Thanksgiving 2016

I stood sobbing over two bowls of marshmallow salad. It started with just two tears streaming down my face but by the time I was folding whipped topping into the fluffy marshmallows and fruit I was sobbing. Making Thanksgiving dinner is a joy to me but the stress of October lingered and Thanksgiving was starting to feel like another thing I had to do. I just wanted a shower. The kids had been wild and restless for weeks. Madeline had also been a monkey for weeks. She's so wild!
Minutes before the tears fell I yelled at Ricky for basically nothing. He irritated me about something dumb and I got snappy. He told me he wasn't going to hang out in the kitchen with me if I was going to yell at him. So then I did yell at him, "I'm not yelling at you, THIS is yelling at you!" I was feeling tired (it was nearing midnight) and I was so grumpy. (Or at this point totally pissed off.) I continued on, "And don't be in the kitchen then! I don't care because "everything's" ruined now anyway."

Sigh. Stress. Sad face.

I had a hard week, and when I really think about it, this has also been a bit of a hard year for various reasons that I don't want to spell out.

Madeline has been so demanding this week and really this month. She is into everything. All day long we chase her around. She also chases me around wanting to be held. She is very needy but so very sweet. She's not a hard baby in actuality, but she keeps us very busy. This week she's been pulling cans out of the cupboard. She's wrapped the vacuum cord around her neck. She also just wants to tear massive amounts of stuff up. She's constantly wiggling from her high chair and then standing up in her high chair. When you get her down she just climbs up the kitchen chairs and the kitchen table. She falls off the chairs regularly and yesterday she fell off the table. She basically landed head first on the wood floor. I was running over to her when it happened. In almost slow motion, before I could reach her, there she toppled feet over her head just as she peeked over the edge of the table in a squat. Insane child! Most people, the kind without nine kids, probably would have rushed their child to the hospital. After only a few minutes of crying and nursing and then a half hour of playing I gave mine a car ride to make her fall asleep.I have no idea why she STILL climbs up chairs. She falls of them frequently. Kids are amazing and resilient. The human species in general is too. Also, genetics. Ricky's head and his children's heads are like bricks! I've never seen anything like it. One time Beatrice fell out of the van while we were loading it up. She was around two and I was right next to her. She talked in full paragraphs very young and insisted I did NOT have to help her up! She toppled out on her head. She still has an actual dent on her head from it. That actually scared me very badly. The sound of head hitting black top is horrid. She was totally fine. Her head dented though! Their skulls are all part metal or brick, I'm sure of it.

Picture from December 2016 (which hasn't even happened yet because this is a NOVEMBER 2016 post, remember. lol) See, told you. She's nuts. She tries to run down the slide.

You know when someone's kid gets hurt or dies from drowning, or an equally horrible thing, and everyone lashes out at the parents and calls them the worst ever? The holier than thou parents (and grandparents) come out in hoards on online comment sections preaching about how they never take their eyes off their kids ever, and this would never happen to them. Yeah whatever. Parenting is hard and kids do stuff. Not only do accidents happen, but sometimes you have these really freaking crazy kids (like Everett the bull riding fire fighter and adventurous Madeline especially) and nearly every time you turn around they are being totally insane.

So, Thanksgiving...
I sobbed while folding the marshmallows and fruit together. The small gluten free pizza I was baking for us as a late dinner was done. I cut it and solemnly brought Ricky half. He ate quietly in the dark bedroom while he finished watching TV. Afterwards he came in the kitchen and asked me if I wanted help. I had stopped crying but started again as I blurted out, "I'm so sorry I was mean to you." Tears. Lots of tears fell as big man arms wrapped all the way around my sobbing body. He's the best. This is marriage, the raw stuff. The I'd do anything for you no matter what stuff. The best stuff: like bringing your husband pizza because he needs to eat even if you are snappy and annoyed, or offering help and giving bear hugs to your wife even when she was being the mean one. No grudges or grievances to be had.

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish..."

Does anyone really think about what "for worse" means? I didn't really. I always just assumed it meant during hard times or illness --pretty similar to the 'poorer' and 'in sickness' thing actually. Turns out it probably means more like when your partner is suddenly a grouchy jerk to you and you show them grace and humility. When we show our worst sides we need to still work towards loving and cherishing each other. (Note: This should not extend itself into abuse.)

He forgave me. He apologized. (He didn't need to.) I cried. I felt better. Release.

We finished making marshmallow salad, jello, stuffing, and pumpkin pie together until our eyes were drooping closed. We had a nice Thanksgiving. I'm always thankful for him and for who we are together. We truly bring out the best in each other.

1 year ago~ Newborn Madeline

I was pretty busy, but I finally got my shower at 2pm Thanksgiving day after everything was almost ready. I told my family that no one eats until I shower!  Barely squeezed that in!

I was very pleased with my braided pie crusts! I LOVE making homemade pie.

 We played Pie Face (kids loved it!) and ate and ate and ate.

We all ate around the kitchen table. Big family life!

Reminds me of this gem of a movie, Cheaper By the Dozen

And that's a wrap! My calendar is cleared. I am looking forward to hibernation time. Usually in the winter we stay in a lot. We hunker down like bears. So very thankful for that.

Kid Snippets: 

November 10th
Bea (3) was looking closely at the bushes and flowers outside the library....
Bea: "Mom are these flowers all out of bees?"
Me: That's so cute Bea. You know so much stuff, like how flowers are supposed to have bees on them.
Bea: Yeah cause I know everything! Just like I know about doggies in the road and old leaves and bees in flowers! Cause I am sooo big and sooo smart, too.

And so cute too! She is great. (I have no idea what doggies in the road meant! I love it though!) Picture below is outside of the library next to the flowers. Bea decided to crawl through the bike racks, Penelope is following.

Always stop to smell the flowers...and crawl through make-shift tunnels

November 7
Bea (3) a few minutes ago at 4-freaking-am...
Bea: Mom, is it almost Christmas?
Me: No honey, not yet.
Bea: Mom is it almost Christmas?
Me: No, it's almost Thanksgiving.
Bea: Mom, is it almost Christmas?
Me: No!
Bea: Mom, is it almost Christmas?
Me: Bea, NO! You've asked me four times!! Stop asking!
Bea says nothing for 10 minutes, then she says, "Mom, I talk a lot when I talk."

(Oh goodness, I LOVE HER!)

November 3
“The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things.” –Plato

November 28 

Everett age (6) loves to try to cook things in front of the space heater in the kitchen. "I want perfect ham" he tells me quite seriously as he places lunch meat in front of the heater.  It actually cooked to my surprise! He was thrilled. He's been obsessed with freezing things for years. It's actually comical. If he has two cookies he'll freeze one. He freezes milk and all kinds of things. It drives me crazy but it is also super adorable and interesting how much he loves freezing things. Now he has taken a fancy with the space heater. 

Last summer he kept trying to freeze our blackberries from our bushes. We didn't have enough to freeze though! We wanted to eat them fresh. If I wanted frozen blackberries I would buy some from Costco. He would beat us to the bushes sometimes and we'd go crazy because he'd have the ripe ones frozen already without us knowing. It's pretty hilarious even though we were also not happy he was doing it. He LOVES freezing stuff to see how it changes.

Helping People

At the pediatric dentist office today I noticed a woman looking at me. She saw me bustling between my kids and their dental chairs.  I'm used to being stared at. With between 6 to 9 kids in tow at any given time we get stared at just about everywhere we go. She was with her three year old boy and I presumed the man with her was her husband. She looked like life might be hard right now.

As I was checking out with one of the receptionists the woman and her husband were reviewing a treatment plan near me. Apparently our dentist said he could do their child's dental work right then. It appeared this was their first time there. The front desk had printed up the paperwork for them and went over fees. The man had zoned out. His wife yelled at him, "Are you paying attention?! Are you listening? This is important!" It was me staring at them this time. I noticed he was totally not paying attention. He looked as if he was in a trance. He said he was listening but that it didn't matter because they couldn't afford it anyway. He curtly told the front desk they couldn't do it and he told his wife they needed to leave. The mom desperately persisted, "The infection is almost to the tooth pulp!" He again insisted that they didn't have the money. Then they began to argue. It got louder and louder. They loudly discussed credit options but he quickly shut those down for various reasons. Everything got awkward. The other receptionist who was scheduling a handful of future appointments for me didn't pause whatsoever. She talked loudly over them. I couldn't focus at all. I felt myself getting warm and flushed. My heart started to race. A voice inside me told me to do something.

Ricky had told me to watch what I spent this month. We are so tight this month. We will be pretty tight for the next few months. We replaced our central air and heat this spring. Our passenger van needed a new transmission. Ricky needed a new vehicle shortly thereafter. He bought a gem of a used 1995 truck with hardly any miles on it. (We always buy used.) We have five kids enrolled in gymnastics (one is in competitive gymnastics). I am having a little trouble putting gas in my van this month because we are SO busy and my van is fairly expensive to drive. We have six kid birthdays in three months. Charlotte just started college. (Though she pays that, she still lives at home and we help her with incidentals and medical/dental of course.) We have a clogged main line to our septic tank. (I just discovered that this morning!!) I have no idea what it will cost or what the real issue is. But one thing I do know: this month, next month, and the month after, I know for pretty much certain that our kids will all have fixed teeth and food on the table. They will probably still go to gymnastics unless something really, really bad happens, and then toward the end of this year they will wake up to presents under the Christmas tree.

God, we are so blessed. Seriously. 

"Do something, it will be okay" is what I kept hearing in my head. I walked over to them and said I'd pay for it. I had previously overheard it probably was around $200.00. I asked the front desk how much it was total. The mom dropped her jaw and quickly said, "Thank you!" She really sounded relieved. The dad was quiet for a moment and then said thank you while introducing himself to me. I suddenly felt like I was a guardian angel. Like God spoke to me to help them. Something told me deep down everything would work out. The amount scared me a little, $230.00. I said it was fine. I knew I'd figure something out. I knew Ricky would understand. The man then said he could pay half of the cost and that was fair to me because he could pay that much. This was an amazing gesture. He did the right thing to meet me halfway. I was so relieved. Had it been seven months ago I would have insisted I just help them with the full amount. Right now though we're a little tight, but certainly not 'we can't fix our child's teeth' tight. 

We split the bill.

I took my receipt and the family thanked me again as they then paid their portion. I gathered up my crew of kids who had all been either watching me or ransacking the prize bins. As I was walking out the door the hygienist came out and said she needed to talk to me for a second. Our dentist wanted to help out. He heard what I had done and wanted us to be refunded. He would instead cover the portion that I paid for them. I was given a new receipt that said my bank account had now been refunded! Wow.

I believe guardian angels can be beings on Earth. We all hold the power to watch over people, change lives, and bless people. 

Beach Vacation

Family Picture Gulf Shores 2015 ~8 kids and a baby on the way

Our beach trip was great. There were ups and downs of course... I somehow actually expected everything to be perfect and it wasn't (I know go ahead and laugh), but it was totally okay and I did not have my expectations ruin the trip in any way. One day it rained, two days were super duper windy but we had some beach time anyway, one day there were horrible biting flies, one day was pretty perfect. It was interesting comparing the things we liked last year and this year as well as the things we didn't like. The trips were at the same place with totally different pros and cons! I realized the crappy spring weather we got last year was made up for in other ways during that trip. Crawfish and frog leg feasts, for example, were out of season in September but not in April. While both trips were quite windy, the fall trip had MUCH warmer weather and water. Anyway, what I'm actually trying to say is that it's great to have perspective!

You know what WAS perfect this year!? I finally got my family photo on the beach (see above) and I am a very happy momma for it! We haven't had a good one on the beach since Penelope (8) was a baby (see below). I was thrilled. Last years picture was so windy that my hair was standing on end. See. 

Mexico 2007

 I dubbed our trip the 'fun animal trip.' We saw two sting rays in the ocean (Ricky and Charlotte found them while snorkeling and Ricky stepped on one!), some of us saw dolphins, we collected up sand dollar and small crab critters. We made 47 dollars in 'sand money.' We let them all go back to their home in the ocean. Charlotte (18) caught a BIG crab in our swimming pool! That was really fun. She said it was scary. It kept looking at her and snapping it's claws at her. She had to get it from the bottom of the pool and it took her a half hour to wrangle it. The kids told us something was in the pool that looked like a crab and that it even pinched some of them. We didn't believe them! Poor kids! I checked it out after a few minutes and sure enough there was totally a crab in the pool.

Beatrice, only two, had a rough ride to Alabama. It took us 19 hours to drive there instead of a more usual 12. We were pretty calm about it, taking it all in good stride. Over the course of six days I flip flopped between going back next year or waiting three years before traveling that far again (until the new baby is three because we don't ever want to road trip with a two year old again). I flip-flopped a dozen times as if I had to make the decision right then. It's my nature. One minute I was ready to put down a deposit for next year and the next minute I was saying how we are having a stay-cation the next couple years. I think vacationing with kids is like giving birth, you need the reality of how much work it is to wear off before jumping in and doing it again!

A moment for just us

We spent a lot more money on vacation than we wanted to. (Doesn't everyone?) But we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Rolling into Alabama at 6 am after driving all night we wanted a nice breakfast. Breakfast at Cracker Barrel was $112 for us all, but it was worth every penny! We had such a lovely time and enjoyed each others company so much. We almost went to the Waffle House nearby but in the parking lot we decided not to. There was not much space inside at all and we were SURE to be gawked at. I suggested Cracker Barrel across the street because they don't bat an eye when an army rolls in. And sure enough they didn't. We were treated to breakfast royalty and the wait staff acted like a family with eight and half kids waddles in the door every single day. We had fun browsing the gift shop after breakfast which gave the kids more time to stretch out too. 

We shared the ever so lovely and spacious purple house on the beach with our friends and their kids. All of the kids got along so well and had so much fun. I couldn't believe how much fun! I expected normal kid stuff and for everyone to tire of each other at some point but it didn't happen. The beach house we shared is very spacious though so we were never right on top of each other. The kids and adults alike had lots of good fun. It was wonderful to have friends to vacation with, we have never done that before! We had a private pool too, so when the kids weren't swimming like fish in the ocean they were swimming like fish in the pool.

Ahhh that water, those waves, and kids. Love!!

With Friends

In the days leading up to vacation I had the normal tiresome job of packing and prep work. It is so much work getting all of us, the house, and the animals ready for vacation. I asked my husband WHY were were doing this vacation again and said maybe we should have stayed home. He said, "Because you said you have to have pregnancy beach pictures." I smiled, "And why do you give your wife everything she wants?!" Then he grinned and kissed me on the head. Those small loving gestures keep me falling in love with him over and over again. I love him so much...

And sooooooo my mini maternity shoot. 33 weeks pregnant on the beach, thanks to my dear husband...

HOME
On the way home Beatrice understood much better that we had traveled far to someplace and we needed to get back home to our animals. We timed our trip home carefully, made two stops before dark that were about two hours apart (one was at a park to play and one was dinner), and things went much better. She actually didn't even cry once (whined a couple times). She is an amazing child and once she understands something she seems to really understand! She talked about home being 'far away' while at the beach. Now she tells us the beach or purple house is 'far away.' She is very smart and cute.

In a total of 19 hours driving there and 12 hours driving home I pitifully only drove 3-4 hours of it. Ricky did all the hard work. On the way home this exchange was funny:

Me: I don't think I'm much of a road tripper

Ricky: I know you're not

Me: Well I like the idea of it but...

Ricky: You like the "idea" of winter too.

Made me laugh so hard.

I am extra glad he was able to drive all the way home because this baby belly is moving up quickly into my diaphragm and ribs making sitting harder. The baby is bouncing around in there like crazy when I sit straight up. I can breathe okay...but I am slowly noticing a big difference in that too!

 ~~~

Pulling into our driveway at 4am the first words I said were "Home is where the farm animals are." I missed our place a lot. I am always amazed how nice coming come feels. We were all awake getting home, and the kids (especially Bea) were so happy with our familiar home. There is something so cozy and appreciating about being home after a week of being gone! I had even put fresh new sheets on the bed before leaving on our trip so that we would come home to a clean and cozy bed.

Ricky and I barely remember anything as we all crashed out. When we woke up at 9am it felt like we all slept for just a half hour. It was so weird and hilarious! It was like we were gassed out. (Kinda scary to be out that cold with kids in the house though!) I woke up to the kids crashed out everywhere all over the floor, which isn't *that* unusual, but it seemed extra funny that Bea and Everett were sharing and sleeping on a body pillow in the hallway. They were out cold! I would have taken a picture but I was still too tired. 

Ricky hasn't stopped working 12-14 hour days since we got home. He's been quite busy for months now anyway, but there is a even larger price to pay for being out for a week! Plus he is trying to prepare for taking time off when the baby comes (due on Halloween!) and then the holidays will come fast right after that.  Things are good but also tired and a bit crazy around here. I got back into the swing of things quickly and picked right back up with housework the first week we were home, and then school work this week. Vacations are lovely...but trying to settle in again can be so hard. We are all excited for fall and it's all I can think about now.

Oh, I almost forgot one of the best things! Ricky told me he feels totally refreshed after vacation. I was so glad to hear that. He so deserved a nice trip and some downtime. He works very hard for his family. He swam in the ocean a lot (he loves to swim) and I'm so very glad it soothed his soul. I know what he means, got to spend an entire afternoon in the water with him and it was very rejuvenating. The winds kept me out the last couple days though. (I get cold easy.)

Can't wait for next year...

Wibbily Wobbily Timey Wimey...Stuff: My First Baby Turned 18 and I Didn't Think I'd Cry at All

September 30, 2014 2:00 am

I finished the TARDIS cake I set out to make for a surprise for Charlotte's 18th birthday! The metallic blue frosting I found for it is mesmerizing. It looks even better in person. It shimmers. As I sat up frosting the cake at midnight I thought about how nonchalant I'm taking my first baby turning 18. I thought it was because I have so many children, I figure it is so less jarring because I am still in the thicket of babies and kids. I am also proud of myself: I had a baby, I was a young mother, and I did nothing but put her first for 18 years. I set out to raise her to be the best she can be to herself and to others. I also tried to raise her to stand up for herself when needed. As a mom I set out to make really sure she never got hurt. Children get hurt a lot in our society, and nobody seems to be doing anything about epidemic rates of abuse in children. I am amazed I raised a whole entire human being: I grew her, I kept her, I nurtured her. I wanted to nurture her soul and feed her body well, and I did. I will love her always. She's mine, but not really mine. Her DNA is a part of me. (See Mother & Child Are Linked At The Cellular Level)

I have never watched even one episode of Doctor Who. I don't watch hardly any TV. I am merely a guest amongst the chitter-chatter about Doctor Who in my house. I am totally in the dark but it's fun to hear them talk. I ask questions and they very eagerly explain. To my children's absolute uproarious laughter I mixed the two up and called The Dalek the TARDIS once. (I also called Dobby from Harry Potter 'Dobby the Shelf Elf' instead of the house-elf. My kids laugh so hard.)

Sitting there looking at the TARDIS cake in the middle of the night I suddenly acknowledged that it was a time machine and not just a blue rectangle that I was painstakingly painting in with frosting. Thoughts of space and time filled my head. Tears started to fall when I thought to myself how fitting making a TARDIS was for her 18th birthday. If I could just go back in time to hold baby Charlotte: to smell her baby head, to dress her, to picnic with her in her pop-up school bus like we used to do every day when she was two, or to see her whole head get braided on the beach in Mexico at eight and watch her freely run into the ocean.

Pop-up school bus lunch time

Young moms can be great moms and I am proof

Charlotte's First Birthday

 When she was a baby and toddler I spent countless nights promising myself to never forget her smell, her skin, her soft breath next to me. I rocked her sweetly and she slept in my room exclusively. I remember every single morning I couldn't wait for her eyes meet up with mine. I know mothering doesn't always come as naturally or as easily for some moms, but it did for me. I just loved it so much and so instantly. By night I watched her sleep, by day we picnicked, laughed, and I pushed her on swings. We went for lots of walks. We talked about having farm animals someday. We read books and literally laid under the blue sky and watched clouds roll by. I stayed home with her to suck up as much as I could. I realize now I stayed home with her as much for me as I did for her. I knew it was fleeting. Those little: newborns, infants, toddlers, preschoolers, kids. Those little hands that grab yours, and their small, heart-shaped, red-lipped mouths. The way their laughter fills the air with joy. There are endless funny things they say and so many amazing questions they ask. I love watching eyes full of first-time wonder. Kids make life make sense. I learn so much about myself by raising kids. Raising kids makes me a better person and I know Ricky feels the same. It makes me set a higher standard for myself and it makes me aware of what really matters. Even through the growing pains of childhood tears, fits, and tantrums, there are surprising rewards that come from the hard times. It sometimes seems endless but even those hard times are so full of purpose, too. If we get too caught up in how hard parenting is we could very easily miss watching them learn about things like: love, empathy, time management, communication, the world around them, and self control. There were some sleepless nights and endless messes... but they don't last. They do end.

Babies and children grow from each stage and you remember who they once were... but they change so much as they literally morph into new people. The person they were outgrows them, and sometimes we feel it as it hits us hard right in the middle of our chest. I realize now it is because that baby or child is gone. They will never be again. We miss it and it makes us sad inside. It's a weird kind of sad though. It's an amazing sad. An uplifting sad. The tears I shed are of joy, loss, pride, and growth all rolled into one. I find my breath is taken away with awe, and when I inhale again I'm filled with so much gratitude. I can't even explain how it crushes me and completes me all at once. It's overwhelming and beautiful.

I moved from the table where I was frosting the cake so I wouldn't sob all over it. I crept through the still house and found Ricky reading in bed. Ricky asked me what was wrong as the tears started to fall, I could not explain, I could only softly cry. He wrapped his arms around me tightly because he knew and I mourned for that baby girl who is now all grown up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the morning I wrote this:
She turned 18 today! Happy Birthday to the beautiful young woman I raised! I am so proud of us both, we did great. I love you Charlotte.

Oh, and She LOVED her cake. I'm a very happy momma.

From May: A Long Blog Post....Wants, Needs, Love, Toddlers, Graditute, Blessings...a run on blog post over weeks of time

Everett is a MONSTER! Seriously.
A friend of mine wrote that her daughter was being a 'giant rude asshole' the other day and it made me seriously laugh-out-loud because little kids can SO act like that sometimes. (She didn't say it to her daughter, she’s was venting to adults of course.)  Like sometimes their ability to be rude, disrespectful, whinny, needy, jerky and unmanageable just reaches new heights of what is normal and there is just no other word you can grasp to describe the frustration. Now the last three days, because toddler hell has been released on my household in waves of terror, I think to myself "you're acting like such an asshole!" But you know, even if it's not nice, sometimes it's just true. If anyone else was acting like this they would be thrown out of my house! But because they are two, four, or six you have to just go with it and talk it out one problem at a time. The only real successful way I've been to handle what I call being in 'kid-hell' (and the way I explain it to the other kids to help us all cope) is to pretend that the toddler/preschooler in question is from another planet. We pretend that on their planet it is totally okay to throw their spoon or spit out popcorn kernels on the floor. On their planet clothes must be optional and sprinkling seasonings from the spice cupboard all over the den, bed and floor is a routine way of having fun. We pretend Everett's spaceship dropped him here and he can never return so we have to teach him the way of our world. And it's a long process.

In the last 24 hours Everett (2) poured a water bottle into the silverware drawer, peed on Ricky (while sitting innocently on his lap he just starts peeing!?!), peed on the living room floor, threw toys around the house more times than I can count, dumped water on the dining room floor, dumped water on the kitchen floor, rolled out toilet paper (an old pastime apparently he's decided to re-discover) and a bunch of other highly annoying things. There are times when he just simply looks for something "bad" to do for seemingly no reason, there are times when I don't think he knows what he is doing, and then there are times when I can tell he’s doing it out of boredom or reactionary reasons.

Maybe you're reading this and you don't understand what I mean by having a jerky kid. If you are that person you may have had really easy "angel" kids, and I know because I've had them too. If I never had the jerky ones I would have no idea what I was talking about either; sometimes you're not dealt the difficult, spirited, ornery, jerky kid card, but sometimes you are. I wasn't dealt one until Layla. (Sage was a difficult young kid but in a different way.) Layla was downright spirited and had some attachment and tactile sensitivity issues. She was hard but I think her stubborn and difficult behavior was due to her personality more than anything. Sebastian and Everett had/have an ornery streak that far surpasses anything we've seen before. Sebastian grew out of it and now we are mostly just working on self-control, frustration control, and respecting personal body space. (grabbing, hitting, etc.)

Everett has now entered a familiar stage that we totally remember from Sebastian. Partly I MUST admit that we let the little boys watch too many superhero shows at WAY too young of an age. They have been adversely affected by the high speed, high fighting images. We've put a stop to seemingly innocent but ultimately violent TV and the impulsive hitting behavior has gotten WAYYYY better, but the ornery almost boredom induced jerkiness is still something we are working on, with Everett at least.

I'm pretty sure since we have eight kids we are even more likely to have a wide spread of special personalities. I think it must also have to do with the fact that I'm a bit high spirited myself --Ricky lovingly sneaks in comments about me being a bit manic so I can't blame the children too much. lol. I'm manic and spontaneous and he's analytical and calm. 

We are weird: We're both fairly introverted homebodies that like to be around each other all of the time but can’t take too many social engagements back to back. We also dislike crowds of people (it totally exhausts us). We are a totally bizarre combo! We both over-analyze going places. For example, if we want to go to a concert we think about all of the exhausting things we’d have to do to go. This usually includes driving, parking, going in, dealing with crowds and then spending hours fighting traffic and crowds to get home. So we’ll both say nahhh and settle on dinner, music at home, coffee on the porch and maybe a game night or TV instead. Such homebodies.

Back to Everett, more and more we see him apologizing genuinely, even to his siblings, seeing that he does care about others and tries to make amends --usually.
 I think he's trying to fit in. It's totally about boundaries and testing limits, but it's also about finding his place in the family and in the world. 

I still wonder on occasion why it's okay to hit kids but not dogs, but lock dogs in crates but not kids. I could really use a crate around here sometimes. Sometimes I'm like, what can I DO with this CRAZY fit throwing and thrashing little kid who is dumping out my basket of laundry right now? And that's around the time when I think I need a baby crib. But that's a short lived thought because by the time the toddler age rolls around and I think I "need" a baby crib to curb a fit-thrower my kid could just climb out of it and flip me off anyway. (Just kidding about the flipping off part lol, our kids don't do that ;) 

Everett can climb and get up or in anything; getting out of a crib would be the easiest thing in the world to him. It would be fun.

I've posted this before but it's good enough to post again:

“I really think it’s crazy that we hit our kids. Here’s the crazy part about it; kids are the only people in the world that you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable and the most destroyed by being hit but it’s totally OK to hit them. And they’re the only ones! If you hit a dog they will put you in jail for that shit. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you. But a little tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly: ‘FUCK ‘EM, WHO GIVES A SHIT!  -Comic C.K. Lewis

WILL A NEW BABY SPELL DISASTER?

Luckily when baby brother Everett was born Sebastian mellowed out. Not forever, but for a long time. He focused on caring for his brother and the household dynamic changed for the better. No matter what adding a new member changes the household dynamic, it's just going to. The kids have always been excited, always been helpful, and have always gained a lot from a new sibling. There is no reason for me to assume anything different will happen at this point. Also right before a new sibling is born we go through a crazy time where everyone starts fighting and I think how am I going to do this!? And Ricky always says 'the same why we always have been doing it' then suddenly it all stops and peacefulness is restored around that same week the needy newborn arrives. I'm counting on it this time. I have actually spent many pregnancies worried about what was going to happen after the new baby came and if I could handle another baby...and everything always worked out. And if not Ricky will just have to quit his job and we'll all move back to Indian Springs so Aunt Sharon can help us raise all the kids. (Just kidding ;)

Wants

I have so much I want to do, want to start, want to write, want to accomplish, want to fix, want to finish, want to make, want to ..... want to...want to...

My mind is a ADD train wreck of constantly evolving impulse and ideas. I'm an Aries: Impulsive, project starter, adventurous. Aries are forceful, dynamic and aggressive. Found online about an Aries: "Faith in life and the future remains untouched by hardship...their gift is that they are always children at heart and the world is always a magical place for them."

That sounds so right. Living with me might not be very easy but it's not boring. I'm all over the place. A constant flow of energy, projects, and expectation. I'm learning that it's totally exhausting being me sometimes.  I make myself crazy by having to have everything in order, everything in place, everything controlled, everything fun, everything beautiful. I ask myself all of the time why I'm not more content. It wears me out and I'm sure it wears my family out too.

In addition I'm the only one over age 7 or 8 years old allowed to stress out. Stress in other people throws me off balance. Since I know this I have to make an effort to be extra sensitive to others when they are stressed/cranky, I have to work at it. I've realy worked on it since having teens in the house! I have to be thoughtful of others to act like it's okay for other people to have bad/stressed days too. 

Sadness

I have a friend who just lost her Grandmother to cancer, I have a friend who is asking for prayers for for a 3 year old little girl with cancer, I have a dear family member getting ready to have cancer treatment. Our neighbor is leaving her house on Saturday to go live with her daughter in Nevada. She is dying from cancer. (Charlotte is taking care of her house and 5 cats until it is sold and they can hopefully re-home the adult cats.)

Recently I've been reading the blog of a woman whose husband died unexpectedly and she's left with kids and pain and her soul mate gone. It's wretched and I have no business reading it; none at all. The rawness and cruelness of love and life mixed with random tragedy pulled me in and I have to stop it. Her pain does nothing but make me weep, and her sorrow will still not be gone because I weep for her. Going through loss is a hellish trip. It’s the cruelest thing about life and I have serious issues with it.

Enjoying Now ~ The small things are the big things

My father in law sent me a beautiful mother's day orchid. 

My Aunt and Grandma visited us with strawberry cake and stories and fun.

The kids all had something fun over the weekend to enjoy; parties, nature classes, fun time at a creek.

My kids make me laugh. 

I have a houseful of food and kids.

I have as many children as I could ever want.

I am rich with love beyond measure.

Everyday my husband looks at me like he did the first week we met.
And last but not least: Happy 35 weeks to you little baby girl...or boy! You are alive and well and lovely and I'm carrying life. 

Stop, Breathe, Be Thankful.

And of course sometimes it's hard to see the good and sometimes I don't have to ALWAYS see the good. Sometimes I can be and cranky, remorseful, or overwhelmed and not feeling one bit guilty about it. Because that is life too. But most of the time I don’t want to; most of the time I can't muster the energy it takes to think that life is that bad (stressful maybe but not bad!). I have a deep appreciation for what I have because I feel it would be a travesty if I didn't. I never want to wake up with regrets. I never want to feel guilt or shame or sorrow for not enjoying something I should be. I don't want to pass up a field of flowers in haste to get to a pot of honey. 

While continuously adding to this two week long blog post I got into a stupid argument with Ricky over something stupid (we had different opinions about a news report and an argument ensued). I should have noticed he was working on his computer and he had been very busy and probably stressed. I didn't take notice though. I walked off pissy and got in the shower and thought to myself that he was being SO jerky. As I let the tension run from my body I thought to myself that yes he probably was being jerky, but probably it was because he'd been awake since 5am...and he's still up working at home after coming home and spending quality time with me and the kids and then helping brush teeth and putting everyone to bed. Yeah he's probably pissy, he's at work again just four hours after he got home from work.

My mind flooded with the words: He's here...HE'S HERE. Over and over...chanting in my head I heard: Your husband is home and you are fighting with him. It didn't matter that he said this or that or that he sounded grouchy with me for no reason. It didn't matter. I didn't really care at all. He's here and I love him. I knocked on the shower wall and he came in so I could tell him I was sorry and I didn't want to fight or be grouchy. We kissed. He said he was sorry too. And this is why my favorite love/movie quote and mantra to my life has been this for so very long:  

I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that...over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable- like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love- like there has never been in a play.  -Shakespeare in Love

And so I tell myself to stop, breathe, be thankful, be the love.

Somebody somewhere is losing their moment to be thankful. Someday we all lose moments, so I look for the good ones and don't take them granted. I’m obsessed with not taking things for granted. I think it’s because I love life.