Kids: Punishment, Shame, and Spanking

I read this: Don't Shame Children In Pursuit Of Discipline

And it's really, really good. And then a couple days later I read this: Why Aren’t We Rude to Grown-ups the Way We Are Rude to Kids? And it's really great.

Not terribly long ago I watched this: Violence - a family tradition: Robbyn Peters Bennett and it changed my life.

If you are a parent or ever deal with kids on any level I strongly recommend reading/ watching the above links. They are not that long. As a mother of eight, my oldest 17, all of those links spoke volumes to me.

The last link, a TEDx talk video, brought about full circle change in me that I had been working towards for years. It literally drained every ounce of leftover anger/frustration/impatience towards children from my body. This one video after 17 years of parenting: something REALLY just clicked. I thought I understood so many things about child development, but this really refined my understanding of what spanking really does to kids. The term I learned in this video is self-regulation. I apply it to everything my kids do now. (Too much television/screen time can harm children’s ability to self-regulate too, so I’m familiar with this concept).

 Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate. Self-regulate! It's my favorite word. I "get" that word! I am constantly working on helping my children self-regulate now. It's my parenting mantra.

 I write about toddler and preschool challenges as a parent, particularly I've written about Sebastian because he has been the most anger filled, hard to manage, stubborn kid we've ever had. (Sage being a close second) Sebastian screams when embarrassed or upset, he hides, he thrashes, he's strong and proud, and chock full of some kind of Superman-toddler-preschool testosterone levels. Layla is the other child I've written about in detail: stubborn, moody, gloomy, and a master at debate.

I have not written much about Everett but the child is a nut. I need to write what he's up to for his (and our) amusement later in life. His name means wild boar; and my God is he ever. He's fearless, too.

I cannot change these children's personalities, they belong to them, but I can do my best to not beat them down literally or figuratively over their own personalities. I've noticed as parents we want to curb bad behavior so that we don't have "bad" kids, and that works to a certain extent, manners for example are important. But when the problem goes beyond just behavior and good manners and these kids actually have difficult personalities it's a game changer. You can't change someone's personality, it's imprinted into them. People can change themselves, but we can do very little to literally change another person.

As parents most of us barely remember what it was truly like to be a kid, and over the years of parenting (observing myself and others) I have come to the conclusion that we have to try harder --and that the trying harder thing most likely never ends.

 Every day, every month, every year I try hard in different ways and for different reasons. I try hard to do better and in the process I find better ways to talk to the kids, teach the kids, and discipline the kids without punishing or shaming them. I was not always this way; I've learned there is a better way though.

 The ONE thing I must remind myself so very often not to do is to NOT shame them, talk harshly, or judge them --even in small ways. I try to let the kids be the people they are instead of attempting to make my life easier and rush them into the people they will be one day. Ricky's really good at it. The man is gifted with so much patience it makes me drop my jaw. I have to work on it. My mood changes often, and as a fiery Aries personality my frustration and patient levels fluctuate too. My mouth is also quick to fly open; sometimes even when I'm trying hard to be patient and/or kind with the kids I'm actually being super condescending.

What has helped immensely is that I've come to realize that the stages children go through as they grow are important and purposeful. I realize that while it's interesting and easy to watch and marvel at a six month old going from sitting to crawling to standing --very important developmental milestones mind you, it's so much harder and less cute to watch kids go through some other stages. Like forgetting to brush their teeth, or forgetting putting a liner in the trash after they take it out. It's hard dealing with kids' mood swings. But, kids and teens have mood swings just like adults do! It's not cute when kids and teens juggle responsibility poorly and seem forgetful or unfocused. It's hard when toddlers: break stuff, spill things, have mood swings, have melt downs, and make bad decisions, but it's even harder when a 10, 13, 16 year old does those same things. However, it's all stuff even grown-ups do on some level or another (and learn a lot from too). It's part of human development. I get too caught up in my own life to realize it sometimes though.

The human brain isn't fully mature until 25 years old. Learning this several years ago changed the way I parented, but it continues to change the way I parent. I realized that I had done tons of research on what newborns, babies, toddlers and preschoolers needed, but not adolescents and teens. I hope I'm becoming a better mom every day to my teens. (When they read this 10 or 15 years from now I hope they see that I really am trying to be a good mom to them too, I love them with the intensity that I love the babies.)

Feature links:

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain Part 1

Parenting and the Amazing Teen Brain, Part 2

A funny thing is happening now that we have teens: we have to be more accountable for our parenting. Mutual respect is always important in any relationship (parents rarely realize this) but now respect is more important than ever. If I want to achieve a healthy relationship with my teens I have to nourish a healthy non-violent relationship with them. (Remember violence can be emotional or verbal in nature not just physical.)  Why do I have to be more aware of what I'm saying or how I'm saying it to my older kids? Well, because they aren't little anymore. They have: higher thought processes, better vocabulary, and more refined personality traits. They have a more refined desire to stand up for themselves, and more hormones too. This makes me wonder how many times they would have stood up for themselves if they could have when they were younger. When they were young they wouldn't resent me long if I yelled or acted poorly or judged them harshly (or spanked them!) -but they are sure as heck more likely to now.

In hindsight it's sad to think about my young children without a voice just because I'm bigger, meaner, and stronger than them. Funny... I chuckle typing that though because our four littlest kids say 'no' to us plenty right now. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying to listen to what they are saying though, instead of just reacting to them.  It seems like a lot of people don't understand the give and take, patience, sacrifice, and commitment of relationships. I know there was a time when I most definitely did not. It's not modeled to us very much. I view our society as pretty self-centered.

I'm amazed at the things I learn when I listen to my kids, really listen, instead of react. Sometimes kids do things and they don't even know why. The other day Sebastian snapped part of a Styrofoam cooler lid in half. I looked at him and he looked at me... I wanted to ask him why the 'F' he'd do such a thing. But I didn't have to ask. He's five. I looked at him blankly as the realization of what he did spread across his face. The impulse to test the lid was too great to control at that moment, but once it snapped and the impulse was fulfilled the reality set in. Everett does things like that too, except with him (a three year old) he doesn't have the high thought process of 'Mom and Dad needed this." It's more of a 'that was cool I'm totally going to do it 50 more times and defend my actions by yelling at you (or crying) when you take my fun away.'

Layla

Layla, age 9, and I have had intense power struggles (we always have) and at my husband’s suggestion I stopped engaging in them. Oh I tried in bits and pieces here and there to stop engaging in them a long time ago, but I completely stopped engaging in them more recently. I retrained my reactions to soften and I told myself to stop taking everything so dang personal. This was serious now, I had to act like an in control grown up, and actually act like the person I wanted her to be. If I couldn’t control my frustrations how could I expect her to learn too control hers? Explaining my hurt feelings and talking without reacting got my point across so much better than reacting in anger or frustration. Sometimes it seemed to fall on deaf ears though. My husband says her and I are SO much alike we crash heads in anger and want to tear each other apart. (She and I are both fire signs!)

 I learned, or rather forced myself, to talk to her and explain my side of things without expecting anything in return. This is an exercise in being very unselfish. So many times in relationships we do things with selfish intentions but so often we don't even realize it. I ask myself when I apologize to my spouse or child for a wrong doing: Am I apologizing because I want to make them feel better? Or, do I want to make myself feel better? So they can utter the word 'it's ok' therefore freeing me from my guilt or bad feelings? I have to think about this and be aware of this, and by being aware of that I have become a vastly more compassionate and unselfish person.

Back to Layla: I started having no expectations when I shared my feelings with her. She needs to hear what I have to say and then do with it what she wishes. And things have gotten better. The amount of time she stays angry has lessened. I also noticed when I don't act condescending to her she is a whole different person towards me. Hum…respect is given when it's earned? Interesting concept, eh? I just happened to have a kid that demanded more of it than usual. I’m humbled.

If you are still with me here and reading this blog post I'm guessing it's because you are looking to be a better caregiver to kids and probably the topics in the title interest you. So go watch and read those links at the top. They are simply fascinating. If you only click one thing watch the video. It changed my whole life and it's just amazing. It's a wake up call. Parenting: we're doing it wrong.

Going Out, Penelope as the Oldest, Toddlers, Seasons...

I took the younger kids to the botanical garden today while the older kids are all at Six Flags with family. I felt very crazy taking 4 kids all 6 and under. Charlotte said I'm not crazy, just brave!

I'd never been there before and did not know what to expect. Today was a free kids day to celebrate the founder's birth-date, and it was really quite lovely. I had no idea the children's garden was that incredible! The kids and I played and had many, many great adventures! I want a membership now. (Pricy though compared to our other memberships) Beatrice slept tucked away in her carrier on my chest. And a fellow mom and blog follower of mine, who I hadn't met before, spotted me and said hello to me!!! It made my day! I'm a mini-mom-celebrity --lol ;) She is a kind and cute mama and I hope I meet her again.

Penelope (6) was amazing and stepped up as the oldest child. She pushed the stroller, held on to Everett, took him on slides and helped me in anyway she could. She naturally began to fill the role of the oldest child the minute we left the house. It was precious. I hadn't expected it at all. She watched Everett like a hawk! It's bittersweet seeing these kids grow up. I'm glad we have so many, I swear it mostly makes the days go by slower. Everett's been two FOREVER. We're pretty much ready for him to get older! LOL. He's a nut! One day though you wake up and they are 10, 12 or 16...and you realize that perhaps it's not going as slowly as you thought. Layla will be 9 in a week... and a couple weeks later Sebastian will be 5. Penelope 7 in October. You know what Penelope does to make me crazy and afraid? She constantly asks or tells me how old she will be when Beatrice is 5 or 10. And how old she will be when Everett's 5 or 10. It's freaking me out!! The worst is when she asks me how old Charlotte will be when she is Charlotte's age. Ahhhhhhhh ;)

Anyway, I'm glad I decided not to waste this beautiful day indoors. I have a goal to get out more with the kids this fall, last year was our most 'at home' year and we didn't go on as many adventures or filed trips as we usually do. I felt really bad about it but I really just didn't have it in me. I felt overwhelmed, and not just with kids either. I often felt like we had so much to do at home. It didn't help things that at the time Sebastian was a real challenge, he gets bored easily and doesn't hang out at classes/field trips very easily. I think he's changing a little bit finally. He is also a bit of a recluse and he doesn't have an easy time communicating/playing with others outside his family. Now that's he's learning more self control it's time I try to introduce him to new situations and people again. Likewise a few months ago Ricky and I noticed Everett didn't know how to act in public. He was not doing well in grocery stores and I quickly realized it was because I'd do all my shopping and errands while he was at home with Charlotte. So Ricky and I started taking him along with us every time so he could get out more. He's still an average 2 year old in the store, but his patience and understanding while out has totally changed for the better! He's learning simple things like waiting in line means we are almost done and we have to wait in line in order to leave. He learns how we communicate and talk to people we know and don't know. We talk about and see all kinds of things. Time spent out of the house, even if it's only doing mundane tasks, is so good for kids. As an adult it's easy to get preoccupied and rush through the day --but when I slow down and show him the world around him he gets quality time and life experience. Slowing down also teaches me to be a better mother. Lately I've been trying to balance home responsibilities with a newborn and fun; in August we add school to that equation. It's been a good month for it since we have had tons to do and lots of family in town --I feel like it's practice for the fall. Sometimes I get too obsessed with running the household that I forget to make time for getting out of the house! We have a list of things we'd like to do this fall and we plan on going to the library every week again. So far Beatrice is a good car rider! Yay for that! If she tuens into a difficult car rider we'll be stranded all fall! So I hope that doesn't happen. (In the winter we stay home a lot.) My kids say I'm a hibernating bear. I love how at the beginning of a season I want it to last forever:
--the sweet smell of spring, planting, mowing, rain, muddy kids, renewal
--the warm fun of summer, swimming, the river, vine ripped tomatoes, making pickles, picking peaches
--the crisp air of fall, the colors, making scarecrows, pumpkins, Halloween, thankful, cinnamon, apples
--the family essence of winter, Christmas, decorating, snow, baking, crafts

As each season passes we welcome another.
~~~
I wrote down this cute conversation this morning in regards to the kids going home with Sharon after Six Flags:
Penelope to Sebastian: The big kids got to spend the night at Aunt Sharon's!!
Sebastian: I don't care.
Penelope: YOU DON'T?
Sebastian: I only care if they get to spend the night at Six Flags.
Penelope: But, Layla?
Sebastian: I don't care about the boys spending the night at Aunt Sharon's. But I do care Layla spends the night. 
~~~`
I have a list of things I need to do before September and it's growing rapidly. When I have a list of things to do I generally add fun stuff to the list and bump the blah stuff down some spots. Can't do that forever though. We have so many appointments we need to make /go to. I hate boring stuff!

In "me" news I tied for 6th as one of the top 25 moms with big families on the Circle of Moms website. Now I have a 2012 and 2013 badge for my blog. That's neat! Thanks to those who voted for me!

Toddler Sibling Love ...and family

Afternoon napping with big brother Everett (2.5)

Oh, toddler and newborn baby joy. Things I've said to Everett (2.5) already this morning:

• You are trying to nurse her? Humm. Cute. Well I think only mommies nurse babies.
• No you can't nurse me, I'll get you a snack.
• Please stop touching her... stop, STOP touching my baby!
• She cries when you do that.
• Don't touch her eye.
• Sure you can pet her on her head. (He says he wants to pet her all the time lol!)
  
• No, don't touch her face.
• Ummm thanks, now stop touching her for a little while.
• You just held her. She's sleeping now.
• Careful that's her little foot.
• Rub her head not her face.

The kids got home yesterday from a trip to see family. They were gone three days and I enjoyed the peace and quiet but also missed them. When they got home last night they engulfed me with smiles, stories and everyone wanted to hold the new baby. They missed her so! They excitedly told me about all the family they saw, how they swim so well (Penelope uses just arm floaties now!) and how they had dessert every night. I adore the happy blessed life they live. I hope I teach them to appreciate it always. May I raise them to always love family, dessert, and the simple pleasures of life. 

From May: A Long Blog Post....Wants, Needs, Love, Toddlers, Graditute, Blessings...a run on blog post over weeks of time

Everett is a MONSTER! Seriously.
A friend of mine wrote that her daughter was being a 'giant rude asshole' the other day and it made me seriously laugh-out-loud because little kids can SO act like that sometimes. (She didn't say it to her daughter, she’s was venting to adults of course.)  Like sometimes their ability to be rude, disrespectful, whinny, needy, jerky and unmanageable just reaches new heights of what is normal and there is just no other word you can grasp to describe the frustration. Now the last three days, because toddler hell has been released on my household in waves of terror, I think to myself "you're acting like such an asshole!" But you know, even if it's not nice, sometimes it's just true. If anyone else was acting like this they would be thrown out of my house! But because they are two, four, or six you have to just go with it and talk it out one problem at a time. The only real successful way I've been to handle what I call being in 'kid-hell' (and the way I explain it to the other kids to help us all cope) is to pretend that the toddler/preschooler in question is from another planet. We pretend that on their planet it is totally okay to throw their spoon or spit out popcorn kernels on the floor. On their planet clothes must be optional and sprinkling seasonings from the spice cupboard all over the den, bed and floor is a routine way of having fun. We pretend Everett's spaceship dropped him here and he can never return so we have to teach him the way of our world. And it's a long process.

In the last 24 hours Everett (2) poured a water bottle into the silverware drawer, peed on Ricky (while sitting innocently on his lap he just starts peeing!?!), peed on the living room floor, threw toys around the house more times than I can count, dumped water on the dining room floor, dumped water on the kitchen floor, rolled out toilet paper (an old pastime apparently he's decided to re-discover) and a bunch of other highly annoying things. There are times when he just simply looks for something "bad" to do for seemingly no reason, there are times when I don't think he knows what he is doing, and then there are times when I can tell he’s doing it out of boredom or reactionary reasons.

Maybe you're reading this and you don't understand what I mean by having a jerky kid. If you are that person you may have had really easy "angel" kids, and I know because I've had them too. If I never had the jerky ones I would have no idea what I was talking about either; sometimes you're not dealt the difficult, spirited, ornery, jerky kid card, but sometimes you are. I wasn't dealt one until Layla. (Sage was a difficult young kid but in a different way.) Layla was downright spirited and had some attachment and tactile sensitivity issues. She was hard but I think her stubborn and difficult behavior was due to her personality more than anything. Sebastian and Everett had/have an ornery streak that far surpasses anything we've seen before. Sebastian grew out of it and now we are mostly just working on self-control, frustration control, and respecting personal body space. (grabbing, hitting, etc.)

Everett has now entered a familiar stage that we totally remember from Sebastian. Partly I MUST admit that we let the little boys watch too many superhero shows at WAY too young of an age. They have been adversely affected by the high speed, high fighting images. We've put a stop to seemingly innocent but ultimately violent TV and the impulsive hitting behavior has gotten WAYYYY better, but the ornery almost boredom induced jerkiness is still something we are working on, with Everett at least.

I'm pretty sure since we have eight kids we are even more likely to have a wide spread of special personalities. I think it must also have to do with the fact that I'm a bit high spirited myself --Ricky lovingly sneaks in comments about me being a bit manic so I can't blame the children too much. lol. I'm manic and spontaneous and he's analytical and calm. 

We are weird: We're both fairly introverted homebodies that like to be around each other all of the time but can’t take too many social engagements back to back. We also dislike crowds of people (it totally exhausts us). We are a totally bizarre combo! We both over-analyze going places. For example, if we want to go to a concert we think about all of the exhausting things we’d have to do to go. This usually includes driving, parking, going in, dealing with crowds and then spending hours fighting traffic and crowds to get home. So we’ll both say nahhh and settle on dinner, music at home, coffee on the porch and maybe a game night or TV instead. Such homebodies.

Back to Everett, more and more we see him apologizing genuinely, even to his siblings, seeing that he does care about others and tries to make amends --usually.
 I think he's trying to fit in. It's totally about boundaries and testing limits, but it's also about finding his place in the family and in the world. 

I still wonder on occasion why it's okay to hit kids but not dogs, but lock dogs in crates but not kids. I could really use a crate around here sometimes. Sometimes I'm like, what can I DO with this CRAZY fit throwing and thrashing little kid who is dumping out my basket of laundry right now? And that's around the time when I think I need a baby crib. But that's a short lived thought because by the time the toddler age rolls around and I think I "need" a baby crib to curb a fit-thrower my kid could just climb out of it and flip me off anyway. (Just kidding about the flipping off part lol, our kids don't do that ;) 

Everett can climb and get up or in anything; getting out of a crib would be the easiest thing in the world to him. It would be fun.

I've posted this before but it's good enough to post again:

“I really think it’s crazy that we hit our kids. Here’s the crazy part about it; kids are the only people in the world that you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable and the most destroyed by being hit but it’s totally OK to hit them. And they’re the only ones! If you hit a dog they will put you in jail for that shit. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you. But a little tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly: ‘FUCK ‘EM, WHO GIVES A SHIT!  -Comic C.K. Lewis

WILL A NEW BABY SPELL DISASTER?

Luckily when baby brother Everett was born Sebastian mellowed out. Not forever, but for a long time. He focused on caring for his brother and the household dynamic changed for the better. No matter what adding a new member changes the household dynamic, it's just going to. The kids have always been excited, always been helpful, and have always gained a lot from a new sibling. There is no reason for me to assume anything different will happen at this point. Also right before a new sibling is born we go through a crazy time where everyone starts fighting and I think how am I going to do this!? And Ricky always says 'the same why we always have been doing it' then suddenly it all stops and peacefulness is restored around that same week the needy newborn arrives. I'm counting on it this time. I have actually spent many pregnancies worried about what was going to happen after the new baby came and if I could handle another baby...and everything always worked out. And if not Ricky will just have to quit his job and we'll all move back to Indian Springs so Aunt Sharon can help us raise all the kids. (Just kidding ;)

Wants

I have so much I want to do, want to start, want to write, want to accomplish, want to fix, want to finish, want to make, want to ..... want to...want to...

My mind is a ADD train wreck of constantly evolving impulse and ideas. I'm an Aries: Impulsive, project starter, adventurous. Aries are forceful, dynamic and aggressive. Found online about an Aries: "Faith in life and the future remains untouched by hardship...their gift is that they are always children at heart and the world is always a magical place for them."

That sounds so right. Living with me might not be very easy but it's not boring. I'm all over the place. A constant flow of energy, projects, and expectation. I'm learning that it's totally exhausting being me sometimes.  I make myself crazy by having to have everything in order, everything in place, everything controlled, everything fun, everything beautiful. I ask myself all of the time why I'm not more content. It wears me out and I'm sure it wears my family out too.

In addition I'm the only one over age 7 or 8 years old allowed to stress out. Stress in other people throws me off balance. Since I know this I have to make an effort to be extra sensitive to others when they are stressed/cranky, I have to work at it. I've realy worked on it since having teens in the house! I have to be thoughtful of others to act like it's okay for other people to have bad/stressed days too. 

Sadness

I have a friend who just lost her Grandmother to cancer, I have a friend who is asking for prayers for for a 3 year old little girl with cancer, I have a dear family member getting ready to have cancer treatment. Our neighbor is leaving her house on Saturday to go live with her daughter in Nevada. She is dying from cancer. (Charlotte is taking care of her house and 5 cats until it is sold and they can hopefully re-home the adult cats.)

Recently I've been reading the blog of a woman whose husband died unexpectedly and she's left with kids and pain and her soul mate gone. It's wretched and I have no business reading it; none at all. The rawness and cruelness of love and life mixed with random tragedy pulled me in and I have to stop it. Her pain does nothing but make me weep, and her sorrow will still not be gone because I weep for her. Going through loss is a hellish trip. It’s the cruelest thing about life and I have serious issues with it.

Enjoying Now ~ The small things are the big things

My father in law sent me a beautiful mother's day orchid. 

My Aunt and Grandma visited us with strawberry cake and stories and fun.

The kids all had something fun over the weekend to enjoy; parties, nature classes, fun time at a creek.

My kids make me laugh. 

I have a houseful of food and kids.

I have as many children as I could ever want.

I am rich with love beyond measure.

Everyday my husband looks at me like he did the first week we met.
And last but not least: Happy 35 weeks to you little baby girl...or boy! You are alive and well and lovely and I'm carrying life. 

Stop, Breathe, Be Thankful.

And of course sometimes it's hard to see the good and sometimes I don't have to ALWAYS see the good. Sometimes I can be and cranky, remorseful, or overwhelmed and not feeling one bit guilty about it. Because that is life too. But most of the time I don’t want to; most of the time I can't muster the energy it takes to think that life is that bad (stressful maybe but not bad!). I have a deep appreciation for what I have because I feel it would be a travesty if I didn't. I never want to wake up with regrets. I never want to feel guilt or shame or sorrow for not enjoying something I should be. I don't want to pass up a field of flowers in haste to get to a pot of honey. 

While continuously adding to this two week long blog post I got into a stupid argument with Ricky over something stupid (we had different opinions about a news report and an argument ensued). I should have noticed he was working on his computer and he had been very busy and probably stressed. I didn't take notice though. I walked off pissy and got in the shower and thought to myself that he was being SO jerky. As I let the tension run from my body I thought to myself that yes he probably was being jerky, but probably it was because he'd been awake since 5am...and he's still up working at home after coming home and spending quality time with me and the kids and then helping brush teeth and putting everyone to bed. Yeah he's probably pissy, he's at work again just four hours after he got home from work.

My mind flooded with the words: He's here...HE'S HERE. Over and over...chanting in my head I heard: Your husband is home and you are fighting with him. It didn't matter that he said this or that or that he sounded grouchy with me for no reason. It didn't matter. I didn't really care at all. He's here and I love him. I knocked on the shower wall and he came in so I could tell him I was sorry and I didn't want to fight or be grouchy. We kissed. He said he was sorry too. And this is why my favorite love/movie quote and mantra to my life has been this for so very long:  

I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that...over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable- like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love- like there has never been in a play.  -Shakespeare in Love

And so I tell myself to stop, breathe, be thankful, be the love.

Somebody somewhere is losing their moment to be thankful. Someday we all lose moments, so I look for the good ones and don't take them granted. I’m obsessed with not taking things for granted. I think it’s because I love life.

Sick, The Quest for Some Family Time, Weaning Toddlers

I was sick forever. Ok, it was only a week, or nine days...give or take...but it was awful! Layla brought us influenza B home for Thanksgiving, so over the Thanksgiving holiday people started falling ill. The kids were pretty easy and straight forward; fevers, tired, achy...then I got it. I was the sickest of all. It was totally pitiful how sick I got. I slept for six hours a day, the kids watched six hours of TV a day. It was misery. Everyone got over it slowly, but I got over it even slower. I'm still totally recuperating but I'm much better now. I have some cold like symptoms and until last night I hadn't slept an entire night in two weeks. Usually we have our tree up by or on Thanksgiving, we finally got it up yesterday. We have been doing Christmas crafts and finally getting more into the holiday! Funny because we had actually started early last month, we had Christmas music playing as usual in November, but then everything got put on hold.

CRANKY MOM, FAMILY TIME

I feel really bad I've been SO bitchy to the kids. I really do. I've been: tired, cranky, demanding, impatient. It happens from time to time, but being sick has just made me even more miserable I'm sure. I wish I had the grace of Michelle Duggar. I would love that. I would love to treat my little people with more respect sometimes; I would never nag at my husband the way I nag at them. It's a reoccurring theme, and I need to re-read this post and I'll feel better and try harder and start over from a place of more patience. I'm always working at being a better calmer mother-person. Things have been very stressful lately, I need to remember that first. Second: things will get better. For months and MONTHS Ricky's been working a lot, which is totally understandable and needed right now, but it has made things more stressful. We are both tired, stressed and busy and while that doesn't reflect on our relationship with each other it does on the kids. I'm more stressed, he's not seeing them as much or playing with them as much. It's just hard. A lot of nights we just rush around trying to get them in bed so we can talk for 30 minutes and then either collapse on the couch together or in bed. I'm in bed a lot since I'm so sick. We recently have been trying to watch more TV in the evening with the kids. It's hard because there is not much we can watch together as a family since our society thinks family TV has to include non stop adult themes, teen dating and/or crude humor filled with stereotypes. But, we've found a few shows we like and with holiday movies and shows being in season it's much easier right now too. At least if we are tired we can still sit around together and be in each others company instead of rushing everyone off to separate rooms for quiet time or whatever. This craziness is just a phase though: things get better and worse, rinse and repeat, it's called life! I'm looking forward to us feeling better and playing more family games in the evenings again.

WEANING THE TODDLER (otherwise known as the baby)

Before any of the sickness started, right about the time Ricky started working a lot more hours on some special projects, Everett started getting really cranky and going through a "stage." It was what we called 'a REALLY HARD time that would pass.' That has now been compounded with weaning him. So he is EXTRA cranky and needy now, but things are improving with him! He is starting to understand more and the slow almost-child-led but mostly mama-led weaning is going well. It's so very hard for a child to make that transition. Weaning is forever, it's a huge milestone as well as a huge new development into being his own person. In addition we both have to learn an entirely new toolbox of mothering and soothing skills. It's not just about him not nursing anymore: it's him not getting extra calories, him no longer getting my antibodies that help him during colds and flu, him needing something new to do instead of nursing for a big owey or emotional breakdown, him needing a new way to fall back asleep at night, him needing a new coping strategy for teething, him needing to find something to do when he is bored...and the big one me and him HAVING to find away to get him to sleep for bedtime and naps to begin with. His life is changing big time; eventually he won't remember it, but it will be forever a part of him. Even though I'm SO, so ready for him to wean, it's still bittersweet. He's still my baby, he'll always be. We have some tears at night and nap time when I just *won't* nurse or when I nurse him and then tell him 'all done now.' (Because physically it's just NOT working for me, not because I'm trying to withhold from him through will-power, I'm actually at that point where it's just not working out and milk is drying up.) As we lie together and I try to soothe him it's getting easier every few days. He's getting older and more understanding (or at least accepting). He's doing great. Today he found ice cream cones in the cupboard and wanted ice cream. We are all out of ice cream. A couple months ago he would have cried and cried because emotionally he wouldn't have been able to accept not having ice cream in the house while having the cones in his hand. Today he got over it after looking in the freezer and accepted it for a simple reality. Growing up is AMAZING. Lots to learn about cause and effect and acceptance...

Busy months, ready for holidays, homeschool/toddler burn out, saving money, Charlotte's 16 now...

Just a long busy week, actually long busy September AND October....
Lots of responsibilities and trying to get back into a routine this week, and mostly not having much fun. (but I'm not feeling fun anyway :)

 Ricky's work computer crashed last night for the THIRD time this year. The first time they fixed it, the second time they replaced the hard drive, now I don't know what they will do. Poor thing, he's so behind because of various projects and working so hard. I'd be a lot more stressed out than he seems! We are still on the 'leaves every day at 5:30am and gets home at 7 or 8pm schedule'. I'm so tired of getting the kids dinner and ready for bed alone. It's not really that bad, but it's sure not fun! This type of work load seems to happen for several months out of the year, I'll just hope it gets better by the holidays! He has a smile on his face when he gets home though. We still find time to love each other, spend time with each other, have coffee, talk, hold hands. This makes my life 100% perfect and able to deal with anything that comes our way. I don't take it for granted, not even for a day. He is amazing.
~~~
The little girls each had their first Girl Scout meetings this week, they had fun. I'm an actual co-leader in Penelope's troop now.

Right now I am focused on school work and routine with the kids, and just added yard work to our to-do list. Outside is badly neglected and needing some attention before it gets too cold to do anything. So the kids have been working hard too. I've felt really high strung and irritable lately, like everything the little kids do annoys me. I can't wait for that to pass. I realized recently that I was totally burnt out. Burnt out by the kids, homeschool, toddlers, responsibility, serving dinner to whining, complaining preschoolers, Layla's mood swings...TODDLERS!
Everett is a typical two year old. A good portion of the day he is in tears and a good portion he is running around like a crazy person. He dumps out toy boxes. He mimics every single thing -bad or good- that the other kids do. He is sweet, but he is a pain. He nurses when he's bored. I'm so tired of that. (again typical)

Pretty much the only way I get through burn-out stages is to *know* it's going to get better and work really hard at pushing through one hour or one day at a time, and taking a nap if possible in-between long days. As much as I want to throw my hands up in the air and give up I know it will only make things worse, so I work hard at not getting behind. And I work hard at not throwing the broom....
I hit the broom on the floor six times really, really hard the other day and yelled, "I'm SO FREAKING TIRED OF THIS CRAP." LOL. :) I totally felt better afterwards. I needed a time-out. I need a soft bat to hit things with. I need to be grounded.

This too shall pass.

Penelope just showed me that she drew 'ice cream cone monsters' on a piece of paper. It's really cute. Almost everyday I take the little kids across the street to the old quiet, grassy cemetery to sit in the grass, play ball, read and do an activity. This gives the older kids some quiet work time too. We made a leaf bar graph yesterday. (counting fall leaf colors).

My oven works again. It broke last month and we just did not have time to care. (Well we cared, but we couldn't do much about it.) Ricky finally had a chance to fix it and it only cost $27.00, yay! We have a few other repairs that are piling up and we keep ignoring them...for now. I hope to make pie and cookies today and tomorrow. I just now thought it was Thursday, but it is actually Wednesday. So I have an extra day. Humm, not sure if that is bad or good.

So the oven...I was happy we could make cornbread to go with chili last night. It's baking season. Soon Christmas cookies will fill the air. I love pecan snowballs. I am working on a blog post about Christmas. We are not buying a bunch of toys this year, but instead only giving the kids a filled stocking with a toy from Santa. We are really focused on saving money right now. We have cut out so many things because we just have too many expenses and debt. We also dream about buying some acreage so we can raise chickens and geese for meat (for us and to sell). Maybe goats too. We definitely want a milk goat. Oh and there are these small breed milk cows I dream about having! So we are going to try and save up just in case some good property becomes available. We adore our home though, but if it were just on more acreage darn it! I've actually found some neat property, but we need to get on track and spend way less to make that possible. We decided we should never go into Target ever again, stop buying little things here and there, almost only shop second hand and I'm stocking up less at home in the way of food. We are trying weekly shopping for a while. We usually go on a couple HUGE shopping trips a month, but I find it's too hard to regulate spending/eating this way.

So this Christmas we are focusing on creating an old time family style Christmas. Cutting our own tree down, making decorations, stringing popcorn and cranberries, Christmas caroling, having a hot cocoa party, and making a homemade Christmas village that we will start next month and work on for all of December too. I started a Pinterest board for Christmas ideas too. The idea is to fill our December with even more family time, crafts and meaningfulness than usual, instead of spending money on more 'stuff.' We clearly do not need more toys. I am starting a list of what activities we are doing and how much they will cost. Supplies can really add up, but the idea is simple, cost effective, meaningful. I'm still looking for a perfect Christmas Day activity. I wish I could count on sledding and tubing, but we may not have snow.

I can not wait to make these! I hope we are awesome at it.

Well there is my run-on update. Oh and Charlotte is awesome.  (Sage and Ethan too!!) They sense my recent irritability and they know the little kids have been a total handful, so they have really been trying to help me out and are being compassionate to my cranky overwhelming-ness. 

Our oldest, Charlotte turned 16 last month. We had an elaborate Alice in Wonderland Party for her 16th birthday. This is the link to the party Blog, all nice and updated with pictures The party was fantastic. I was so busy planning her delightful party that I hardly noticed or cried about my baby girl turning SIXTEEN!

Photo area I made for Charlotte's party

Since I decided to blog this morning I will pay dearly...Everett got into the cornbread and crumbled it all over the kitchen.  There is also play dough everywhere!