out alone are actually suffering harmful neurologic effects that may have permanent implications on the development of sections of their brain? Here is how science answers this alarming question:Chemical and hormonal imbalances in the brain
Research has shown that infants who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as lower growth hormone levels. These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system. 5, 9, 11, 16
Researchers at Yale University and Harvard Medical School found that intense stress early in life can alter the brain’s neurotransmitter systems and cause structural and functional changes in regions of the brain similar to those seen in adults with depression. 17
One study showed infants who experienced persistent crying episodes were 10 times more likely to have ADHD as a child, along with poor school performance and antisocial behavior. The researchers concluded these findings may be due to the lack of responsive attitude of the parents toward their babies. 14.
Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times. 6
Dr. Allan Schore of the UCLA School of Medicine has demonstrated that the stress hormone cortisol (which floods the brain during intense crying and other stressful events) actually destroys nerve connections in critical portions of an infant’s developing brain. In addition, when the portions of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional control are not stimulated during infancy (as may occur when a baby is repeatedly neglected) these sections of the brain will not develop. The result – a violent, impulsive, emotionally unattached child. He concludes that the sensitivity and responsiveness of a parent stimulates and shapes the nerve connections in key sections of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional well-being. 7, 8
Decreased intellectual, emotional, and social development
Infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings at an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, concluding that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.”
Researchers have found babies whose cries are usually ignored will not develop healthy intellectual and social skills. 19
Dr. Rao and colleagues at the National Institutes of Health showed that infants with prolonged crying (but not due to colic) in the first 3 months of life had an average IQ 9 points lower at 5 years of age. They also showed poor fine motor development. (2)
Researchers at Pennsylvania State and Arizona State Universities found that infants with excessive crying during the early months showed more difficulty controlling their emotions and became even fussier when parents tried to consol them at 10 months. 15
Other research has shown that these babies have a more annoying quality to their cry, are more clingy during the day, and take longer to become independent as children 1.
Harmful physiologic changes
Animal and human research has shown when separated from parents, infants and children show unstable temperatures, heart arrhythmias, and decreased REM sleep (the stage of sleep that promotes brain development). 10 12, 13
Dr. Brazy at Duke University and Ludington-Hoe and colleagues at Case Western University showed in 2 separate studies how prolonged crying in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. They concluded that caregivers should answer cries swiftly, consistently, and comprehensively. (3) and (4)

1. P. Heron, “Non-Reactive Cosleeping and Child Behavior: Getting a Good Night’s Sleep All Night, Every Night,” Master’s thesis, Department of Psychology, University of Bristol, 1994.
2. M R Rao, et al; Long Term Cognitive Development in Children with Prolonged Crying, National Institutes of Health, Archives of Disease in Childhood 2004; 89:989-992.
3. J pediatrics 1988 Brazy, J E. Mar 112 (3): 457-61. Duke University
4. Ludington-Hoe SM, Case Western U, Neonatal Network 2002 Mar; 21(2): 29-36
5. Butler, S R, et al. Maternal Behavior as a Regulator of Polyamine Biosynthesis in Brain and Heart of Developing Rat Pups. Science 1978, 199:445-447.
6. Perry, B. (1997), “Incubated in Terror: Neurodevelopmental Factors in the Cycle of Violence,” Children in a Violent Society, Guilford Press, New York.
7. Schore, A.N. (1996), “The Experience-Dependent Maturation of a Regulatory System in the Orbital Prefrontal Cortex and the Origen of Developmental Psychopathology,” Development and Psychopathology 8: 59 – 87.
8. Karr-Morse, R, Wiley, M. Interview With Dr. Allan Schore, Ghosts From the Nursery, 1997, pg 200.
9. Kuhn, C M, et al. Selective Depression of Serum Growth Hormone During Maternal Deprivation in Rat Pups. Science 1978, 201:1035-1036.
10. Hollenbeck, A R, et al. Children with Serious Illness: Behavioral Correlates of Separation and Solution. Child Psychiatry and Human Development 1980, 11:3-11.
11. Coe, C L, et al. Endocrine and Immune Responses to Separation and Maternal Loss in Non-Human Primates. The Psychology of Attachment and Separation, ed. M Reite and T Fields, 1985. Pg. 163-199. New York: Academic Press.
12. Rosenblum and Moltz, The Mother-Infant Interaction as a Regulator of Infant Physiology and Behavior. In Symbiosis in Parent-Offspring Interactions, New York: Plenum, 1983.
13. Hofer, M and H. Shair, Control of Sleep-Wake States in the Infant Rat by Features of the Mother-Infant Relationship. Developmental Psychobiology, 1982, 15:229-243.
14. Wolke, D, et al, Persistent Infant Crying and Hyperactivity Problems in Middle Childhood, Pediatrics, 2002; 109:1054-1060.
15. Stifter and Spinrad, The Effect of Excessive Crying on the Development of Emotion Regulation, Infancy, 2002; 3(2), 133-152.
16. Ahnert L, et al, Transition to Child Care: Associations with Infant-mother Attachment, Infant Negative Emotion, and Cortisol Elevations, Child Development, 2004, May-June; 75(3):649-650.
17. Kaufman J, Charney D. Effects of Early Stress on Brain Structure and Function: Implications for Understanding the Relationship Between Child Maltreatment and Depression, Developmental Psychopathology, 2001 Summer; 13(3):451-471.
18. Teicher MH et al, The Neurobiological Consequences of Early Stress and Childhood Maltreatment, Neuroscience Biobehavior Review 2003, Jan-Mar; 27(1-2):33-44.
19. Leiberman, A. F., & Zeanah, H., Disorders of Attachment in Infancy, Infant Psychiatry 1995, 4:571-587. 

Kids & Their Fun

I hear happy screaming outside...and more of it, and more of it again. It's loud and it's all four of the littlest kids. I wonder what's going on but I don't really want to know, because it at least sounds happy. They laugh, they squeal, they scream, and Sebastian is yelling, "YEAH WE NOT SCARED!" Then Penelope yells something similar, then the screaming starts again. I wonder if they have the hose out and they are drenching each other. Then a little while later I hear, "Let's tell mom Everett found an egg!" I greet them at the porch steps as they run to me.

Everett had found a guinea hen egg, no biggie. I didn't feel like wrestling it from him, he can have it as long as he keeps it outside. I ask and find out that the screaming is because they are running in and out of the goose and guinea pen and the geese are mad and angrily hissing at them. The geese are SUPER protective right now because they are sitting on a clutch of eggs (that are way past due for hatching, they are now presumed infertile and need to be taken away). The geese look down right frightening I'm telling you! Once in a while the geese will flail about and come towards us in a threatening way but they don't give chase, these aren't typically a breed that chase people.

The kids continue their game..."YEAH WE NOT SCARED!"

The whole thing is making me laugh. This is the stuff childhood is made of. 
 
Soon Everett intentionally broke his egg on a mini play slide and they squawked about it so I told them all to wash the slide with the hose. Of course they all got wet and made a water slide out of the situation. I'm so cranky from a series of prior events that I can hardly see then fun in this. It's cold water and not a hot enough day and I'll have to dry them off and clothe them all over again. I think it will be only a matter of minutes before Everett is crying from the cold water. I need to make dinner and mop the kitchen floor. Everett hurt me with the weed eater today.* Everett has been teething molars and crying for four days. I don't feel sleepy-tired but I'm so worn out. My debit card is missing. I wanted to clean the bathroom 2 days ago...

I feel rather Scrooge McDuck about the whole water-play thing. 

Bahh kids and their "fun"

  I'm shaking my head as if I don't understand kids at all ...but then I crack a half smile anyway. This is the stuff childhood is made of…and cranky grownups like me should let kids have their fun anyway. 

Later the kids file into the house sopping and muddy, with grass stuck to them asking for a hot bath. Even they were surprised at the mud and grass left behind in their bathwater.
~~~

So, it’s been a rough four days in toddler-land. Everett is teething molars and is a bear to handle. I think he also had a touch of a cold but I’m not sure. A couple kids had mild diarrhea and couple kids a mild cold over about a 3 days span, it was strange but thankfully all is good now. However, four days of screaming toddler fits left me totally wrung out. Kids that are angry when they don't feel good are SO hard! I wish he just wanted to lie around while I held him; instead he wants to burn the house down and throw oatmeal. Today we made cinnamon (biscuit) donuts and play dough. I tried to get motivated to get housework done but I really just wanted to be outside.

*The Weed Eater

 I love yard work/gardening/the outdoors. Every summer I say that if I had to get a job I’d want to do yards. I really truly enjoy it and I enjoy mowing! Last weekend was rainy and we didn’t get any of the weed eating done that Ricky had planned on so I decided I’d tackle the front myself.  I hate loading the weed eater string. It’s a total pain. The weed eater is a nice new electric one though, which is SO MUCH EASIER to run than the old gas one we had. I still haven’t mastered the string though. It’s always been extremely frustrating to me that I can’t load a weed eater.

 While I was trying to reload the string Everett came up to me and grabbed the weed eater. I told him to let go and to stop but of course he didn’t. I never thought in one hundred years he’d place his fingers over the safe-start button lock and the trigger at the same time and start the dang thing up. It’s not terribly hard to do, but it’s still a fluke he did it. Leave it up to a toddler to figure out something dangerous in literally 7 seconds time. I should have removed the battery before doing the string, lesson learned now. He started up the weed eater as it rested on my pregnant belly; all the parts I was trying to insert into the head flew out of my hand and the string whipped my shirt/belly. I threw the thing away from me in one swift motion. I hollered at Everett and told him how dangerous that was. I sat him down inside and he cried a little bit. Being "in trouble" is short lived when you are a toddler however, since you have severely selective emotional recall and very little concept of cause and effect. I lifted my shirt to see a red whipped belly and one small cut that was red and trying to bleed. I felt so sad and frustrated. I watched Everett toddle back outdoors by himself as my eyes welled up with tears. I wasn’t really hurt, but it still hurt. I didn’t like that it was my pregnant belly, I didn’t like that it could have hit my face, I didn't like that I should have been in a safer place away from a toddler in the first place (for him and I both). I think my feelings were hurt too! Also since I couldn’t get the string in right I was giving up and presumably because of being pregnant and extra sensitive I just wanted to sob. I've never seen the 1992 film 'A League of Their Own' but I thought about the famous line from it and replaced it with, "There is no crying in lawn maintenance!" I gathered myself up and showed Everett the mark on my belly and he kissed my belly and said “sorry mama.”  He’s a sweet little guy like that --usually! Ricky called me later and I told him what happened, he felt bad for me and was concerned. THAT made me feel better; a little genuine concern and sympathy for the emotional pregnant lady from the hubby = gold. :) Ricky came home and helped me finish up the yard and now it's pretty. The grass is green and things are looking good. Spring feel SO good.

Other Weekly Tidbits I want to save for memory sake:
Serious Sebastian
While talking about skydiving Sebastian (4.5) dead seriously told me and Charlotte that, "Parachuting is more dangerous if you don't have a parachute." We chuckled and told him he was right. He sensed we weren't taking him seriously enough and even more DEAD seriously and wide-eyed he followed up with, "It is. It really is. In real life, it is dangerous!"

We were dying. It was SO cute and funny.

Hammocks
Layla(8) told me this wonderful gem of a story. She was in the hammock out back relaxing when she said out loud to herself, "Ahhh this is the life!" Everett (2) within earshot toddled up and rudely kicked her out of the hammock. He climbed on in and said, "Ahhh life!"

You know you have a big family when...
Layla(8): How many people are in the bath right now?
Me: Three
Layla: Oh man. I wanted to get in.

Toddler Fun
I asked Everett (2) to 'show me my sweet boy.' He looks at me, hugs me with big arms, and smiles...then he wipes his nose on his shirt. I say playfully, "You have boogers do you!?" He says, "Mama booger boy!!" and points to me cheerfully. LOL. He's mama's booger boy now. Too funny. :)

Locked Out 
Sebastian, Penelope, Layla and I were waiting for Layla's bus outside and Everett (2) locked us out. He was laughing at the door! I had to walk into the muddy, wet goose and guinea pen with bare feet and throw rocks at Charlotte's window to wake her and tell her we were locked out. She laughed at us (I would have too!) I was also armed with a shovel because Mr. T the male guinea started trying to chase me around the pen lol. To much excitement for one morning. Coffee and breakfast now I guess. And I need to wash my feet.

Our Wild Boys
Everett takes two butter knives out of the dish washer and starts karate chopping high into the air and making a ruckus like a total insane maniac, then he chucks them down the basement stairs. I look at Sage and say, "Do you really hope this new baby is a girl too?" Sage totally laughs and says, "Yeah, we have enough boys right now." LOL! :) 

 

When Birthdays (and parenting) Are No Fun

  I'm wondering if there is a short version of telling about how my birthday was. I think I want to talk about it but I’m not entirely sure. I had zero expectations for my birthday. Last year was a super amazing birthday complete with a Levee High Caramel Pie ($40 worth of serious pie heaven), a dainty French oyster bar / cafe, doting husband, perfect kids, light gardening and a bunch of other fabulous-ness. This year I figured would be just a birthday; plain and sweet not too unlike other birthdays. There would be cake, ice cream, some family fun; nothing big but still special and happy in our own fun way. Ricky HAD to work this year, which is no biggie. I know he wanted to stay home and I never expect him to stay home even though he generally tries to take his birthday and my birthday off and usually he is able to.

 I decided since I’d been putting it off I should get my blood drawn first thing in the morning on my birthday. (routine thyroid check) It’s so not a big deal to me, needles don’t bother me in the least and it’s a quick stop at the lab down the road. Since I’d been putting it off I thought I should make myself DO IT because making time to take care of myself seemed to be a good and meaningful thing to do on my birthday. The other thing I had been putting off was a trip to the chiropractor so I did that too (and went last year on my b-day too). Penelope went with me and we had some fun one on one time and we stopped at the store. I found amazing deals on raspberries, red grapes, wisteria, hostas and some flower bulbs –all of which were starting to leaf out or sprout and looked really healthy with lots of promise for this year. I took it upon myself to treat myself to as many plants as we bought groceries. I felt entitled because it was my birthday LOL. Oh, and we had to get a second cart for little Penelope to push cause we found some roses bushes on sale too.  It was my birthday! I deserved it. Penelope thought it was a hoot that mom had gone a little insane. I’m glad we had fun because it was nearly the only fun thing that happened all day. 

 Later back at home we needed to get some beds made and the upstairs vacuumed for guests to spend the night. Sharon, Grandma, and Jason were getting back into town and got in late from the airport so they were crashing here in the middle of the night. I soon discovered the children who reside upstairs, who are supposed to take care of the upstairs, hadn’t really been.  I should have been checking up on them the past few weeks but I’m lazy about going up there (I hate stairs! It’s horrid how much I hate walking up the stairs LOL). Also, I’m picky so I feel like if I avoid the upstairs I won’t nag on their housekeeping skills. But atlas I went up and I nagged. I bitched. I complained. I was unhappy. I won’t go into detail here. It’s not like they were living in squalor, I know I’m picky they know I’m picky so that’s an issue I TRY to curb sometimes. However there were things I asked them to do, and that they are supposed to keep up on that they flat out didn’t do, and even some things they just said they did and they simply hadn’t. So I was stressed and upset, and the little kids were fighting and it just wasn’t fun at all. 

 At some point the little kids were bickering and making me nuts and then Sebastian (4) hurt Penelope (6) really bad.  Ultimately he dragged her by the hair and kicked her. She was hysterically choking and holding her throat and gasping for air over the whole ordeal and I flipped out. I quickly swatted him and then stopped myself. (I’m against spanking, it’s not up for debate, it’s simply wrong to hit people of any age but sometimes I slip and have to stop myself. Controlling or disciplining people/kids with force is a powerful reaction that many struggle with and I do too at times.)

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 Then I locked him in the basement-playroom area for his own safety because I could feel how angry and scared I was over him hurting her. Anger scares me. I often think 'how can some one be so angry that they hurt or kill a child', yet it happens ALL OF THE TIME. I'm not afraid I'm a monster like child abusers are, but anger still scares me -and when I get angry I struggle with regaining control and teaching my kids control through a good example. 

So he’s crying and I’m telling him through the door that I cannot let him out because I want to spank him and hitting is wrong and what he did was horrible and wrong and I don’t know what to say to him or do so he needs to stay in the basement/playroom and I'll talk to him in a minute. We have a basement door-lock chain so he’s talking/crying at me through the chain. Around now I helped Penelope and Everett get into a bath because they have chocolate and dirt all over them and they asked for a bath. Sebastian calmed down a little bit and I joined him in the basement and told him we can go upstairs together, I switched laundry I started to cry a little as I saw him walk up the basement steps. I wiped my tears and grabbed clean laundry to fold only to find at the top of the stairs Sebastian had locked me in the basement. I explained to him through the door chain that I need him to open the door... but he’s actually nowhere in sight, as far as I can tell anyway. I start sobbing that I’m just trying to take care of everyone and that he can’t lock me in the basement because I’m the one who has to do the laundry and cook and help everyone, and the kids are in the bathtub…and who else is going to take care of everyone…Even if he thinks I’m a mean mom I’m the only one that can help everyone and to please let me out…

 I’m crying because the overwhelming guilt, exhaustion and selflessness that comes with parenting complied with being angry at him for hurting his sister so bad... and he locked me down there because he’s copying what I did to him. Great role model mom. (Ricky reminded me later that he's actually locked the door on lots of people he's been mad at and it's not like I gave him the idea, but I digress.) I could not muster up even an ounce of anger over him locking me in the basement. All I had was remorse, remorse for I don’t know what –I wasn’t and am not sorry I locked him in "time-out"; he needed to be in a safe place and it was only for a couple minutes. I guess it was remorse for just the whole day falling apart before my eyes, how did it go so wrong? I used the other basement door that leads outside and tried the house doors, everything was locked. Everyone was upstairs or in the bathtub. I tried tapping on the bathroom window to get Penelope’s attention but the screen wouldn’t let me make contact with the glass. I tried throwing rocks at upstairs windows and no one could hear me. I started ringing the doorbell frantically. I had blood-red puffy eyes from crying and black mascara streaming down my face (the ugly cry!) and I realized Layla’s school bus might pull up any second to a crazed sobbing mom in the middle of the yard.  Finally Sage heard the door and let me in. I looked at the clock and was wrong about the bus; it wasn’t due for an hour. Sebastian hid under the dining room table and I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him and we both needed to mellow out. Eventually we talked and I told him he needed to stay in his bedroom to play until Daddy got home and he pretty much did.

 I got flowers delivered that my Uncle Neal had picked out for me and they ARE STUNNING! I love them and they brighten the whole house and made me happy. They were a refreshing and sweet distraction. 

At some other points throughout the day or afternoon:

•  Everett dumped a half a bag of dog food all over the porch. Just for fun.
• Everett threw a stack of playing cards in my face (I think it was slightly unintentional to hit me in the face..? Unsure.) 
• I found that no one had watered the poor chickens.
• I made the kids’ favorite dinner not mine. Everyone left the kitchen and no one helped clean up afterwards.
• I had no time to make a cake.
• Everett came inside and dumped dirt from the sandbox on the living room floor after I had just vacuumed the hard wood. So I cried again.
• I had the little kids eat dinner outside so I wouldn’t have to clean up rice in the kitchen (kids and rice = such a pain!) and the result was even more disastrous. Drinks were spilling, rice was all over some kids, and Sebastian even had rice stuck to the bottom of his feet!?!
• My husband literally came home to a sobbing mess!

 Ricky got home and started helping me clean up rice and I burst into tears which made him feel bad for me. He wanted to ground the older kids when he saw me doing the dinner dishes on my birthday while he picked up rice, but I told him not to because I had nagged at them about the upstairs and I felt bad for it. He said it was too bad -it was them who didn’t do the things they were supposed to do the last 3 weeks upstairs, but he let it go because I was upset and I said that since they help me so much USUALLY with the little kids they should get a pass. 

 Ricky had brought me some of my favorite food as a surprise but I couldn’t eat it, I was too upset (I enjoyed it later and was very thankful).  He told me he tried to bring me my favorite pie in the whole world but the bakery was closed by the time he got there, and he even left work a little early. It was so thoughtful of him! And you know what? I apologized 3x to him that the bakery was closed. Like what is that about? Like that’s my fault too? But I felt bad for him because he tried to do something nice for me that didn’t work out and I felt bad I was a blubbering pregnant overwhelmed mess when he got home. He tried to make me feel better but I just wasn’t up to it yet and so I started cleaning the bathroom so I could hide. When I got the shower sprayer down to rinse the tub out I lost my grip and accidentally sprayed myself in the face. My face and bangs were soaking wet. So I started to cry, again.
I started thinking it's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

 I had planned on having ice cream on cones when all other desserts fell flat but decided since the day went so horrendously that I didn’t want anything and nobody was getting anything either.  So we told everyone no birthday treats. (We actually had a fudge pop after lunch so that helped lesson the sting. If we hadn’t had that the little kids would have started a revolution, I’m pretty sure.)

 Ethan made me a birthday card that was the sweetest thing ever in the history of the world saying he was sorry my day didn’t go very well, or as planned at all, and that him and the other two older kids were working on getting the upstairs done correctly. In the picture he drew a pretty room with a table and pie and cake and rug, chair and lamp. He said he knows I like the house nice so here is a pretty & clean room he drew. I wanted to burst into tears but I held them back because I didn’t know if he’d understand. I wanted him to see me smile and love his card not sob at it. I love that kid.

 All of this stressful overwhelming stuff can happen any day for almost any reason, the stress just happened to come falling down on my birthday. I don’t think I was any more a basket case or upset because it was my birthday and I expected something different. It just happened --and it just happened to be on April 4^th.

 Once we got everyone to bed only an hour later Everett woke up and cried and cried for a half hour because he had to go pee but was too tired and emotional to go. Finally we got him back to sleep and salvaged a few minutes to snuggle and kiss before I fell asleep exhausted. The new baby kicked me in my ribs all night and I enjoyed the reassurance of life growing inside me along with Ricky’s sleeping body wrapped around me and my round baby-belly.

The next morning the sun came up, the kids smiled, Ricky and I smiled at each other ...life went on. Sebastian had an early AM dentist appointment to fix a tooth and it went great and easy. On our early dentist outing we got some alone time together and giggled and had fun together and of course talked about anger control. Back at home we all got to visit with Sharon and Grandma and they had brought Dunkin’ Donuts over. I very much enjoyed a sprinkle donut and coffee and all felt right again in my world. The day was warming up and the kids were all happy. The house was clean. As the sun warmed the ground I dug in the dirt, cleaned out flower garden beds, I pruned two peach trees and blackberry bushes. I felt whole and happy again. The little kids played and ran around me and after I gave them their lunch I went to check on them and found they had moved off the porch and they were instead huddled up on a play structure/slide picnicking together.

Happiness is sometimes only a day away. 

Memories, Snow, Hospital Aftermath, Honoring Each Other

For the 'ice and snow storm' that came through last week (Feb 21)) I wanted to do something more fun than our routine wintery day vegetable beef soup...so I picked Salisbury steak with homemade mushroom gravy (made with homemade beef broth), mashed taters, veggies and moist delicious chocolate cake. If there were to be homemaker rating scales I’d rate making this somewhere around awesome. Not because it’s hard, it’s not!  Mostly because it's thought to just come from a TV dinner -and I wanted to make it healthier with the classic-ness of yesteryear, but better tasting and all from scratch. So all that clearly makes it awesome.

Food never looks as good photographed, but look; it does look like tasty Salisbury steak! 

And I served mixed veggies on the side, too.

 And look here, mine beats the pants off this flashback photo:

I felt accomplished because no beef bouillon, canned soups, or gravy mixes were used. Not even canned beef broth was used, because I made that myself! (It's my thing: I want to know how to make things from scratch!) All I'm missing is that little delicious cranberry-cherry cobbler that comes with some TV dinners. Oh, how I LOVED that dessert thing when I was a young girl.

I love all the hustle and bustle and freak out of a winter storm; it’s so exciting. The store was packed when I went and I was among the masses filling my cart. I enjoy the good ol' day feel of everyone 'talk'n 'bout the weather' with anyone that'll listen. Everyone loves to chatter about a storm -it's a small town thing especially. When I talked to Aunt Sharon she told me about the ladies in the hair salon chattering about it.
 I sickeningly like being among 30 people in line and one of the 12 people crammed at the counter packing up their own groceries all at once at Aldi's. I was told by the cashier, "You should have seen how busy it was earlier, this is nothing!" I was probably a sight myself, wearing my purple snow pants as usual before any snow had fallen. I hate the cold but with my snow pant I’m fine!

  People seem to love to prepare for a snow storm. I love turning on the news when they are reporting on almost absolutely nothing in our viewing area, but Kansas however is getting 10 inches of snow in 5 hours so they have to cut into all the afternoon programing to talk about it. Then when our snow does start it’s almost never as bad as they say it might be for us, but they cover it anyway…for hours. I love it. I love my family cuddled up and playing by the window, too. I love waking up to a white world after months of yellow grass and gray sad trees. I sometimes love the house strung about with snowsuits and boots and kids with lost gloves. (It depends on the year; sometimes I don’t look forward to bundling up a houseful of kids This year it was a very welcome distraction.)

Working together, so cute!

Charlotte (16) is a great animal herder in the snow and caught the geese so we could shelter them the night it was supposed to drizzle freezing rain. They are really tolerant in the cold though.

When the storm hit Ricky was home from work by 2pm and the kids were thankfully content and easy going while I baked and cooked to my heart’s content. Charlotte kept laundry going so I could stay in the kitchen and I’m happy to report my first ever Salisbury steak attempt went amazingly well.

 Last week my blog also got love bombed! I got so many nice comments and friendly folks wishing Penelope and our family well.  Just look at Penelope in that photo at the very top, does this look like a kid that had surgery a week ago? Yes it does actually ...because kids are full of awesome. (She's the blue-eyed sweet one in all pink.)

Weekend Highlights and Hardships / And Trying to Get Back to Normal
 *Ricky and I smell something burning, we walk into the kitchen and the toaster is smoking like it's on fire. It's not on fire; it's just burning the hell out of some toast. Everett (2) is very close to it and as he yells "FIRE!" at the smoke the toast pops up. My mouth hangs open in disbelief and thankfulness that he wasn’t hurt. Without missing a beat he happily and rather loudly and proudly then exclaims, “TOAST ALL DONE NOW!”

*Everett (2) was on the table naked and he had a piece construction paper between his legs. Try as we might the kid loves streaking and it's hard to keep him off the table which is a whole other separate issue. So he's holding this paper between his legs and I see his penis making contact with the thick paper. I look at him casually and say, "Everett seriously, you're going to hurt your wiener if you don't stop it. Look see it on the paper, paper can cut you." He grins and yells, "YEE-HAW" at the very top of his lungs and trots off down the table riding the paper. Ricky and I can't hold back the laughter. Life can be so crazy, but they are so funny and free spirited.

*Sebastian (4) says: Hypno-potamus instead of hippopotamus. He also still says Dark-Gator for Darth Vader (a long time favorite of ours.) I love the things kids say.

The weekend is a time Ricky and I really look forward to. I get help with the mundane and not-so mundane kid-tasks, Ricky and I get later nights together (if we can manage to stay awake!) and longer mornings to snuggle up (a long morning to us is 20-30 minutes of being awake and snuggling --generally *almost* uninterrupted) before we have to make breakfast, break up a fight, or wipe a butt that isn't our own. Saturday and/or Sunday (but usually one morning more than the other) is a family-filled retreat of a breakfast casserole (made the day before so it just needs baked!), berries, juice and sometimes donuts or homemade coffee cake. Ricky and I take time on the weekend to have coffee together on the front porch or at the kitchen table if it's too cold out. The weekend is also a time we try and sneak in a meal alone; we prepare something for ourselves and quietly eat together before the kids get to. On weekends we don't generally go places, especially in the winter. We try to make time for games, kid-friendly documentaries, have a family movie night and/or living room picnic with the kids, and it's also the main video game time for the kids. Sometimes the weekends are really this nice and sometimes they make us question our very sanity. Last weekend was absolutely crazy.

We are trying to yet again get reorganized after yet another household disruption (Penelope's illness). As I predicted another glitch in our health and routine has shaken the very core of all sanity in our home. The older kids and Aunt Sharon and Grandma, God-bless them, made sure laundry was done and the house was clean before we got home from the hospital so really the hard part was fairly easy -keep it all up while trying to re-establish routine and as we settled into Penelope's medicine routine and home-care. Things went fairly smoothly, but she's been home 12 days and the emotional trauma rears its ugly head over and over again, a little bit for us too.

Penelope has regressed slightly since her hospital trips: clingy, whiny, needy, night waking, crying -no, make that bawling- at the drop of a hat. I expected all of it. I did not expect her pain tolerance (or lack thereof) to be so fragile. She's always been a sensitive kid (neither of my Libra children are very good with pain, in any form at all, is this a Libra trait perhaps!?)

The little kids are being weaned off TV and video games after another stint with 'mom is too busy to notice just how much we are getting away with.' Of course I notice, I just know I'll have to fix it and I wasn't ready yet. I became ready a few days ago. I notice a definite pattern in our lives when it comes to a major disruption (usually the disruption is an illness but it can be a vacation, holiday or new baby). It seems like when I'm busy TV viewing becomes more frequent and I eventually accept it and continue on doing what I need to do, same slip with homeschool. We'll go from school 4-5 days a week to 1-3 days a week. Arts and crafts frequency will slip to very little; soon we are totally out of habit and the only thing that's getting done is laundry and dishes. Unless I'm really-super busy or sick, in that case the laundry starts to pile up for about 4 days. So anyway, slowly things slip and when they do it doesn't take long for chaos to build and build and explode. Little kids get bored and they don't know what to do with themselves after television-zombification occurs. Older kids dodge some chores and homework but still do just enough to pass. Several kids forget simple household routines: like what day trash day is, how to water and feed the chickens or where the dog water bowl is (seriously is it that hard? LOL)! Or, they forget what life was like getting dressed and brushing teeth before 10am. The older kids also tend to stay up later at night, I think because they aren't as tired from structured busier days. The older kids also tend to help me more when the little kids are bored and crazy, so I feel obligated to thank them with later TV nights so they can unwind too. The older kids are awesome.

Slowly I get back into my routine and them back to theirs. I'm the leader of the pack so they follow my cues and vibe whether I crack a whip or not. (Learned this a long time ago, I used to stress out and complain at everyone when we got behind and things got crazy, now I realize I can just chill and relax, everyone will help out and get busy with gentle reminders that it's time we buck up and get back to reality!)

Weaning the younger kids off TV is a little trickier, but seriously it's ONLY four or five days of torture and crying and boredom before they settle into a new routine. I usually spend this time doing a lot of extra stuff with them. Reading, playing, art, Etc. I sit in their room and just talk and play with them for hours and I take them along with me to do chores around the house and bake. Soon the more peaceful (but never fully peaceful of course!) household dynamic is back. Soon my tv watching zombie-kids are used to independent play and structure and circle time again. (Circle time is our pre K and K homeschool time)

So that's kinda-sorta where we are.
To keep busy this week we made these fun things! Link to the Busy Kids Blog and some things we did.

Things have been more stressful for me and Ricky. I can't remember a time we've been this stressed, but I'm sure we have been. We knew my car needed work on it and I told myself I was not going to be surprised when it happened, which is probably abruptly and VERY soon. It's Ricky's car that is acting up first though. I'm still not surprised. So he's taking my car to work. Hospital bills are trickling in and it's stressful to be put so far back from paying off some other debts we thought would be GONE this year, or just to even do home improvements we desperately wanted to do. We checked on Ricky's student loans in the midst of all this, to assess the whole situation, which was a depressing mistake. This is real life though and not surprising. Two steps forward, one step back. Three steps forward, two steps back. And repeat after me: LIFE. We are using this opportunity to teach the kids that life is not always fair and balanced, so try not to be too surprised when things crumble and money is hard. It's life. Half our tax return paid for our winter heat, animals we had butchered in the fall and some other car repairs we had done last year instead of a family vacation or new to us car/van. Thank God we find a way though. Thank God we do it with a smile...mostly. We have income, we have a house, we have each other...and we try to let that be our focus.

Last weekend everything was coming to ahead and things got particularly stressful and annoying when the younger kids ran around the house like insane people. Also, Penelope needed help walking (being carried everywhere) yet again because of a seriously sore knee, and then her elbow hurt. (Her joints it seems are problems for now - considering Juvenile Arthritis. This kiddo is in “pain” so often. But pain is a relative term. How much pain is she actually in? She exaggerates and also is super sensitive. Nothing to freak out about yet but come on when is this kid going to stop having weird aches each day? It's wearing on us big time. So far the Dr. says no signs of arthritis.)

 Since I/we have been waking at night to administer meds every six hours I think I reached a breaking point on Saturday. I could feel it building. I felt exhausted, but okay, but as time wore on I felt fragile. I realized at some point I haven't had a full night sleep in a very long time. After weaning Everett in December he had *just* started sleeping without waking up and needing to be rocked back asleep when Penelope started having health issues. Life is a balance like that. One kid got easy while another got hard.

Saturday was a roller-coaster ride of insane kids and mood shifting parents. One minute I'd be stressed about money and the car and the next Ricky would. We balance each other like this. We hate seeing each other stressed or upset, so we will go out of our way to make the other one feel better. The day was wearing thin on us though. We had fun laughing at the kids for part of it and cringing at other times. Eventually Everett was throwing toys at me in the kitchen during a toddler fit and I was trying to make something for lunch and help Penelope (who couldn't walk for some unknown hurt knee reason). At the same time Sebastian was running through the house and Ricky was bringing up old clunker computers from the basement. I eventually snapped at Ricky that I didn't want the computers upstairs and that I was trying to get the kids away from the screens not get more of them, and then for an hour we were both miserably hurt by each other because I was mean and he was mean and then it turned into something about some clothes in the bedroom. His work clothes were a mess and taking over our closest and some were piled on our dresser, and while I really don't mind tidying them up it had been two weeks, and I realized all at once while dodging a toddler throwing a block at my head that I frigging just wasn't going to get to it, like ever. I lashed out about it totally randomly and snapped, "I always do _____" and he asked why it wasn't done then. And that is how fast a fight can start, except thankfully we don't really fight. We get mad or overwhelmed about something and say a few words and usually then we both just shut-up and our feelings just get hurt. I rarely cry but I did. I did the sad go-to-the-bathroom-and-hide pregnant women's 'ohhhh life is so hard' cry. He moved some clothes upstairs to our storage closet and hung up stuff that he hadn't worn but had down from the previous week. I folded clothes Charlotte washed for me and cleaned the bathroom while mascara streamed down my face. He very soon told me he was sorry he made me cry. I thanked him and said that I was sorry for my part too. And then it was over and nothing else mattered and no one was hurt. (But I cried when I saw the trashed basement later that day! lol)
 We don't play the blame game, I tried that early on in our marriage and he jarred me right out of it. I love to vent and I automatically seem to retort to blame and anger. At first this was my "language" but shortly after we were married I found his love for me ran far too deep for me to fight with him from a place of blame or anger. I thankfully realized long ago by the things he said and the way he treated me that if I was worthy of his love and honor I better act like it. I had no idea I was lacking at compromise until he pointed it out. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. This is what honoring each other means -putting the other first. Duh.
Soon I'd do anything to make him feel better and he'd do anything to make me feel better and the outcome we both wanted no matter what was/is to just love each other. I found that happiness, affection and love automatically followed without any effort when we just simply *honored* each other.

I emailed him a couple days later:
I read this and thought of when you apologized for 'making me cry' last weekend.
Honor your wife more than yourself.
Love your wife more than yourself.
Do not let her shed a tear.

Thank you for noticing my feelings and thank you for valuing them like you do. I'm sorry again that we fought and I'm sorry for my part in it, but that's all over now. What I remember is not what happened or what I felt or what we said, but how you cared about me and never want me to cry. It's not just about saying you were sorry, anyone can do that, it was how you said it. I Love You.

And here is another quote I love and live by :)
'Make your husband your hero, your home your palace, and your children your priority." -Jerry Ross

Love,
me